Geeds Stink

Mr. Kennedy's Weekend Extravaganza Bonanza!!!

2009-09-19T16:57:00.009-04:00

Starring TONY DANZAAA!

Anyways, idiocy aside, this weekend is another HUGE (boner) weekend in the life of Mr. K's sports. The Redskins are gearing up to win a 9-6 nailbiter vs. the hapless Rams, my Fantasy baseball squad is locked in the most important war of all time, and Pat Tillman is coming out of retirement. Because there's so much to cover, and because I've been as useful as Teri Schiavo's appendix lately, I'm gonna put together a post of epic proportions! Welcome to week one of the Extravaganza Bon(er)anza!!!!

Whoa, calm down over there.

Let's get a few things out of the way. Mr. K has been shoddy in terms of drunkenness and bloggingness because other duties (and booties) have come calling. I am currently in the Law School Application process... and if you're normal, you don't give a fuck about that. But the reason I briing it up is because Hams posited that I was drunk last night/this morning. This is simply not true, as I am saving my blackout for today/tomorrow. It's a Scott Kazmiracle that I haven't been fired for showing up to work smelling like booze every Monday. But DILLIGAF (Do I Look Like I Give a Fuck?)

#2- The Redskins are fucking awful. But they're going to tease us idiotic Redskins fans by starting out 4-2 or 5-1, starting with a bout vs. the St. Louis Bega Rams this Sunday. I'm telling myself that the Skins can put up 35 pts, but it will be a bonerfied miracle if they muster up more than 17. Expect a 13-10 snoozer. But don't be shocked if the Rams bullshit their way to another win (ala last year on my Birthday).

#3

Although boxing is becoming as irrelevant as POGs and laser pointers, Floyd "Money" Mayweather is its sole bankable star (especially since it appears that De La Hoya is finished). He has a fight tonight against some hermano, and normally I'd predict a thorough domination being given out by Money. However, he has seemingly succumbed to MC Hammer syndrome, taking his success for granted, and turning into a fat idiot. Thus, bank on this: Juan Manuel Marquesoooo will beat Floyd. And boxing will be dead.

#4- Steamed Hams thinks he's the man by posting Stone Cold Steve Austin Videos. Well I'm going to counter that with the "Gangrel Game of the Week". Confused about that obscure namedrop? Allow me to clarify. As always, via Wikipedia:

In 1998, Heath was hired by the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) due to the support of then writers Bruce Prichard and Vince Russo, who believed in the merit of a vampire gimmick. Heath was given the name Gangrel, which was derived from a vampire clan from the role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade. The gimmick involved an entrance which saw him rising from a ring of fire on stage, followed by a slow walk to the ring set to a sinister instrumental music theme. He also carried a goblet of "blood" with him and, during his entrance, would stop on the ring steps, take a drink, and spray it into the air.

Gangrel made his TV debut on the August 16, 1998 episode of Sunday Night Heat, and was victorious in his in-ring debut against Scott Taylor. He would go on to be undefeated for several months into his WWF career.

He then formed a gothic faction, called The Brood, with Edge and Christian. The Brood became known for their "blood baths", which involved the lights going out for a moment, and when they came back on, the targeted wrestler being covered in "blood". The three eventually joined up with The Undertaker and his Ministry of Darkness faction, but the grouping ended as The Brood's popularity was destroying the Ministry's heat.

Gangrel got one of his first title shots at the 1999 Royal Rumble. He challenged D-Generation X member X-Pac for his WWF European Championship in a losing effort. He competed in the Royal Rumble match later that night and again the following year.

After splitting from the Ministry, The Brood began a feud with the Hardy Boyz and their manager Michael Hayes. During the feud, Gangrel suddenly turned on Edge and Christian and aligned himself with Matt and Jeff Hardy. He called the group The New Brood. Terri Runnels also began to show interest in the Hardy Boyz, however, and they eventually chose her over him. Gangrel became a singles wrestler following the breakup of The New Brood; he was mainly used as a mid carder. In 2000, he brought in his real-life wife Luna Vachon as his manager until she was fired. Gangrel continued working for the WWF until he was released in 2001, reportedly for weight problems.

A hall of fame worthy career, indeed. Gangrel's game of the week is the powerhouse matchup of the Vikings vs. Ravens and...

fuck it. Let's see how pathetic Gangrel has become:

I love taking joy from observing subhumans. Clearly Gangrel licks pussy like a champ. Not sure how I feel about the fact that he's porking that gargoyle he's with, but you know what? To each his own (bone).

Gangrel sucks, this is true. But you know who sucks more? LameDainlian Tomlinson. I drafted him #5 in one league and #9 in another. These are both money leagues (gambling is bad (if you're gay)), and he's already hurt, so I'm basically fucked. Rape really isn't funny. Unless you're a fan of GS, which of course you are. I hope Tomlinson's wife gets raped.

/don't care if you're not laughing

Because I've been more sober lately, I've had a chance to watch some fucking trashy films. Here's how they rate:

Fast and Furious: 0 Stars- Fucking awful. I made it through 25 minutes of it. Turned it off. This comes from a guy who loved movies like Saw, Sorority Boys, and Sleepover. Vin Diesel is a fucking retard, and I hope he gets raped in the ass by Melanie Oudin's tennis racket (business end of course).

Friday the 13th (the new one): 5 Stars- It's a fucking Jason movie. People die. Tits fly around like pre horse-riding Christopher Reeve, and I get a boner.

This Is It- This is a documentary on the last days of Michael Jackson. I haven't seen the movie, just a 2:00 preview. I have one question: Who gives a flying fuck? Michael Jackson, since I'm sure you read this, I want you to know one thing: I'm glad you're dead and your movie is going to suck. Die again.

I referenced Melanie Oudin because she was just shown on the Atlanta Braves broadcast, sitting between two pedophiles. They're gonna be disappointed, because I think she's at least 18, but for all you twinophiles out there, Melanie has a twin. Named Murray. Yeaaaa, Melanie Oudin with a mustache and a penis. Cheddar!

I want to get back to this Mayweather/Marquez fight. I ordered it. I root for Money Mayweather. Why?

Because he is America. No that's not a typo. I didn't mean to say that he's American. He is America. Extravagance. Bombasity, Attitude, Excess, FRATTTINESSSS.

Oh and this just in, HHH, one of my least favorite wrestlers, is gonna be in Money Mayweather's corner tonight. I fucking love it.

Fuck you Mexico. You have been the grundle of America for too long. I hope Mayweather uppercuts your champ out of the fucking ring.

-Mr. K

(Might be updated later)

Hams' Stone Cold Locks of the Week

2009-09-18T23:18:00.004-04:00

In this new feature, Steamed Hams will provide our 5 million devoted readers with some stone cold gambling locks, along with a great moment in Stone Cold Steve Austin history. I know Mr. Kennedy has done the picks in the past, but since he is likely passed out drunk under his desk at GS Enterprises LLC until Sunday, I'm going to step up and do the honors this week. These picks will be broken down into three categories: Hate Pick (where I make a pick based on hate), Homer Pick (where I bet on my team's game) and Big Game Pick (pretty self-explanatory, you idiot).

COLLEGE

We aren't exclusive to the NFL here at GS, so if gambling on the performance of flaky, immature 18-22 year olds is your thing, then check out our college picks.

Hate Pick
Duke (+24) at Kansas

I hate Kansas because the quarterback once made out with my college housemate's girlfriend. And that chick was the most despicable wench you could ever meet. Double whammy for the Jayhawks. Not only did Todd Reesing help my friend get cheated on, he did it with a huge cunt. That said, this is a terrible pick. Duke is awful, which makes complete sense, since my and Mr. K's high school is one of the biggest feeders to its football program. But the power of hate is strong my friends, and that cancels out all logic.

Homer Pick
Penn State (-30.5) vs. Temple

Though I live in the shadows of a different Big 10 school, Penn State will remain as my homer team. Perhaps that will change in the future, but then we wouldn't be able to use this picture:

The Nixxxty Lions square off with Philly trash Temple. Now, this is another pick that will probably not happen, since the gay little Owls usually manage to put up a good fight, but homerism conquers all. PSU is due for an offensive outburst, though, after only putting up 31 against Akron and 28 against 'Cuse in the first two. Also, Penn State is extremely overrated at No. 5, not that I'm complaining.

Big Game Pick
USC (-18.5) at Washington

This has all the makings of a typical USC upset. The Trojans are coming off a big win, they're on the road, and UW is supposedly a tough place to play. But the Huskies have already blown their emotional load when they lost to LSU at home, and oh yeah, they lost this game 56-0 on their way to an 0-12 record last year. USC big, even with another new quarterback.

NFL

Hate Pick
New Orleans (-1.5) at Philadelphia

I'm not totally sold on the Saints, as they did give up some points to Detroit last week, but come on, Kevin fucking Kolb. I think the Saints win close, and the Eagles fans embrace Kolb. Think about it, their other quarterback options are McNabb (black), Garcia (gay and Mexican) and Vick (black). Kolb is a pretty generic white man, the perfect Philly athlete, unless he's Jewish or something.

Homer Pick
Pittsburgh (-3) at Chicago

Cutler probably won't do any worse than last week, even though he's actually facing a real defense this time. But, he's on my fantasy team, so he will automatically suck it hard. And I would welcome that with open arms. I see a 20-14 win, with hopefully lots of players mocking Brian Urlacher for missing the rest of the season with a pussy wrist injury.

Big Game Pick
Dallas (-3) vs. New York

I feel pretty dirty about making this pick, as Dallas is one of my all-time least favorite cities. Texas as a whole is pretty sweet, but every state has that city that is just pure Wal-Mart country. Everything is fucking generic. Yeah there are enough Mexicans to make some good food, but anytime you are doing something in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, you find yourself saying, "I could be doing this exact same thing anywhere else in the country, especially in a place that isn't so fucking hot." But, the Giants offense is pretty shitty since losing Plaxico. Now, you may be thinking that they looked solid last week, but remember, that was against the Skins. And there's no way Jerry allows the Cowboys to lose their opener in the new stadium.

STONE COLD MOMENT OF THE WEEK

Stone Cold Steve Austin spraying the Corporation with beer.

So much fucking sweetness captured in this video. This happened in the Pepsi Arena in Albany (home of the Siena Saints), which makes it personally awesome to me. But also, he hits the fucking Titantron with the top of the truck, imagine if they sucker came down and crushed hundreds of people. No way Vince stops the show. Spraying people in suits with beer is too epic to miss. Also, how amazing was the Attitude era? Nothing in wrestling or sports or the drama genre will ever touch it. So many badass stables (DX, Corporation, Ministry, Corporate Ministry, the Brood, The Nation), awesome storylines (Owen Hart dying) and hot chicks (Sable, Debra, the Fabulous Moola). You could actually wear a wrestling t-shirt to school and not be considered "poor" or a dirtbag. For Christmas, I actually had the audacity to ask for a DX football jersey, on the back it had the number 69 and said "Suck It" for the name. Santa didn't bring it, but it was still badass. Also in middle school, myself and about 20 people all pretended to be different wrestlers in the different stables (I think I was Shane McMahon) and would beat the shit out of eachother after school in a massive gangfight every day. And we were the "cool" kids of the school. Wrestling will never see that level again.

Mr. K is mad, SHOCKER

2009-09-13T20:06:00.004-04:00

Ladies and Gentleman, the 2009 Washington Redskins' starting QB

If you are one of the people who contributed to our 5 million+ hits, then I'm sure you are prepared for this. I am a little upset.

I will say this: without looking at Wikipedia or doing any research whatsoever, I can say that Jason Campbell is a GDI. He did not pledge a fraternity.

Jim Zorn is mentally deficient.

Albert Haynesworth is fat.

I'm glad Malcolm Kelly (1 catch, 6 yards) is my team's #2 WR.

Santana Moss... I don't know how to say it. Just go back and watch the game. You tell me. Trash.

I'm glad Brian Orakpo was used well. (......)

Will the Redskins finish 15-1? Yes. Will they beat Hams's Steelers in the SB? 100% yes.

Did Shawne Merriman rape Tila Tequila? I say no. But if he did, then he pussied out before being effective.

Between Fantasy Football and Fantasy Baseball playoffs, I might go 4-1. That doesn't upset me, but I do expect to go 5-0, because I'm FAR more knowledgeable than the rest of you shitheads.

Mets-Phillies tonight. I hate both teams. But I need David Wright to have a good showing. Otherwise, I will be eliminated from the only baseball league I care about.

Kurt Warner and co. = dogshit, and I'm glad I have most of them on my squad.

Antwaan Randle El just won back the #2 receiver position.

True Blood is money.

If my baseball paloffs don't go as planned, then I shant be posting here again. Because I'll be dead.

-Mr. K.

Lazily rolling out the AFC picks

2009-09-13T15:45:00.003-04:00

In true GS fashion, I am presenting my American Football Conference predictions extremely late. The early games are just about all wrapped up as I write this, so this can't even be considered a preview any more. Nonetheless, this is still a very exciting time in the football universe. Right now, you are probably scrambling to impulsively drop half of your fantasy team for players who put together a fluky performance to start the season. I MUST HAVE ROMO! Actually, I could probably really use the guy, since I have Jake Delhomme as my backup option (-2 points today).

So I'll start by offering a few observations on what I've seen today. Note: What I've seen today consists of half of one game (Broncos-Bengals) and a bunch of final scores—so clearly this will be complete BS.

-Prepare to hear about the Saints being the greatest team to ever grace the NFL. Their offense is awesome, but remind yourself that this team was .500 last year. The Saints should play in the Big 12.

-The Steelers will defy the laws of mathematics and clinch the AFC North by Week 6. Based on one game, I know that the Ravens suck. Also, the Browns and Bengals are just...sad. That whole midwest meets rustbelt confluence is incredibly depressing. I can't imagine living here without being in a city. This region leads the world in the "talented authors who commit or attempt suicide" per capita. Hemingway (Illinois suburb), Hunter S. Thompson (Northern Kentucky), David Foster Wallace (Central Illinois) and Kurt Vonnegut (Indianapolis) lead the way.

-The Jim Breuer Pizza Hut commercial is the most lazily written advertisement ever. Irrelevant 90's comedian? Check. Awful catch phrase? Check. "Manly" things (sports, women) Check. Shitty product (seriously, a ring of cheese on the crust? what the fuck is that? Stuffed crust needs no improvement) Check and Check. The following is the only commercial that was ever entertaining:

-No comment on Favre, since he played Cleveland.

-I don't think I even noticed that the Colts got a new stadium last year. It is kinda sweet.

Alright, time for the pre(cum)DICKtions:

DIVISION CHAMPS
North: Steelers
South: Titans
West: Chargers
East: Patriots

Wild Cards: Jets, Colts

AFC 'SHIP
Steelers over Patriots

SUPER BOWL
Steelers over Redskins, who recover from shaky start against Giants to outscore opponents 800-0 on 100 consecutive touchdown passes and two-point coversions to Chris Cooley. I promptly win my fantasy league. But Cooley is run out of town after NFC Championship due to sex scandal with Buck Angel.

People are Catching On!

2009-09-11T10:03:00.002-04:00

Well you know by now that Hams and I are genuine Nostradamuses when it comes to the game of American Football. I have predicted a Redskins win over the Steelers in the Super Bowl (which is 100% going to happen).

Well it now seems that semi-respectable media outlets are now glombing on to our bold predictions and passing them off as their own. Per ProFootballTalk:

Now that we're part of the semi-legitimate media, we need to behave like the semi-legitimate media and pretend that we know what we're talking about when it comes to predicting the teams that will make it to the postseason.

The reality is that no one knows what will happen, primarily because the only certainty is that injuries will screw up everything.

We often criticize so-called experts who base their predictions too heavily on the outcome of the prior season, so we've picked our Super Bowl teams in part by playing it safe and in part by thinking beyond the box.

Our best guess as of right now is that the Redskins and the Steelers will face off in February, and that the Steelers will win their third title in five years.

A lot of careful thought went into that. Specifically, the guys at WSSP in Milwaukee put me on the spot Wednesday morning, and so I blurted out the picks my cousin Josh had e-mailed to me the day before.

But I'll go with that. I've been saying for months that the Redskins could be the surprise team of the NFC, and the Steelers are bringing back too much talent and have too good of a coach to not be considered the favorites to return to the championship game.

Here's the rest of the AFC playoff field, as we (actually, I) see it.

AFC East champ: Patriots.

AFC North champ: Steelers.

AFC South champ: Titans.

AFC West champ: Chargers.

Wild cards: Bengals and Colts.

For the NFC, here's what we've got.

NFC East champ: Redskins.

NFC North champ: Vikings.

NFC South champ: Saints.

NFC West champ: Seahawks.

Wild cards: Packers and Falcons.

I like the Pats to make it to the AFC title game, and the Vikings to get to the NFC championship.

Again, we all make these predictions because we have to. No one really knows how the season will play out. There are too many moving parts and factors beyond anyone's control.

But, hey, if I end up being right, you'll never hear the end of it.

I admire PFT's bravery... but they just barely missed being 100% accurate. A Steelers win over the Redskins? Fuck that. The Skins already own a big "W" over those pussies from Ohi-- I mean Pittsburgh this year. Suck it Pittsburgh. I hate you. And Hams.

-K

5,000,000 HITS and THE NFL SEASON BEGINS

2009-09-10T11:24:00.007-04:00

FUCK YEA

Shocker of the year, Hams and I got lazy and didn't come anywhere near finishing our half-assed and lackadaisical NFL Previews. But that didn't stop you morons from visiting our site En Masse, as we recently crossed the 5 Million Hits Mile Stone!

/Crotch Chop at KSK

Now, even though we don't have souls, we feel bad about shirking you dickbags by not following through on our promises. So what are we going to do?

Well we're going to make like a couple of parents who were too lazy to find a Tickle Me Elmo for their kid, bought him the Bananas in Pajamas toy instead, and then blamed it on Santa. AKA, we're going to give you a lesser product and then pass the buck onto someone else...

COP-OUT!!

So, like the Analysts at ESPN and CNNSI, I'm going to finish the NFC Previews with my predictions with absolutely no explanations for these predictions.

Division Winners
NFC West- Seahawks
NFC Central- Vikings
NFC South- Saints
NFC East- Eagles (Ugh)

Wild Cards
Giants
Redskins

NFC Championship
Redskins over Seahawks

Super Bowl:
Redskins over (just a hunch of what Steamed Hams's AFC Champ will be) The Steelers!

And a giant erection in my pants.

Now THIS is a transition

In the spirit of things, I will now offer my ANALysis of tonight's NFL Opener, complete with a BOLD preDICKtion.

Titans vs. Steelers

Kerry Collins throws for 600 yards, 4 TDs, and 1 Rushing TD... all after tossing back a handle of Wild Turkey during the pregame.

Kenny Britt catches for 600 yards, 4 TDs, and wastes away on my fantasy bench because I won't have the stones to start him.

Chris Johnson rushes for 300 Yards, 2 TDs

LenWhale White rushes for 8 yards, and 8 TDs

Rob Bironas kicks 12 FGs and 14 XPs

---

Roethlisberger goes out early with a concussion, Kordell "Slash" Stewart and Touchdown Tommy Maddox take over the reins and are ineffective.

Everyone else on the Steelers dies.

Final Score:
Titans: 134
Steelers: 6 (Slash lives up to his nickname and knocks a couple of 70 Yard Field Goals through the uprights)
----

So there you have it. Solid Fantasy analysis and 100% bona-fide predictions. Bank on it.

-Mr. K

AFC West, the NFC West of the AFC

2009-08-20T16:55:00.009-04:00

Steamed Hams here, and we're going to continue the NFL preview coverage with another god awful division, the AFC West. The West might just be the gayest division in all of sports. There's San Diego, the Raiders (gay eye-patched pirates), Broncos (well-hung ponies) and, um, the Chiefs. To sum up the division in 2008, Denver shit the bed and the Chargers came through in the "clutch" to reach a stellar record of 8-8 and make the playoffs, where this happened:

But the champs' preview is for another day, let's get to the prognostic(masturb)ations.

San Diego Chargers
2008 Record: 8-8

Key Players:
Philip Rivers Cuomo, LaDainian "Mike Tomlin"son, Shawne Merriman, Luis Castillo, and basically any other defensive player who fails a drug test. The only player in Chargers history not worthy of steaming hate is that badass Aussie punter that used to jack people up.

The Chargers will once again win the division this year, by virtue of the other three teams being exceptionally pathetic. Any other result would be an absolute disappointment. Merriman's back, full of rapey goodness and horse steroids, and Rivers is fairly legit, as douchey as he is.

But let's face it, the Chargers have no chance at doing anything significant in the postseason. The whole organization, from the team name, to the stupid song, to the awful stadium just seems like some lame 70's gimmick. The only thing missing is Wes Mantooth whipping Paul Rudd with a chain in the parking lot.

Predicted Finish: 10-6, not because they improved, but because everyone else got worse.

Kansas City Chiefs
2008 Record: 2-14

Key Players: Matt Cassell, Larry "Big" Johnson, Bernard Pollard

Some people are speculating that the Chiefs could be decent this year -- those people should be wearing helmets to protect their retarded brains. Ooo they got Matt Cassell! He was a Patriot! He went 11-5! Against the worst schedule in the NFL! With a team that went 18-1 the year before! He lost every important game he played and failed to make the playoffs!

Analysts, shut the fuck up. The Chiefs are going to be horrid. Gonzalez is gone, LJ is worthless without a decent O-line, and one of their big offseason acquisitions is Ashley Lelie, you know, the guy you pick in the 20th round of the fantasy draft because you went to go rub one out and set it to autodraft.

The only bright spot on the team is Bernard Pollard, who has been granted a lifetime exemption from all criticism for his fine charitable work in Week 1 of 2008.

Predicted finish: 2-14

Oakland Raiders
2008 Record: 5-11

Key Players: Janikowski, that Nigerian cornerback

Look, I don't know shit about the Raiders, and why should I? They are the worst organization in pro sports, narrowly edging out the Pittsburgh Pirates. I mean, their most well-known player is a drunk fat-ass kicker who may or may not even still play for them, I'm too lazy to fact-check. I'm picking them second in the division only because I expect Denver to plummet like a fucking rock. And if you're wondering why this post took a sudden turn for the worse, it's because I'm drunk and decided to finish this at 3 a.m. Count Chocula and the Raiders will win maybe four games this season, then trade up in the draft to take Tim Tebow with the second pick. You heard it here! Tebow will line up with other college greats Robert Gallery and Jamarcus Russell, and lead the silver and black to glory. Not! Look, I took the BART across the bay through Oakland once, and it was one of the most depressing place I've ever seen, probably tied with Gary, Indiana for the title of America's foreskin crust. Also, what's up with that picture? I found it on some latino guy's myspace page.

Predicted finish: 6-10

Denver Broncos
2008 Record: 8-8

Key Players: Eddie "Winslow" Royal, Brandon Marshall "football plane crash tragedy"

Most underrated mascot in the gay department. Just look at it, a fire-crotched pony with an attitude — how fearsome! All you need to know about the Denver Broncos is that they will be awful. Kyle Orton is terrible, like 95% of all quarterbacks to ever come from the Big 10 (Brady and Brees excepted). Knowshon Moreno will probably get a lot of carries this season, so I guess that is notable. But he will probably tear an ACL by week four and be forgotten forever. Sorry!

The Broncs may have a decent defense this year, led by the newly acquired Brian Dawkins. But seriously, when was the last time a defensive acquisition made a big difference for a team? Answer: Never! Especially you, Brian Dawkins, not only were you an Eagle, but you are probably best known for wearing a visor, great legacy.

But seriously, could this franchise do much more to get worse? Shanahan was a solid coach, but the front office apparently wasn't happy with the two Super Bowl rings and constant playoff presence that he provided them. Cutler and Plummer were both sensitive pussies, but could find ways to win some games at quarterback. Also, Jason Elam was shown the door last year. I mean, I know the guy wrote a Christian thriller about a football-related terrorist attack, but that's really no reason to release a guy who cranks out last-second 50-yard field goals like I bust nuts to memories of a certain Arctic Fox.

Predicted finish:; 4-12

Mr. Kennedy's 2009 NFC West Preview!!!

2009-08-20T15:59:00.004-04:00

There is so much intrigue in the NFC West that I had to double check which teams were actually in the division (in spite of being quite brushed up on the NFL). This division was the worst in the NFL last year, yet somehow produced the NFC representative to the Super Bowl behind the geriatric right arm of Kurt Warner (hooray Cybertronics). Let’s start with the lone playoff team from the division a year ago, the previously mentioned Stanford Cardinal.

Arizona Cardinals
2008 Record: 8-8

Key Players:
Larry “Csonka” Fitzgerald, Kurt “Kittner” Warner, Aeneas Williams

Ok I’m just kidding about Aeneas Williams. I really meant to write Pat Tillman, hard hitting safety. Oh I’m just kidding about that too. He can’t cover anyone and moves like a corpse when he’s out on the field.

Truth be told, the Cardinals are the utter definition of a mediocre team that caught absolute lightning at the exact right time. They were so bad on defense last year (until the playoffs), that even a team (the Redskins) led by a Mentally Handicapped Mouth Breather at QB (Jason Campbell) put up 24 pts on them.

That said, this team will challenge for the division based solely on the fact that their offense is Swine Flu Sick. I expect Matt Leinart to be starting by week 3 and to win the NFL MVP this year, especially since (didn’t you hear), banging hot sluts now will count towards a team’s total score. Larry Fitzgerald is a first round fantasy pick this year and, if Beanie Wells can stay healthy, their running game should be vastly improved from last year, when “Tiny” Tim Hightower and Edgerrin James “Brown” led an anemic attack.

Still, these are the Goddam Cardinals. And remember what happened following their last successful season? 10 years of shit. So much like the elusive Cicada, don’t expect to see a good Cardinals team to re-emerge for another decade.

Predicted Finish: 7-9, 2nd NFC West

Seattle Seahawks
2008 Record: 4-12

(No Picture for the Seahawks because this preview is boring just like the team)

Key Players:
Matt Hasslebeck, Julius Jones, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Lofa Tatupu, Walter Jones R.I.P

This team was atrocious last year. And, although many will say they were unlucky with injuries, I say that their injured players just didn’t want to suit up for games in Seattle (one of the shittiest cities on the planet). I don’t blame them, and I especially don’t blame Fratty Matt Hasslebeck, one of the smartest players in the game). This team really isn’t that good either, but they’re better than the rest of the trash in that division. Housh is overrated but better than the schlups they had last year (Deion Branch, Koren Robinson, Bobby Engram???-Sorry Steamed Hams). Julius “June” Jones is also a steaming pile of Steve McNair’s brains, so don’t expect him to factor that much. I predict they go winless at home because they hate their city so much, but win every game on the road and make the playoffs, just because Matt Hasslebeck is pissed that the playoffs weren’t as boring last year as they normally are (when he’s playing in some of the games). What a bitter fuck.

Predicted Finish: 8-8, Lose in NFC Championship (at home)

San Franciscan Monks
2008 Record: 7-9 Reallllly?

Key Players:
(Benjamin) Frank(lin) Gore and St. Patrick Willis

I was legit stunned to see that a team helmed by an obvious Irish Alcoholic (J.T O’ Sullivan) and Shaun “Dru” Hill finished with a somewhat respectable record. But alas, I suppose a bunch of teams who were out of the Playoffs (Cough*Redskins*Cough) decided to do heroine the night before and weren’t really feeling up for the game. But as Kurtis Blow once said, “Those are the breaks”.

Frank Gore, when he’s not busy stampeding asshole safari-goers, is busy stampeding the dreams of whichever person makes the mistake of drafting him in their fantasy draft. Why? Because he’s an alumnus of the “U”, which we all know is the primo breeding ground for lazy and irresponsible athletes.

Ahh the memories:

Anyways, this team is always a sexy pick to be vastly improved, and it never is. This team will either go 16-0 or 4-11-1. And I’m gonna go with the height of Shakira for my pick.

Predicted Finish: 4-11-1

St. Louis Rams
2008 Record: 2-14

Key Players:
Steven “Michael” Jackson, Marc “Pants” Bulger, Orlando Pace Maker

Orlando Pace doesn’t play for them anymore? Marc Bulger is hurt? Steven Jackson is going to die after carrying the ball 740 times this year? Well at least they get to beat my Redskins in week 2 (just like they beat them last year)… otherwise this team isn’t winning shit.

Predicted Finish: 1-15

So there you have it. Informative, insightful, and incestuous. Check back for Steamed Hams’s AFC previews!

Hey, Fuck you

2009-08-18T20:44:00.004-04:00

That's right, dildos...

as Steamed Hams, my esteemed colleague, so eloquently put it, we're back after an extended hiatus of laziness and general non-creativity. But that all comes to an end starting today. Because while you GDIs of the world have been running amok, acting like douches, we've been recruiting help and planning your demise. We've brought in the big gunz...

aka big carz. Because if we wanted big gunz, we'd have brought in Plaxico Burress to say a few words. As is, drunken manslaughter is funnier.

So yes, check back for our season preview which should prove to be 2 things:

1) Offensive and
2) Completely devoid of any useful information.

Yeaaaa Asianzzzzzz

WE'RE BAAAAACK

2009-08-18T16:59:00.003-04:00

Summer vacation is over bitches! The GS staff is back in action, all pent up with rage and vitriol to be spewed across the foreheads of the lamest geeds in the worlds of football, pop culture, retarded politics aaaand um, well mostly football. So strap yourself in, because first up will be our totally unique NFL division-by-division previews!

The Winter X Games

2009-02-13T23:25:00.004-05:00

Note: The following post is postdated from the Sunday before the Super Bowl... it's still sweet)

The Winter X Games are ridiculous. Granted, there are a few sweet competitions, but overall it’s just a bunch of crunchy dread-wearing freaks who don’t wash their faces and thus have uncontrollable acne even though they’re 27 years old. Look, skiing is basically one of the frattiest things you can do. But aside from skiing, there really isn’t much to be seen on the mountains. Snowboarding is for losers who spend half of their time sitting on their asses in the middle of the slope, pretending they’re relaxing when it’s clearly the case that they’re just not good enough to get down the mountain on their feet.

I’m not taking anything away from the really talented snowboarders. You have to give those guys credit because they’re actually good. I just despise the people who just rock the “snowboarding mountain hippy” persona just because they think it’s cool to be extreme. Conversely, skiers who pretend to be a lot better than they are are just as annoying. I don’t discriminate.

But the X Games (the “X” stands for EXTREME, get it!?!?) barely focus on the talented skiers and snowboarders of the world. The event that popped on as I was perusing through ESPN was Women’s Half Pipe. Talk about absolute trash. Their biggest tricks we’re basically glorified 180s 2 feet above the pipe. I’d say 90% of the competitors fell on their asses. The other 10%? Well they were the medal winners. Congrats on your huge accomplishment.

I saw a preview for a Snowmobile Trick Competition. C’mon. The announcers were talking excitedly about the possibility of someone doing a double backflip with a snowmobile. Last I checked, this was earth, and not Candyland. As the great philosopher Owen Wilson once said, “I'd like to be (a cowboy) from Arizona or (a pimp) from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.” Doing backflips on a snowmobile is preposterous. You might as well be pogo sticking across a frozen lake or trying to fly a hot air balloon into space. Idiots.

And that’s the kind of schlock that makes up the Winter X Games. A bunch of Mountain Dew swigging, sawdust bathing, gross dread wearing, Jnco Jeans dressing weirdos getting together for the Super Bowl of people who don’t like American Football. Why else do you think they hold it on one of the most miserable weekends of the year (the Sunday before the Super Bowl)?

Author’s Note: This is an addendum done after I saw the biggest travesty ever. I decided to do a little more research on this joke of an event, and I was stunned to see that I hadn’t touched upon the most egregious example of idiocy. This particular event was a “Snowboard Big Air” event. I came to watch this debacle near the very end. It was the finals of the contest. One of these contestants was from Switzerland or something. He was good. The other guy was named Simon Dumont or something of that ilk. Simon Dumont.

SIMON DUMONT.

What nationality do you think he is?

Well, either he’s an anglo saxon or he’s a frenchie. It’s either Doo-Mont or Doo-Mon. Either way, he’s NOT what the announcers said he was.

Native American. Oh by the way. That’s him below.

After I swallowed my own vomit, choked and died, and resurrected myself just to do this post, I managed to watch the finals of this contest. The first guy, the Swede or whatever he was, did an awesome maneuver. Then Chief Tonto Simon Dumont did a double frontflip, which only sounds impressive until you hear what the announcer said: that the trick was first done 20 years ago, and that the Swedish guy’s move is an utterly unique move named after the competitor himself…HIMSELF.

So you figure, “this is a legit competition. The better “athlete” is sure to win.”

Well you are wrong. Because this is the Winter Farce/Fake/Moron Games. How does the champion get decided?

A TEXT MESSAGE VOTE FROM THE FANS.

So who wins? The NATIVE AMERICAN named Simon Dumont. And it wasn’t close. 75%-25%.

I’m glad I got to witness this travesty, because it just gives more legitimacy to my claim that the X GAYmes are the most ridiculous thing ever. They are to sports what Prince is to weightlifting.

I have one thing to say to the people who get excited for the Winter X Games: Get Out.

And if you texted in, at any point, to vote for any contest in the X Games, I have this to say to you: Go Fuck Yourself. I hope your Son/Daughter is born handicapped.

-Mr. K

P.S- Congrats to GS for hitting the 2,000,000 mark on visitors to the site!

Steamed Hams sounds off

2009-02-11T00:54:00.005-05:00

My job involves watching high school basketball a couple times a week. Sounds sweet right? Just spend about a third of the work day watching sports and taking pictures? Not as sweet as it sounds. Why? Because basketball in suburban/rural areas is garbage.

This is NOT entertaining

The torture starts from the beginning. The teams take the floor in their warmup suits, and at least five layers of extraneous t-shirts, shorts and cut-off shirts over their uniforms. They run a lap around the court in a line, which seamlessly transitions into the tip drill. If the players are especially skilled, they can also slap the backboard with each pass. The soundtrack to this display of athleticism is invariably a collection of the latest jamz by mainstream rappers. When I was in middle school, my basketball team entered the floor to DMX's "...And then were was X". Damn, that must have intimidated the shit out of our opponents. Now I'm not hating on rap, few things get you more jacked than a sick bass line and Murphy Lee hook. The problem is, if you are blaring rap while doing something you suck at, you look like a fucking idiot.

These are examples of not sucking, set to rap music

After the warmups comes player introductions. The teams will form a little human tunnel for the starters to run through. Everyone claps a sweet rhythm like, "clap-clap clap, clap-clap clap" Ohhhh shit SON I'M SO AMPED. After a player's name is announced, he runs through the high five tunnel and, now this is essential, meets a teammate who is stationed at the opening of the tunnel, and engages in a flying chest bump or an intricate high-five. This greeter is ALWAYS white. If the team is all-white (likely) he is the fat senior on the team who wears a t-shirt under his jersey. After all the starters are introduced the team will then meet at mid-court to join arms in a circle and do an embarassing breakdown dance.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more awkward, the game starts. You'd think that since all the players are white, you'd see some decent shooting, good ball control and strong fundamentals. Wrong. Oh sure the players will shoot a lot of jump shots, but they will miss 90% of them. They will also miss an inexplicably high amount of lay-ups and free throws. Are you kidding me? What they fuck else are you doing in practice, that you only shoot 40% from the line? The only people with an excuse for sucking at free throws are freaks with giant hands and people athletic enough to dunk. People who can dunk can, and should, spend as much time as possible working on wind mill dunks in practice. If the closest you have come to dunking is grabbing the net and climbing up the the rim, then you should be shooting a thousand free throws a day. There is also a jump ball every five seconds. But not because the players are "scrappy", rather it is because they can't possess the fucking ball for longer than two dribbles without bouncing it off their knees.

After 32 minutes of 2-1-2 defense and Princeton backdoor offense, the score will be somewhere around 42-31. The final 60 seconds of game time will take 5 hours, because white people are bred to NEVER give up. This means intentionally fouling even though you are losing by 10 with three seconds left. After more missed foul shots and hideous line drive three pointers, the game will eventually, mercifully, end.

Now, Mr. Kennedy and I got to at times see some quality high school hoops. Which makes us better than you. If you've never had the opportunity to see a classmate throw down a sick dunk or taunt a future NBA player about his freakish skin condition, then you just haven't lived.

It's Time for a Rant

2009-01-10T14:57:00.002-05:00

***Warning, Do Not Read this Post if you don't want the ending ruined for you... not like it matters***

How in the FUCK did "No Country for Old Men" win the Oscar for best picture? Allow me to explain something to all you aspiring filmmakers out there (xXx films or otherwise). When you make a movie, in order for it to be good, you must have a beginning, a middle, and an END. In porno, the worst films are those with no moneyshot, no climax, nothing. When the screen just fades to black, well that's just lazy.

"No Country" is, for 80% of the duration, a solid film. It builds great tension. The bad guy is fucking awesome. But then, inexplicably, the makers of this story/movie decided to bend the viewer over (who just invested 2 hours of his time), and anally violate him/her. Without lube. With sandpaper covering their dongs.

Here is the ending:

Tommy Lee Jones laments the fact that he's an old bag of bones. Then it fades to black. There is no resolution to this movie. Apparently all of the good guys die, the bad guy gets away, and Tommy Lee Jones (the laziest cop in the history of mankind and who does absolutely nothing the entire movie to curb any of the bad things that are going on) talks to some random people who we've never seen before about how he sucks at life.

How does that rub you? Because that rubbed me the wrong way. I stared at the screen for a moment, jaw dropped, and exited On Demand. Thank God I didn't pay a cent for this pile of dirt, because it would have been a bigger waste of money than the Calzaghe-Roy Jones Jr. fight I purchased. And that was a Titanic-sized waste of dinero.

Look, some movies are 100% good and then have a terrible ending, bringing the quality down to 70% or whatever. Some movies are 50% good, and then the ending is 100% awesome, bringing the movie to 80%. But this movie, which is pretty much 100% good for 100 minutes, has ZERO ending. And when that happens friend, there is one, simple, undeniable fact:

The movie gets 0 Stars, 0 %, 2 Thumbs Down. To put my hatred for this movie in perspective, I gave Sorority Boys, National Security, and Head of State positive reviews. In a school newspaper. For everyone to see.

I hate a bunch of movies, but this is the WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN.

Now to segue into a rant against a different entity. I fucking despise you people who pretended to like this movie. Don't give me "Different strokes for different folks". That's bullshit. When you buy a car with a 10,000 mile warranty and that shit breaks down at 9,000 miles, you will be compensated. If you don't, you get ripped off. This is a simple principle, people. No Country for Old Men is a Hyundai that broke down at 9,000 miles, and the Coen Brothers (the bags of shit who directed this), didn't help us out at all.

You fucking film critics should siphon an entire gas tank out of a Humvee. Except, instead of dispensing it elsewhere, you should do the world a solid, swallow the gas, and then eat a lit match.

Anyone who says they liked this movie is lying because they heard a bunch of other liars say they liked it. BUT I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS, MY FELLOW AMERICANS!

Let the campaign against these con artists and this rip-off of a movie begin here. I want its Oscar revoked, and I want all DVDs, film footage, Video files, etc. of this movie deleted from existence. And we shall never speak of it again!!!!

Amen.

-Mr. K.

Ringing in the New Year- Frattiest Main Characters Ever

2009-01-04T01:41:00.002-05:00

With the immaculate conception of this blog, I posted a list of top 10 sweetest movies of all time. It amused me immensely while I was writing that, so tonight, as I still recover from a New Year's Debacle, I figured I would follow suit on that post and wax poetic on my ten favorite main frat characters ever.

A side note: I won't waste your time on guys from Frat affairs like Animal house with Blutarsky. And Old School wasn't really frat at all, so you will see none of those fools here. This list focuses on the main characters in films that don't give a shit. Enjoy.
----------------------

10) Tony Stark- Ironman

Gotta start this list off with a bang. Fruitcakes like Peter Parker and Clark Kent won't appear here because they S-T-I-N-K. Tony S., on the other hand, bangs hots chicks, makes tons of bank, and saves the day... all while wearing a codpiece that accentuates his junk. Oh btw, how did he make his money? War profiteering! No, this blog isn't a pro-war organization... however, there is something to be said for a guy who makes millions of bone-dawgs off of WMDs.

9) Peter Gibbons- Office Space

If you have to ask why this guy blows the roof off this place, then you should go skydiving with a table cloth. Look, he hates his job and his girlfriend... so he stops caring about his job, bangs Jen Aniston, and catches trophy fish. It makes me mad that GDIs like this movie, because the "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta" montage is the epitome of FRAT. Only a true Frat Lord could pull that shit off.

8) Marv- Sin City

I guess he's technically not the main character in Sin City, but nobody really is. Ok, maybe Bruce Willis. But we're gonna suspend our rule for one place and let Marv in here. He's ugly, angry, SURLY. And he goes to town for a prostitute. Risks his life, even. Ok, so he's too dumb to realize that the chick he's helping later on is a twin, but he does fuck up Elijah Wood, a true king among the pantheon of GDIs.

7) Han Solo- Star Wars

Damn, I break the rule twice. Han is likely the 3rd billing on the Star Wars billboard. But, ultimately, his actor earned top billing. Bangs his best friend's sister (Leah), flies the frattiest ship in the universe (the Falcon), holds court with a huge hairy bastard that likes ripping off people's limbs ('Bacca). And to top it all off, he refuses to carry a fruity lightsaber like those 'mos Luke Skywalker and Ben 2 3PO. Oh did I mention that he porks Princess Leah?

6) El Mariachi- Desperado

Admittedly, I couldn't remember what this character's name was... but then again, I viewed this film over a decade ago. I don't even remember the plot. But I think El Mariachi had a close contact murdered by some asshole. So El Mariachi walks around with a case full of weapons. And he kills a fuckload of people. And he also bangs the bejeezus out of Salma Hayek. How many of you can ever claim that? Exactly.

5) Rocky Balboa- Rocky IV

I only cite Rocky IV, and with reason. Rocky was a 'tard in Rocky 1. He lost. He avenged his defeat in Rocky 2, just because his GF wanted him too. He beat Mr. T in Rocky 3 after his manager had a heart attack (it was pretty depressing overall. Rocky 5 was a trainwreck. Rocky 6 was kinda cool, but you can't get past the fact that Balboa was 60 during the fight... and that Stallone got caught with HGH in Australia.

Rocky IV was the BALLS because it was right in the middle of the Steroids movement. Look at Drago and Rocky. You think they got those bodies by pure lifting and a healthy diet? NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But it was still sooooo awesome. Drago kills Rocky's closest friend. So what does Rocky do? Go to the Siberian Tundra and train his ass off... beat Drago... and END the Cold War.

"If he can change, and the USSR can change, then FUCK IT!!!!"

4) Jack Sparrow- The Black Pearl

Get outta here.

----------------------

Now we get busy. The best of the best. The creme de la creme.

3) Frank Dux- Bloodsport

Bloodsport was #1 on my top 10 movies. Dux falls to #3 because the man does not match the movie. He's a healthy guy whose only motivation is pride. He doesn't murder anybody. He's not avenging or defending anyone/anything. And yet, the fact that he kicks the fuck out of Chong Li vaults him all the way to #3. He taps out his #1, undefeatable enemy. Van Damme is frat. He crushes young babes like a 4 year old builds sandcastles. 1 word: Kumite.

2) William Wallace- Braveheart

Ouch, this hurts. I really want him at #1. And, until 2 years ago, I'd have put him here. No, I don't demote him because of his anti-semitism. Not at all. I demote him because a role has come across that has outshadowed him. But, let's give William his due. His babe got murdered, so Wallace started a fucking war against a tyrant that led to his independence. He was pretty sure he'd die, but he didn't know for sure. Had it not been for some assbag turning on him, he might have won by himself. His country ultimately won, and that's awesome. But it isn't as awesome as.....

1) King Leonidas- 300

Can you deal with that?

300 men vs. hundreds of thousands? Knowing you would die, for sure? Fighting anyways, because you believed in the democratic way??

Motivating your nation to overthrow a true tyrant?!

Watch that movie and this scene and try not shedding a man tear for your main man Leonidas. I dare you.

- By Spartan Law, we lie.

Phellatio in Philadelphia

2008-12-28T15:01:00.001-05:00

Well, the matchup of the century has arrived. ST JOE'S VS. SIENA. Hams supports Siena (fruits), while I am a St. Joe's fellow. This is my chance to exact revenge for the debacle that occurred in FedEx in November. Check back later as one of us talks mad shit on the other.

-Kennedy

2008-12-21T20:36:00.003-05:00

So as you know, the Steelers lost today, and with the loss they are locked into the No. 2 seed. Whatever, we suck at home in the playoffs anyway. But you know what is sweet? All the teams I hate aren't in very good positions. Let's see, the Patriots and Ravens are both battling for the prestigious 6th seed in the AFC. The Ravens, as you know, are the fakest franchise in professional sports. The Atlanta Thrashers, Oklahoma City Thunder and Tampa Bay Mutiny all have better histories than you. Your team is actually from Cleveland, but you act as if they've been a part of your town for a century. You know why else you suck? Because that guy on the Best Buy commercial from Maryland is fucking annoying. I hate how you say the letter "O", you queer. You pronounce "phone" "phune" and it makes me want to stuff my cat into the pellet stove. Accents like that aren't cool, they are signs of mild retardation. But then again, you are a salesman at Best Buy, so it makes sense.

On the NFC side, the situation is a bit more dire for the teams I hate, the Cowboys and Eagles. Yesterday the Cowboys and Ravens played, and I faced a moral dilemma. Whoever lost was likely fucked, while the other squad would be in good shape for the postseason. Like most of you, I was rooting for God to send Dallas Stadium to an early grave by letting a few giant drops of God splooge flood the building. It would look a bit like this:

That would be the greatest Christmas miracle ever granted to man. Two miserable teams and 80,000 Cowboys fans drowning on God's seed. Meanwhile, Philadelphia is basically fucked. Irishman Donovan McNabb clearly spent too much time boozing at Mass and planning the next Knights of Columbus meeting as he put up an awful performance. The Eagles are fucked, and it will hurt all their lame fans even more when they look outside and realize they live in eastern Pennsylvania in December.

Workout Blog

2008-12-20T13:28:00.006-05:00

One thing that GDIs don't do is lift. Lifting is a staple of a sweet dude's life. That's why GDIs avoid it. They don't want to be sweet. They don't want hair on their balls. They want concave chests and measly triceps. I haven't had an upbeat post on here in a while. So I'm going to change that by taking you through my workout as I do it today. I have all of my lifting equipment in my apartment. That is:

Benchpress
35 Pound Dumbells
Adjustable Dumbells that can go as high as 100 lbs each
Medicine Ball
Adjustable bench for incline, decline, shoulder presses as well as ab routines
And a jug of N.O Xplode

I have already downed one glass of Xplode (I also rubbed one out on my go-to paysite www.videobox.com (NSFW). Some would say that busting a fat nut will take away needed testosterone. But when you have an excess of testosterone, like me, it's good to purge before working out, lest you break down your apartment wall.

1:30- Mixed another glass of N.O Xplode

1:33- My limbs are twitching with an excess of caffeine, excitement, and weirdness.

1:34- Heart is pumping out of my chest (2nd glass is halfway done).

Kanye is pumping off the IPod. He's a doosh but he makes nice jams.

The shitty bowl game is rocking on mute on the TV... the lifting atmosphere is just right.

1:36-Take a picture of myself for post:

This is me.

1:37- Take another huge swig of N.O Xplode. One more swig and it's off to the benchpress for 3 set.

1:40- N.O Xplode finished. 1 minute rest... then off to bench.

1:49- Just finished 3 sets on bench 1x8, 1x8, 1x6... all at 185 which is low for me. But I haven't lifted for about a week due to the flu. My pant serpent stands at full attention. Looking for a minute of rest, then doing some dumbell flypresses... because a sure fire way to tell if someone is a geed who happens to lift is that they have fairly big pecs in the middle, but their outsides are flabby and flaccid.

Pussy

2:00 PM- Just finished 3 sets of dumbbell flys. 3x15 at 35 lbs. each. I love the burn on the pecs. Like Herpes or hemorrhoids (I'd imagine). I smell like Jennifer McC_____ (she was the stinky chick in my grade school. Every year, we'd get put into different classes and, no matter what, she always ended up in my class... I hope it wasn't because I was a stinky kid too...:\)

This is her as a child...smelly

2:05- Now on to triceps... because, in case you Geeds didn't know, triceps account for 75% of your arms size... you're welcome for that tidbit of info, dooshes.

2:12- 3 sets of 20 of 35 lbs each arm tricep extensions... that wasn't English but... fuck you.

50 Cent- Get Up comes on... FUCK YEA...

time for forearms.

Mine look like this

2:22- Just finished 3 sets of forearm curls. These kill your arms, so that's basically the end of upper body work outs. It's on to abs.

Sidenote: If you're sitting there, wondering, "4 exercises? You pussy"... then you're an idiot. There is no point in doing multiple exercises for the same muscle group. Studies show that 95% of your pump and results come from the first exercise. Anything else is extraneous. Those dumbasses who work out for 2 hours are wasting their time. Get the eff out.

I was just listening to Crazytown- "Darkside" on the Ipod. Doubt how hardcore that shit is? Look at the lyrics:

Punk rock, shell toes,
Horns and halos.
Wicked white wings and
And pointed tails.
Devil's eyes and nine inch nails
Nocturnal renegades.
The eternal drug raid.
I go by the name of
Mr. Shifty Switchblade.
Getting paid in the shade,
As lyrics ricochet,
Off the walls
From the ceiling to the floor,
Off the door
And down the hall.
I'm evil like Knievel
Kicking white trash.
Psycho cerebral, palsy, ballsy
Bad ass.
Dressed in black,
From the wrong side of the tracks.
Crazy Town.
Yo, we strike like deep impact.

I'm onto Abs, which is the pussy part of my workout. But honestly, the reason dudes like me lift is 70% to impress the girls, 15% to be able to kick someone's ass, and 15% to impress ourselves with our physique and ability to put up a lot of weight.

Photo of a typical Baltimore Ravens Fan

Abs are boring. The N.O. Xplode is wearing off. But it's cool because I'm 3.2% better looking than I was at 1:30. That brings me to about 99.932%.

In summary, here's what you need to know:

I hate fat people. I hate geeds. I hate the Cowboys, Eagles, Ravens, and Steelers. I love porn. I'm a Libra. I like tunes that consist of techno, country, rap, rock, and FRANKIE SINATRA. And I am James Bond.

Another photo of yours truly.

PHUKK the Redskins

2008-12-15T00:53:00.003-05:00

I threw this post on Christopher Cooley's Blog because, well, that blog has gone from amusing to enormously irresponsible.

Tanner, Christ Cooley's brother, is a little SLIMEBALL with a tampon shoved up his asshole. He deletes anyone's post that asks why our favorite football team sucks.

I had a long, well thought-out post on one of CC's posts. And TANNER "I LIKE BEING A GIGANTIC ASS HAT" COOLEY deleted it.

I obviously went to the post below that. And I posted the following:

"By the way. Waaaaah. A Couple bitter season ticket holders (like me) ask for answers, and the entire OVERPAID Redskins squad dismisses us.

Geezus. Get real. Cooley (Chris, not Tanner, because Tanner is a J O K E) has one of the best jobs on earth.

Listen Tanner. I get paid middle class wage. If I underperform, my boss chews me out. That is how America works. Or should work.

When a Washington Redskin underperforms (KNOWING THAT THEY'RE GETTING PAID EXPONENTIALLY MORE THAN THE REST OF US), we reserve the RIGHT to make him feel like crap. CP, JC, ARE, etc.....OVERPAID. I said it.

"Boo effing hoo. We get paid millions of dollars in a recession economy. How DARE fans hold us accountable for our job performance?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?"

Seriously. This is how our economy SHOULD work. Accountability. When the Redskins blow (as players), our fans are going to follow suit.

I have tickets in section 426 for the Eagles game next week (Season Ticket holder/IDIOT), but guess what???????????????

I'll save my 40 dollar parking ticket by staying at home in baltimore. (Watching the team LOSE on tv is better than paying 150+ to watch this squad full of heartless B@$TARDS lose in person)

Amen

Delete me TT.

-----

Is that not correct and semi-rational? No wonder our economy is absolutely FUKKKKKKKED!!!!!!!!!!!

Enter rant:

That is simple economics. A product, as long as it's good, will command revenue.

The Redskins, as a product, are BROKEN. This is how things work in a Supply-and-Demand economy!!!! So, guess what? I COMMAND THE REST OF THE REDSKINS-CONSUMER NATION TO BOYCOTT WITH ME.

Fuck Snyder. Fuck that team that's filled with heartless ballerinas. If you want 2 tickets to lvl 426, post in the comment section (no, Hams, you don't count.... not like you'd want these two worthless pieces of cardboard anyways).

See you all in hell.

KENNEDY

It ain't what you think it is....

2008-12-14T21:52:00.004-05:00

You might expect this post to lament the latest Redskins debacle. But neigh. It shall not go that way. Instead, it's time to look at funny t shirts.

PS-Fuck the Redskins.

Snow Day!

2008-12-11T16:19:00.005-05:00

Remember the sheer joy of a snowday? I grew up in Upstate New York, so we saw our fair share of snow/ice/wintry mix. On top of that, the pub(l)ic school I attended was notorious for cancelling school at the mere sight of frozen precipitation. Seriously, I tell people who grew up an hour away from me where I went to school, and they remember how often my school got snowdays. For those of you who never got to experience the thrill of finding out you didn't have to go to school, I'll give you a play-by-play on how it develops.

NIGHT BEFORE: Your mom or dad tells you that you are expected to get snow to overnight. The weatherman foresees eight inches of powder dropping on your town like a ten-man bukkake on a geisha's face. FUCK YEA. You immediately stop doing your homework, banking on the fact that you won't be seeing your dick teachers the next morning. Now, if you were able to think rationally, you would just finish your assignments tonight so you could truly enjoy your day off tomorrow, but now that this snow day seed has been planted in your mind, there is zero chance of you being productive. [NOTE: Rarely, the storm looks so massive that school will be canceled the night before. This is perfect, because a school can't go back on its word after issuing this statement. It could end up being 50 degress and sunny the next day, and you get to stay a home and play Jurassic Park on Sega for 15 straight hours.

Get stunned triceratops!

7 A.M.: You wake up. You are too scared to look out the window and be disappointed by a brown landscape. So you anxiously turn on your clock radio and tune it to your favorite station. My go-to frequency was Fly92.3, the "cool" station that played the latest Boyz 2 Men and Cher jamz. Oh snap! They are in the middle of announcing the delays and cancellations. But FUCK, it sounds like you just missed your school in the alphabetical order rundown. So you hop out of bed, take glimpse out the window, and see a few solid inches of the white stuff covering the ground. You try not to get too optimistic, as there have been many occassions where your school cruelly made you show up in these conditions.

7:15 A.M.: So you run out to the living room, where the local news is on. There is a crawl at the bottom of the screen listing all the closings. Nowadays, you could just check the internet, but in the mid-90's the internet was a piece of shit. So again, you settle in and wait for your school to pop up. Your school inches closer and closer. You always look out for the other local district that comes a little earlier in the alphabet, knowing that their decision will likely match your school's. Oh shit, here it comes. You know that the next five seconds will determine your mood for the rest of the day. If you see "CLOSED", you will be fucking euphoric. If instead the crawl skips from "Hudson" to "Johnstown", right over the "I" schools, you will face the longest fucking school day in your life. But on this day, the stars align, and the glorious word "CLOSED" grace the screen. You fucking go berserk. You and your siblings/friends put on your badass one-piece snow suits, gloves, hast, moon boots, five pairs of long socks, and head outside.

7:30 A.M.-5:30 P.M: You tear up the local hill in your plastic sled or tube. Some cool older kid built a ramp at the bottom of the hill, which if you hit at top speed, results in a 75% chance of breaking your leg. You and your friends start a sled wars match. You link up your sleds, so you travel down the slope in a mass of plastic and humanity. On the way down, you shove and punch eachother, trying to separate man from sled. Maybe you will sweep through the knees of some idiot walking up the hill, sending that jackass tumbling back down, that would be a nice bonus. You reach the bottom, and whoever remained on his or her sled is deemed a winner. You walk back up the hill and repeat, all day.

This is one of the greatest ways one could possibly spend a day. However, when you are an adult, as I found out today, you get no snowdays. So I drove across black ice and snow, dodging skidding dump trucks, in order to show up at work. You know what makes this even worse? When your work activities depend on whether or not schools are in session. Because of the nature of my job, when the local high schools are closed, I have absofuckinglutely NOTHING to do. This day is taking forever. I'm 2 hours into work, and I'm bored as fuck. I'm seeing double and when I look at my watch, time has gone BACKWARDS. Jeebus this is going to be a long night.

I don't want to talk about it....

2008-12-07T22:35:00.002-05:00

But I just want to say one thing:

Fuck everybody in the Washington Redskins' organization. Easily the most boring team in football to watch, and a team resembles a corpse from "The Temple of Doom".

Anyways, my week is ruined. But I did find the following video extremely enjoyable.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

You Can't Fool Me, You Fucking BUM!!!

2008-12-04T23:51:00.003-05:00

Strolling the streets of DC and Baltimore every day, I get to see a vast array of people, places, and THINGS. Fat, ugly, poor, rich, hot, shemales (yea, at the neighborhood CVS), and Rockettes (currently performing here in BMore.

One thing caught me by surprise today:

DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!!!

I saw a homeless person in a wheel chair. As I reached for my 22 cents in pocket change, I gazed through the darkness and realized something:

This person was on the CELL PHONE!!!!!

DA FUCK!?

No money for you! And, if it were legal, I'd have torn your cell phone from your grubby paws and thrown it into oncoming traffic. YOU ARE DOING A COMPLETE DISSERVICE TO OTHER BUMS... You BENEDICT ARNOLD!!!!

So next time you think about throwing some spare change to a fucking hobo, look closely to make sure it's not Billy Gates looking for some change for his next haircut (from a blind person). Even HOMELESS PEOPLE are ripping us off these days.

There are some things I can't Help...

2008-12-03T21:59:00.002-05:00

And one of those is being obsessed with the TV Show, Lost. Yea I know what you're saying. "Lost? Isn't that that lame Survivor-ripoff where a bunch of shitheads get stranded on an island? Sounds awful."

That's what I initially thought too. I despised the thought of people religiously following this show. Fucking NERDS.

Then I gave it a chance when I was sunk in the doldrums of unemployment last year. I watched the first 2 episodes, wasn't that impressed, yet persevered. And I was hooked.

This show is so fucking good. And you are doing yourselves a disfavor by not watching it. You can watch every episode, streaming, on ABC.com. I feel like a Lost Drug dealer, pushing my product on unsuspecting victims. But I don't feel bad. All of you peons need to know about this.

Season 5 starts on January 21st. You all have plenty of time to catch up on the show between now and then. But be warned, you might end up watching 6 of these episodes a day. But it's worth it.

Below, I've attached the Season 1 trailer and the Season 5 trailer. It offers a great contrast between where the show was and where it is now.

The Fray is a supremely flaming band. But Lost is so good, that I can deal with their latest single.

Suck it.

What to make of Ludacris?

2008-12-02T22:12:00.005-05:00

Ludacris is a tough nut to crack. And I bet he busts a lot of nuts into female cracks.

On one hand, he went on The O Reilly Factor and bitched that Irish bastard out. Then again, so did my uncle... and my uncle isn't that awesome. He never pledged a frat... and is a priest. Unfortunate. But it's admirable nonetheless. Especially when O Reilly basically spews forth racist shenanigans any time he talks about Parappa the Rappahs.

Ludacris is also mad short. So am I. But being short isn't sweet. I cope, but that's because I drink a lot. Not too healthy for my psyche or for my body. Luda copes by banging mad chicks and making millions of dollars. Pretty dice.

'Cris makes some mad Jointz and Jamz... not unlike this one before Black Eyed Peaz turned gay.

Eff that broad Fergie. She used to be addicted to Meth... did you know that?

Most of these things would point to Ludacris being the sickness. But still, he's fucking Ludacris. There's no way to crown him as a sweet dicked dude.

So Ludacris... GS declares, on this day, that you fucking suck. You want to get into the sweet pantheon? I suggest you surround yourself with a bunch of other rappers and become the Wu Tang Clan... maybe the Shang Tsung Clan.

Ludacris, you.... got........ XERVED!!!!

(You need to click that link. It's worth it. Embedding didn't work.)

I hope everyone enjoyed that

2008-11-30T19:46:00.004-05:00

Here is a much more accurate picture of Steelers fans. You may recognize this scene, because this is what your stadium looks like after the Steelers come in and beat your team. During the last ten minutes, your fans are out in the parking lot crying while ours are inside pissing all over your seats and watching our team win. Ok, enough of the homerism.

Well maybe not. But the Steelers just fucking killed the Patriots. That's something we can all be thankful for! Seeing the Pats lose is the great uniter. You know what's even better? When some douche player you hate gets jacked up. And you know who I hate? Little white possession receivers. These guys are instantly fan favorites because of their whiteness. It's like reverse affirmative action. All the closet racist fans really feel like a white receiver is just like them, except said player is actually, you know, fit. That's why I love when something bad happens to these guys, because I imagine all their douche fans feeling their injury vicariously. Which is why this hit by Ryan Clark on Wes Welker got me totally JACKED UP!!!!

Holy shit! did you see that? Welker basically just got hit by a car on national TV. When I saw this hit I immediatly downed a can of Joose and punched a hole in the drywall. Now he did get flagged and he'll definitely get fined, but who gives a fuck. I have a theory that the Steelers' fines are being used to fund the federal bailout. And to anyone bleating about how much of a "thug" clark is, you can stick a clothes hanger up your pee hole. Ever watch old school football highlights? People like Jack Lambert and Dick Butkus did worse shit like this after the whistle, on every play. When they did it, they were just bein' tough, good ole' 'merican boys. Bring that fucking attitude back. This is football, if they can't make hits like that, what the fuck is the point in wearing pads. Man the hell up NFL. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to watch that hit while having sex with my Ben Roethlisberger Fathead.

I Play Redskins GM/Owner for a Day

2008-11-30T15:21:00.003-05:00

The Date: June 4th, 2009

The Place: My Sweet Owner Suite

The Reason: Offseason Moves (and so I, Mr. Kennedy, don't drink myself into a supremely early grave).

Hi, I'm Mr. Kennedy. Owner/GM of the Washington Redskins. I have murdered Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerrato because they are a bunch of dickbags.
I am going to turn my team, currently underachieving morons, into a legit contender. How will I do that? It's simple you plebian.

I dump Shawn Springs and his "8 Million dollars a year for 8 games played" contract. He wanted to leave 2 years ago, yet, inextricably, Danny Snyder re-signed him. Not me. Fuck that fruit. Gone. Cut. BYE.

Next, I ABANDON the Jason Campbell project. He needs to go. I have had enough of his 7 yard passes on 3rd and 9. I need a fucking winner. And Jason Campbell is not a winner. Even that fucking doofus, Eli Manning, has won shit in his life. And he came from Ole Miss. Manufacturer of RETARDS.

What now? Simple. I trade Campbell and a 2nd rounder in 2010 for Colt McCoy, Chase Daniels, or that asshole from Texas Tech. QB situation resolved.

Next, I buy Jason Taylor out of his contract. What a waste! Holy shit. While I'm at it, I cut Thrash, buy Randle El out, and trade Carlos Rogers for draft picks (I'll take a 3rd in 2009 and a 2nd in 2010).

"Wow Mr. Kennedy, that's harsh. You done yet?"

NOPE. Zorn. You. Are. Fired.

And take your shitty staff with you. Take George Blache. Take Sherman Smith. Go float, you dickbangers.

Who do I hire?

Me. I hire myself. Because I know how a football game works. I will hire some high school coach to coach my offense. And I'll hire Bronco Nagurski (is he dead?) to coach my Defense. I will just tell my players what pieces of shit they are when they lose. That will work.

Back to reality. We need a D-Lineman. I trade away all of the draft picks I acquired in my various trades... and I throw in Randle El.... and I get ALBERT HAYNESWORTH. That guy is a criminal in a football player's body. And Gibbs don't want that. Guess what? Gibbs is driving cars around an oval. FUCK GIBBS. Gibbs, I wish you were dead. We need players. And, outside of Portis, Cooley, and Santana, the "REDSKINS-type" players are fucking dog shit. I need some BALLERS in here. Not fruity tooty dancers like Jason Taylor.

Oh. Laron Landry. Geezus, you're good....... NOT. You are the most overrated safety in football. And I joke you not. I'll trade u too. Give me a 7th Rounder for you. You are non existent.

Deangelo Hall. You stay. I give you a 2 year deal for 5 million a year. You take over as the #1 CB. New CB lineup: Deangelo, some 5th rounder, and Smoot. Clearing house.

In summary. Fuck my team. The team that Snyder assembled SUCKS. No heart (outside of Portis), and no intelligence. Better start playing, you fucking fools... because EVERYONE's job is on the line.

Fuck the Redskins (until next week).

Can I take that last post back?

2008-11-30T13:28:00.001-05:00

I'm sure I can... by deleting the post. But I want people to see what a MORON I am for thinking the Skins have a chance. Fuck me and my FOOL'S hope.

NFL Sunday Preview!

2008-11-29T18:44:00.005-05:00

Well you dickeaters, it's time for my totally arbitrary and in-no-way regimented NFL Sunday Preview that doesn't preview any other game other than the one in which MY Redskins will be participating.

Booyakasha you C-3PO fruitcakes... this is what being a straight male is all about. Hail to the Redskins and the foreskins that cover their johnsons.

After watching MY Redskins stumble and bumble their way to a crappy 20-17 win against the Division 1-AA Seattle Seahawks (which followed a 2 game losing streak, which followed 3 other weeks of shitty football), I was certain that the score of this game would be something like 57-27 Giants.

But, several factors have led me to come to a vastly different conclusion regarding tomorrow's gridiron clash of the Guytons.

1) I'm not a fan like Randy Quaid from Major League II (as seen in the middle of this clip, in which Randy desires to fight the entire Cleveland Indians squad).

2) Plaxico Burress is, and always will be, a fucking idiot. He was probably out with a Hamstring injury before his nightclub incident on Friday, yet the fact that he shot himself in his leg is just the icing on the cake. Hasn't he learned anything from gunshot wounds to the leg? Which leads me to...

3) Sean Taylor. I don't buy into that shit about him being a 12th man or anything. If you don't think ST has better things to do (like riding speedboats and laying bonecrushing hits on pussy Wide Receivers in heaven) other than helping his former teammates win a football game, then you are delusional to the Nth degree.

But it's about 1 year since his death, and they're putting his # in the Ring of Fame. One week after ST died last year, the Skins choked on a big fat Ron Jeremy dick and the entire city of DC was ashamed. If you don't think this squad is looking for redemption, then you're wrong. They're bringing it.

4) Giants basically have a first round bye WRAPPED. They're going to be, at worse, a 3 seed. And realistically, they're only going to need 11 wins to clinch a 2 seed. Let's hope they show up thinking they're playing the Ravens... if they do, the Skins might win by 30.

I'll be boozing all day tomorrow, as I'm taking Monday off. Hail to the Redskins and kill yourselves if you say otherwise.

-Homer.

More Sodoku

2008-11-27T01:52:00.003-05:00

"Now what's worse? We talked about this at the party... A SCRAPbooking party, Oscar? or a Sodoku party?"

"Uhhh..."

Yea. Exactly you pussybots. There is a DEBATE between what is worse between Sodoku and SCRAP BOOKING!!!!!

Wow.

Sodoku

2008-11-27T01:30:00.004-05:00

And here we go. BUKKAKE!!!!!

Just got another doosh move:

Sodoku.

From my radio idols, Big O and Dukes:

"That game? What is the deal with Soddoku? Isn't like Cherize Theron a professional Sodoku player? Nonononono. Dudes didn't miss it. There's a Sodoku movement with broads, ok?

....There are no dudes playing Sodoku. And if there are.... we don't want to hang out with them.

(Co- host): "How does it work?"

... that's like asking "how does nailing a dude work??"

.............

Later question:

"What's gayer?

Sodoku?

Or nailing a dude?

...."Yea I agree. Soduku."

Phone caller answering if it's gay to do a Sodokuajau:

What if you're doing a Sodoku while doing a guy????

Guess it's all relative at that point.

---------------

And here it goes, for now.

Sodoku... manly, right?? Nope. Cameron Diaz is a pro. So, if you're a pro, you can go float.

Oh, Fuck you Pittsburgh!

2008-11-27T00:55:00.004-05:00

In case our billions of fans are wondering what STEAMED HAMS looks like... well there you go. Spoiler alert.

Surprise. Like the rest of Pittsburgh fans, he's a fat mother-fucking zebra slobbing bastard.

So, STEAMED HAMS. Here I am, challenging you to something special. You designed the Mike Schiavo pic. Fine. You bought yourself a 2 week period. Time to get offensive. Oh, is that a challenge from you? Well here it goes.... enjoy, HAMS!

DIE 9 TRILLION DEATHS

2008-11-27T00:40:00.003-05:00

Here's a message to the GEEDS of the world.

It's called Thanksgiving.

Acceptable: Skanksgiving, FRANKSGIVING, FATSGIVING, Crapsgiving, BoozeGiving.

NOT ACCEPTABLE:

TURKEY DAY.

Losers.

Marky's Mom wishes everyone a "Happy Turkey Day!!!!!"

Geezus. Fuck you. It is not Turkey Day. That's what dooshes call Thanksgiving.

We give thanks for beer.

We give thanks for money.

For football.

For Schiavo.

For the Globetrotters.

For 5 fucking days off!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's what we give thanks for.

It is NOT Turkey Day, you fucking geed dooshes.

God you make me sick.
----------------------

Period.

Now. As our website has gotten over a million hits, I feel it necessary to plug something.

Your mom. Which I've done 3 times a week for the past 5 years.

Go-to Bums

2008-11-20T21:04:00.003-05:00

As I strolled by another POOR on the streets today, I wondered why I didn't reach into my pocket to help his sorry ass out. After all, what's 1 dime to a HIGH ROLLIN' CELEBRITY such as myself?? It's less than a drop in the bucket. It's an H2O molecule.

Does this make me a bad person? Nay. It does not. There are millions of other factors that make me a bad person. This is not one of them. I realized the real reason I didn't donate to this sad sack of nothing:

He wasn't my "Go-to Bum".

You see, much as an old pair of sweat pants, a sick pair of SpongeBob socks, or a sweet Chicago Bulls Starter Jacket can serve as a source of comfort in times of crisis, panic, or stress, seeing a "Go-to Bum" seems to make all of the wrongs in the world right.

My Go-To Bum, hereto after "GTB", happens to be a yelling maniac type fellow. Every time I see him, he's got bags of stuff in both arms. Could be food, could be money, could be body parts. Bottom line, it doesn't matter. I'm scared of him. I see him, ALL THE TIME, yelling at some poor young lady who has neglected to donate to his McDonald's fund. I don't want to end up like that, so every other week, usually on a Tuesday, I will throw 2 nickels and a penny into his little styrofoam cup, to which he always utters a very congenial word of thanks.

Mission Accomplished, and he doesn't even know that I also included a little chunk of lint. I figure, I do this enough times, I can trick God into thinking I'm a good Samaritan. I mean, it's not like God has X-Ray eyes. He's not fucking Superman. Oh wait, Superman had laser beam eyes. Doesn't matter.

The bottom line is, every time I donate 11 crusty cents, not only am I appeasing my GTB, but I am also knocking a few weeks off of my sentence in purgatory. And that's, as that dumb chick from Mean Girls would say, "so fetch".

Probably wouldn't donate to this crazy asshole. My GTB is far more respectable.

Pissed-Off Rant Wednesday

2008-11-19T09:49:00.003-05:00

Well, I know that I've been straying in a different direction lately, as the daily dose of angry rants has quietly subsided. This is due to the fact that I haven't had a whole hell of a lot to rant about. Some would argue that this is healthy for my well-being. I contend that it is not. You see, I feel like a shell of myself when I'm not venting, spreading my frustration to the numerous masses. Swearing, yelling, and flipping the world off are all great ways for me to exude my bitterness. The fact that I've been, for the most part, content with how things are going... well that just tells me something has been amiss.

But all that has changed this week. It all changed on Sunday Night. And I was so angry because of events from Sunday Night that I HAD to let my rage subside for 2 days, lest this site get banned for being tooooo explicit. And that's saying something, BRO.

You see, I made the UNFORGIVABLE mistake of going to the Redskins-Cowboys shitfest on SNF. What could be better than seeing my favorite team take on its most hated rival on a National stage? How about Stomach Cancer? Yes. Stomach Cancer would have been better.

And another thing that would have been better: being tortured by one of Jigsaw's maniacal contraptions from the Saw series. This rant will be in a series of personal letters to Redskins personnel, as well as a few surprises. Commence rant NOW:

Dear Antwaan Randle El,

You might as well be a Somalian pirate, because you are thieving from the Redskins like few players have ever done. You are the WORST punt returner in the NFL. But that's old ass news. You've never been a great receiver, but you'd at least give us some fucking effort. Not anymore, ass. Get the fuck off the field you stupid midget. I'd rather have a bag of fucking sand rolling around out there.

Dear Shawn Springs,

Seriously dude, die. Whereas Randle El is lazy and incompetent, you are the biggest PUSSY in the NFL, and that's far far worse. You have missed the past 5 games with a strained calf. Cmon you bitch. Listen, a torn calf, whatever. I can accept that. A pulled hammy, ok. Fine. A strained calf is a 1, maybe 2 week injury. If you just rest that shit, you should recover. I've strained calves numerous times. Times when I've been involved in varsity athletics. But you're a fucking athlete. And YOU are getting paid to play the fucking game. Grab your balls and get on the field.

At this point, I'd like to move on to ripping non-players. But before I do, I'd like to offer a humongous "fuck off" to the following players: Jason "The Dancing Queen" Taylor, The Entire Redskins Offensive Line, and the Redskins Rookie Wide Receivers, who exude zero passion whatsoever.

Now that that's out of the way, it's on to the true focus of my ire. The following two parties make my blood absolutely BOIL over with the fury of a millllllion Bunson-burner flames.

Dear Dan Snyder,

You effing h3eb. Your greedy ass has sapped nearly all of my passion for that franchise. I'll leave aside the fact that you've employed a totally incompetent derelect to run your team (Vinny Cerrato). I'll leave aside the fact that you refuse to draft O-linemen or D-linemen. Instead, I will focus on that HIGHWAY ROBBERY of a fucking live experience that you run. The field, though it wasn't built by you, has been made into what I'm sure is the WORST NFL EXPERIENCE EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR>:(>:(>:(. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

The stadium seats 90 thousand people. Sweet right? Gets loud, right? Yea, it does get loud, but only when all 90 thousand people start screaming their colons off 25 seconds before each play commences. And then, it gets quiet in literally .25 seconds. That's why NOBODY has a 90 thousand person outdoor stadium! You want 90 thousand people in your rip off of a playing field? THROW A FUCKING ROOF ON IT!

Whatever, but if there's 90 thousand people coming to all of your sold-out games, then there must be plenty of reasonable parking near the stadium, right?

FUCK NOOO!!! Nononononononono. I literally just paid $40 to park 3 MILES AWAY FROM THE STADIUM... in a CORPORATE BUILDING'S PARKING LOT.... not even a FEDEX parking lot. But there's gotta be a convenient shuttle service to and from the stadium, yea?

HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA now that's funny. The shuttle took 45 minutes to get to the stadium! And the line to get on the shuttle was about 8 zillion people long. SO I WALKED. Fuck you, I chose to walk 3 miles.

And when I asked stadium personnel where my road was, a simple fact that they SHOULD know, were they helpful? What do you think, Dan Snyderbergensteinenheim? Typical response, "Sorry man, I just work here."

GAHHHHHHHHHH!

So it took me 3 hours to get from the stadium to my apartment. A 45 minute drive MAX was given 2+ hours more body just because of the CRIMINALITY that is occurring at every FedEx home game.

In other news, if any of our billions of fans want tickets to the remaining FedEx games, just comment below. I'll be in touch.

And finally,

Dear Redskins "FANS",

You make me sick. 2 Weeks ago, you allowed stupid Steelers fans like Steamed Hams to overrun crappy FedEx (well on second thought, maybe the joke was on them... NAH, you're all too stupid to think that far ahead, you dunderheaded morons).

On Monday, you were pretty stellar for 3 quarters. AND THEN, the 4th Quarter...

which is the time to rest, right? Rest up your voice for work on Monday?

YES!!!!

JUST KIDDIN'! But I bet you FELL for it, SHITHEADS! Because not only did you go pretty much silent as the Cowboys jammed the ball down the team's throats, but you LEFT IN DROVES with 4+ minutes to play... with the team down by only 4 POINTS!!!!!!!!!

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen, I can go on for 10 minutes as to why this is unfuckingacceptable, but somehow I doubt you fair-weather FAIRIES would learn anything. Just know that you are an abomination and should be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm going to vomit on my desk (and no, I didn't drink 28 beers last night).

Mr. Kennedy

And no, you all don't even get a funny photo today. You haven't earned that shit.

GS Pollitikul Korner: The Official GS Presidential Endorsement!!!

2008-11-12T16:57:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen. The 2008 Presidential Election has redefined history, redefined our sense of country, and forced a reassessment of the tenets of our fine country. Congratulations to both Senator McCain and Senator Obama. They both ran historic campaigns that did more for women and black Americans than perhaps any political endeavor in our storied history.

Now, the millions of you out there reading this blog (994,000+, actually) are left assuming that this week-late Political Endorsement will go for either Barack or for John. Well, two things. 1) The election is not over, not by a Santonio Holmes’s penis-sized long shot. There are hundreds of millions of absentee ballots waiting to be counted. In addition, we at GS have unearthed startling voting discrepancies throughout the country. We feel that exposing these discrepancies, in addition to counting those absentee ballots, will produce a conclusion far different from the one reached by the mindless simpletons that make up the American media. And 2) Our endorsement will SHOCK you.

(Only watch the first 2 minutes or so, the rest is worthless).

Now, all of you wrestling nerds out there can put your 4 inch boners away. We’re not endorsing the fucking Shockmaster. This is serious business. And the country can’t be lead by that fat slob.

No, folks. We are endorsing someone who has the fortitude and the courage to do what this country needs: the right thing!

We are endorsing a MAN’s MAN. A man whose wife will SHUT UP and listen when he asks her to.

We are endorsing a man with the strength to make the TOUGH decisions, even knowing the consequences of his actions.

A MAN who will sacrifice whatever it takes. A man who can face the criticism. A man who doesn’t FUCK around!

A MAN who won’t shy away from tearing the FEEDING TUBE out of the braindead body of America’s SLUMS.

Ladies and Gentlemen. We here at GS are proud to announce our OFFICIAL ENDORSEMENT in the 2008 Presidential Election:

Michael Schiavo!!!

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen. While McCain and Obama helped advanced women’s and minorities’ interests, we are left to ponder, “WHO WILL STAND UP FOR THE MIDDLE AGED WHITE MALE FROM THE SUBURBS WHO IS FED UP WITH HIS WIFE AND SHITTY JOB?!?!”

The answer is Michael Schiavo. If you doubt the credentials of Michael, or if you doubt his ability to be President, I ask you to ponder one thing:

“He pulled the plug on his wife because he didn’t feel like dealing with the strain anymore, and yet, here she is supporting him as he makes his future State of the Union address. If she can support him, can’t we all support him?”

Yes we can.

It's Weekly Character Wednesday!!!!!

2008-11-12T09:33:00.007-05:00

Hey Dickheads,

As I stood naked in my shower this AM (had to clarify that I wasn't wearing a business suit), I pondered several important issues. There was one issue in my life that stood head and shoulders above the other issues.

Was it the plummeting economy? Nay, not on this gloriously annoying day.

Was I pondering ways to be effective at work today? No, definitely not. Never, in fact.

Was I thinking of Barack Obama's TENTATIVE election as President of the USA? No... especially since he didn't actually win (GS Endorsement of the real winner soon-to-follow).

Was I counting the # of times I would be seeing Madagascar 2: Back to Africa?? Well, yes. (2 times in theatres, twice on DVD, and 6 times when it comes to On Demand)

However, Madagascar was basically an afterthought as I dreamt up our latest and greatest character. He will surely be a solid addition to our already impeccable stable of heroes. So, Hochuli the Giant and Jack Frost, step aside. Make room for our shiny new toy:

Stromboli Thurmond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stromboli Thurmond:

Greetings, Blog universe. I am Stromboli Thurmond. I am a clever invention, as my creator combined my actual name, "Strom", with a tasty italian treat, "Boli". You can read all about my crappier version here. As you will no doubt learn, 50% of me is racist and bigoted. Not comical at all. However, as you will see here, my other 50% is delicious. The combination is comical, as in future episodes of the Stromboli saga, I will have an inward battle between my intolerance of minorities and my desire to provide culinary delights.

So for now, I will leave you with this: the USA should resegregate schools while providing delicious Italian cuisine to all (including the poors).

Have a crotchedy day.

Steamed Hams is STEAMING mad

2008-11-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

Well, what a rollercoaster week-and-a-half it has been. Last Monday Mr. Kennedy and I attended the 'Skins-Steelers game, which will go down as an epic experience. Like a bitch I was feeling ill for the first hour or so of our tailgate, and I thought I was going to ruin the entire weekend. But, incredibly, I started feeling well! This was a clutch move by my body, because it allowed me to get drunk. As(s) soon as we got into the stadium, every other word out of our mouths was either fuck or a derivative of it. We insulted everyone in our vicinity, and generally made it a very family-unfriendly experience. By the end of the first quarter, any family dumb enough to bring their children to a football game were gone.

At halftime, Mr. Kennedy pulled one of the most epic moves in the history of alcohol and left the stadium. Not becuase he was disgusted by the Skins (which he probably was) but because he thought the game was over. This will definitely be one of the most legendary events of his and my life.

Without the support of their biggest fan, the Skins were hopeless in the second half. More and more of their fans joined Mr. Kennedy in the parking lot, leaving FedEx field a sea of black and gold. The highlight would have to be when I converted the retarded kid a couple rows back into a terrible towel-waving Steely McBeam acolyte.

On the drive home the next day, I successfuly convinced my boss that I was sick, assuring that I had Tuesday off. That night we put in a president who can dunk and I was extremely content.

Then we got to this weekend.

First, my beloved Nittany Lions shit the bed and lost to Iowa, ruining all national title hopes and just generally embarrassing the state of Pennsylvania. I was crushed, but Sunday provided an opportunity for me to bounce back, as the Steelers were 6-2 and running shit. The Colts have looked like garbage and a good thrashing of Peyton and murderin' Marvin Harrison would lift my spirits. Instead, the legally retarded Ben Roethlisberger did his best Kordell Stewart impression and threw awful interceptions at the worst possible times. It was just like the Giants game, thrown away in the last quarter after dominating the previous three.

I'm not going to abandon either team yet, as PSU should still win the Big Ten and go to the Rose Bowl, and the Steelers proved in 05/06 that they only need to make the playoffs to make a run at the Super Bowl. But I'm still mad pissed off, and I'm not ready to resort to rooting for the Penguins or Celtics this early in the season. At least our endorsed presidential candidate (stay tuned) still has a chance, as he will likely carry all of the yet-to-be counted military votes!

"Pack it Up, Pack it In.....

2008-11-10T14:31:00.002-05:00

.....Try to battle Roy Jones Jr, it's a guaranteed WIN!"

Dear Roy Jones Jr.,

And when I say Junior, I mean that in the most disrespectful manner possible. On Saturday night, I made the mistake of buying into your stupid hype and purchasing the 50 dollar pay-per-view with the hopes that you had enough gas in your old ass tank to deliver a patriotic ass beating of British Joe Calzaghe.

It started off promisingly. You knocked him down with a lucky hook in the first round. But apparently you forgot that Broadway Joe Calzaghe dominated the round outside of that ridiculous punch. So what do you do? Do you focus your attention on knocking him out, putting one of the top 3 fighters in the world down for the count??

Fuck no. You started lowering your hands, refusing to throw punches, smirking at the crowd as Calzaghe fucked your liver up, and looked like a pile of shit for the next three rounds. By that point, it was over.

And I came to a realization, as I witnessed your old ass continue to get pummeled in the latter rounds, Calzaghe sticking his face in between your gloves, mocking you for the loser of a person you are. I realized that you're just a rapper who was gifted with Athletic ability. You are one big steaming pile of fluff. You were good for a few years, when you were beating up on white jobbers and backstreet bums. But then, you start fighting real fighters, and you get absolutely dicked. You lost 11 out of 12 rounds HANDILY. It would have been 12 without that lucky punch.

NOBODY LOSES A FIGHT 11 ROUNDS to 1. NOBODY LOSES A FIGHT 12 to 0. Except for you, you piece of dogshit.

I want my 50 dollars back. I want it hand delivered by you. Then, I want a signed contract that you will never attempt to rob me again.

Fuck you.

-Mr. Kennedy.

Who's the Gayest LJ of them All?

2008-11-06T13:17:00.003-05:00

Let's be honest here. I don't have an idea for this post. I just thought of the Hornets' LJ and his stupid Grandma-ma outfit from the 90s and then, when finding a photo of Chiefs RB/Scumbag LJ, came across a photo of a teammate giving him the rare "Leaning Tower of Penis". Then, instead of posting comparative photos of the two, I used it as the perfect opportunity to use some crude MS Paint skills (Hams is the resident Photoshopper, I'm the bootlegged version-- sort of like how Al Sharpton is the bootlegged version of Jesse Jackson).

Clearly Grandma-ma is shocked and appalled at fellow LJ's receiving of a public BJ. A ZJ, now that might be a different story. But LJ doesn't know what a ZJ is, so he can't afford it. Now, if only we can get DJ Tanner up in this bitch to offer up a Lou Bega RJ (rimjob).

How's that for some nasty name drops??

Frat Frat Frat Frat

2008-11-05T11:41:00.002-05:00

"Well I won, folks. And I'm enjoying a cold bottle of High Life, because I earned it. However, here's a shocker! I never actually endorsed myself. I endorsed Geeds Stink's favorite candidate, who will be revealed later today. Stay tuned for that, it's a real ballbouncer!"

NFL Ga(y)meday Preview

2008-11-02T12:39:00.002-05:00

Hey dummies. I just reread Hams's last post, and I realized the kind of pressure he applied to me making a preview post. I did wake up before noon (thank you, Gaylight Gayvings), so therefore I am contractually obligated to offer up an inane and completely irrelevant Gameday preview. So, as Hams rides down from Canada in his Horse-drawn wagon, I offer up my LOCKS of the we(a)k. I'm sweet.

#1) The Buggles had the first video ever played on MTV. The Bangles are bitter that they're not The Buggles (common mistake). And the Bengals field a Divison 1-AA squad. Here's the thing. Only one of these behemoths will come out with a victory today. Yes idiots, I'm picking The Beatles to resurrect John Lennon, who will carry his squad to victory over the Jack(off)sonville Jaguars.

#2) Brad "Huge" Johnson is old as dirt. But he's not Jeff "Boy" George. Therefore, I see a (Hams coined) "cum"petitive matchup occurring between the Cowboy-touchers of Dallas and the Jew York Giants. I predict a 31-28 win for the G-spot Men, but don't be surprised if the Cowboys make like Andy Dick and swing it the other way.

-Karma "Cum"eleon

#3) Tits almost ga(y)metime, so this is the final predic(k)tion. I will go out on a severed limb and predict another upset. And the only reason I'm doing this is because there's an 80s theme to this post, and "A Flock of Seagulls" was the first 80s band I thought of when considering this info-less fore(skin)cast. The Seagulls of Philadelphia take on the Seacocks of Seattle today. I like the idiotic jabronis from "Depressing, USA" to take advantage of Philadelphia's "cock"iness surrounding the World Series of "Who Gives a Shit". Look for the boneheads from Washington state to win an ugly affair, 17-13. That, or 170-130.

See you later today for the official GS endorsement of some culturally irrelevant and utterly obscure human being for President of the United State (because we bring the hard hitting journalism around here).

Super Bowl week preview # something

2008-11-02T01:30:00.000-04:00

Alright everyone, we all know that the Super Bowl is just days away. How many days, I'm not sure, because I'm too lazy to count, and I think daylight savings screws things up somehow. But rest ASSured Monday Night Football will blow you away with more force than a Tera Patrick squirt. Now tomorrow I will embark on a journey to Baltimore where Kennedy and I will engage in activities such as drunken scummy movie watching, drunken lazy duel-blogging, drunken videogaming, drunken chastising of under-performing fantasy players, drunken sexual harASSment and/or misogyny, drunken drunkenness and finally drunken attendance of the Super Bowl. Now, for the record, let's check the electoral map to see where the two team's stand in the eyes of our sporting nation
Wow! That is close. It looks like the Redskins are carrying a lot of states, but mostly those known for encouraging incest and necrophelia, and any combination of the two, while the Steelers are favored in states where you are most likely to have an education and make a lots ca$h. But it will undoubtedly come down to the wire, as it looks like the swing states are split pretty evenly, with the Steelers having the edge in Ohio, New Mexico and Nevada, and the Skins leading in Missouri, Virginia and Florida. It is our job to make sure that you are educated thoroughly on the two candidates, and hopefully our mudslinging has provided you with adequate information on our teams' policies and stances towards such issues as fat chicks and child rape. Now, go make an informed decision. USA! USA!

Also, I just decided that this weekend Mr. Kennedy and I will be co-authoring a post where we issue our endorsement for President of the United States. Now, you may be thinking that we are just going to choose from the two mainstream candidates, but you are wrong. We here at GS believe in opportunity for all, so without even consulting with the editor, I'm going to say that we will be endorsing a WRITE-IN candidate for Tuesday's election. So sit closely by your "cum"puter tomorrow and hit refresh every five seconds until a new post pops up. I'm sure if Mr. K is up and coherent before 1 0'clock he will give you an NFL preview or something to keep you entertained. If not, just watch this badass WWF Attitude era matchup between X-Pac/Kane and the Brood.

VICTORY!

2008-11-01T23:54:00.003-04:00

Congrats to Steamed Hams and the PSU Nittany Lions. Texas Tech just took care of the #1 squad in the nation... if this were a sensible world, PSU would be #2 in the BCS tomorrow. Let us all hope that this is the last bit of joy that Hams enjoys for the next 3 days. See below for a bunch of disgusting female PSU fans. Joe Pa had a vasectomy, so even tho he blew a fat PSU nut inside of these slobettes, they didn't get pregnant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o

-That's a Joe Pa sperm cell.

Manlantic City

2008-11-01T20:17:00.007-04:00

Hey bitchez. I made a little jaunt up to Atlantic City last night and realized that there are very few things as manly or as sweet as absolutely running shit in a Casino. Let me break it down for you: free drinks, hot chicks (depending on the casino), money being thrown around like Pacman Jones was scoping some vajayjay at Scores, and did I mention free booze?? I did? Good. Free booze is key.

Here's how my night went. My boys and I set up shop at a Craps table at Bally's (where my friend had scored a free room comp for being a frequenter of the Casino-- comps are clutch). Some fucking derelict Hispanic pro gambler (or at least thought he was a pro) threw off our shwag and set himself up in between our group, fucking up all of the karma. Within about 60 minutes, we were all down (I had lost 150 at this point). Instead of being stupid idiots and staying at the crappy table filled with senior citizens and dooshbags wearing suit jackets over their t-shirts, we made a truly exXxecutive decision to head to the Borgata.

Here's what the scene at Borgata is like (keep in mind that Bally's is filled with old people, pathetic life gamblers, and many many poor people trying to hit it big):

Borgota is like the Colt Brennan of Casinos. But not current Colt Brennan, a 3rd string QB. I mean Colt Brennan when he was slinging jizz rockets all over the field at Hawaii. Borgata is young, brash, cocky, and straight dickin'.

At Borgata, they're blasting BEATS. Techno, Rap, high energy shit. Bally's has Ace of Base and Matchbox 20. Ugh. When I'm slanging 50s around, I want to feel my balls vibrating and my brain tingling. I don't want to feel like I'm in Lakewood Hills' fucking Retirement Community.

At Borgata, the cocktail waitresses are fantastic. It was Halloween, so you know the COCKtail waitresses were dressed as total Slores. It was great. Ours was some Jersey trash dressed as Chase Slutley (the nickname I have her for wearing a sexxxy Phillies costume). She looked good, chewed gum obnoxiously, and had my testosterone pumping (you know, because the virility of my johnson was demanding it). At Bally's, the waitresses are crunchy middle-aged skanks who look like they've been aged in a leather shop for the past 15 years.

At Bally's, the drink service was poor at best, and fucking disgraceful at worst. Ask for a whiskey and coke, and they might give you a Diet Pepsi and Captain Morgan. Honestly, fuck that shit. I want the real thing. Drinks also took 25 minutes to get, preventing me from working on my buzz (I might have graduated college, but my tolerance is still way higher than it should be). Instead of worrying about packing my jockstrap with C Notes, I was worrying about receiving a Zima instead of my Gin and Tonic order. Shit.

Anyways, we get to Borgata, and things just get rocking. I've shunned the mixed drinks, and just start sucking down Whiskey on the Rocks. You would think a steady diet of a straight whiskey drink every 15 minutes for 8 hours would get me really fucked up. But you're wrong. Wrong like making a Bernie Mac death joke. They pump straight oxygen into these places so that you'll remain energized. Combine that with the absolute RUSH you get from throwing humongous stacks of bonedawgs on the felt (gambling surface), and your mind stays much sharper than it normally would.

The most big tyme game to play in a casino is 100% Craps. It's not that close.

Look, as a rule, I hate most people. In general, I want to see others fail. But in a Casino, it is awful karma to wish bad on others. That's why a game like Craps (a game that doles out glory or dismay to an entire table) is perfect for forming a great camaraderie. When others are winning, you're likely winning. When one person gets on a roll, everyone gets on a roll. There are very few things better than seeing the casino send down their "chiller" to cool off a hot table. That means they're getting worried. Wah, casinos. That industry, filled with crooks, makes more than the movie, music, and porn industries COMBINED each year. It's a good thing to take money off these dickbags.

But I digress, which is something I am apt to do with high frequency. This, as it were, is allowable whenever I am running shit, as I have been doing for the past 3 months. Back to the point. In a casino, when you're rocking your liver with straight whiskey, slapping high 5s with the old dude who thinks he's Johnny Cash, and collecting those 25 dollar chips like they were Micro Macines, time FLIES because life is GREAT. This is what happened to me last night.

We went on a humongous run because some dude (whom, I believe, had never played Craps before) went on a monumental roll. He went about 45 minutes without losing any money. And I probably ended his roll up 450 dollars, at least. His fat girlfriend went on a shorter, but just as profitable roll, right after him. I won about 200 right there.

When it was time to cash out, the table manager doled out two 500 dollar chips, plus some 25 dollar chips. I had made about a grand. It was 6:30 in the morning.

Let me emphasize something. At 6:30 in the morning, while the dregs of society have whittled away their last crunchy 5 dollar bill in the casino, while the prostitutes are headed home to their shitty life and vapid-headed child (and the smell of semen permeating their aura), there is a great sense of self satisfaction when you've got a fat stack of greenbacks in your pocket. My shit-eating grin was in full force as me and my other war buddy dined in the casino's BREAKFAST bistro (the sliders were immaculate, if you care to know (which you don't)).

I'm sure I'll touch upon this subject again (like Redskins fans like touching children), because I have a daytime nocturnal emission every time I think of winning a substantial amount of dinero, but for now, rest assured...

Having this happen to you will keep beer in your fridge, condoms in your pocket, and porn on your computer, while this:

is just fodder for having snarky assholes like me make fun of you. Loser.

-Back to Super Bowl Previews

Super Bowl Preview Cuntinues (oohhh)

2008-10-31T09:39:00.003-04:00

Hams made an outstanding argument yesterday. One could argue that Matt McCg is the Caucasian equivalent of Snoop Dogg, making that one a bit of a wash. However, Hank Williams II has a substantial advantage (in the pants) over Gacy. So I concede a point to the Steelers on that one. Today, I offer a rebuttal.

In the category of Cheerleaders, it isn't even a fair fight. The Steelers, as it were, don't even have official cheerleaders. The Redskins, on the other hand, have one of the most sexually appealing squads in the NFL.

Do I automatically award a point to the Redskins for this? No sir, I do not. For you see, that is a weak argument and a pussy ass cop out. In addition, it would render moot the need for comparative photographz, and that's no fun. As Hams said, the point here is to make my team look as good as possible while degrading the redeeming qualities of his squad. Thus, I will take one photograph that accentuates my Cheerleaders' ASSets while offering up a comically disgusting photo of a Steelers fan's ASSets. Enjoy!

SUPER BOWL WEEK PREVIEW #4

2008-10-30T00:22:00.007-04:00

Alright bitches, it's about time for a response. Why haven't a I replied yet? Well, just like our next president John McCain, I prefer to dig myself into a giant hole then try to climb my way out at the last minute, leaving my opponent with very little time to retort. Hey, its working for him right?

Anyway, today we will explore which team has greater celebrity fans. In honor of the election season, I will choose which celebrities based on how they make my argument stronger. The argument being that the Steelers appeal to only the best and brightest of our society, meaning that if you like another team you aren't among of the best and brightest. That's how it works, it's logic.

Now, let us proceed.
Notable Skins fan #1

Matthew McConaughey (source)

Just look at that guy. First of all, he's been in zero good movies. Second of all, who the hell runs like that? Swing your arms you jackass. He is clearly one of those people who runs one mile while listening to an ipod and wearing a complete Under Armor ensemble to get a "workout." These people then proceed to tell you about how they are training for a marathon, and expect you to be so impressed, as if no one has ever completed one before. Have you ever seen a marathon on TV? Theres like 80,000 people in each one. Completing a marathon in eight hours is not an accomplishment dick. Now, McConaughey is pretty ripped, I'll give him that, so he's clearly just running on the beach in board shorts to show off to chicks that he could get by simply telling them his name and offering them lot's of money. Therefore, his running is a waste of time, and real football fans don't waste their time courting women, they just force themselves upon their chosen mate like a caveman.

Notable Steelers fan #1

Snoop Dogg. Source: this picture

Clearly the edge is going to the Steelers in the first matchup. Snoop Dogg has probably had sex with ten times as many women as McConaughey. In fact, he made a porno where he basically just watches people bone while adding advice and commentary like, "yea, work that pussy girl". Good luck competing with that resume. Now, McConaughey is from Austin, TX so he probably smokes a lot of weed, which adds some legitimacy, but there is no way he could compete with one of the most prolific stoners of our time.

Notable Skins fan #2

Serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Source: Common knowledge

The Skins count millions of murderers and child molesters among their biggest fans. It is rumored that young children are bound in shackles in the basement of FedEx field and fans can pay a small fee to have their way with them between quarters. It's really not surprising when you consider who makes up their fanbase: Republican Congressmen and people from Virginia, West Virginia, Baltimore and Southern Pennsylvania.

Notable Steelers fan #2

Hank Williams Jr.

Hank Williams Jr. embodies everything that is right in America. He is fat and ugly, but still gets a lot of play. He likes to get drunk and hang out with all his rowdy friends. Women love when he eats them out and tickles them with his big hairy face. He has very little skill, but he exploits the shit out of what he has, to the tune of millions of dollars. He also sings the Monday Night Football song and this clearly means that Pittsburgh will have a tremendous advantage on MNF Nov. 3rd.

SUPER BOWL PREVIEW CONTINUED

2008-10-29T11:52:00.001-04:00

There hasn't been much shit talk. Expect that to change in the coming days. I'll lay the gauntlet down starting now. Let's see Hams deal with the "Hail to the Redskins Remix". He better get used to this tune, because he's going to hear it about 50 times on Sunday.

SUPER BOWL WEEK PREVIEW #2: Battle of the Cuisines!

2008-10-29T11:44:00.004-04:00

Well, since Hams doesn't seem to want to stick up for his squad this week (probably licking his wounds from the Steelers-Giants debacle), I will play devil's advocate.

In this post, we compare the signature food of Pittsburgh with the signature food of DC.

The beast on the left is a Primanti Brothers sandwich. They stack this coronary-killer with oil based slaw, fries, tons of meat... and each sandwich, I believe, packs an average of 1,000 calories. But they're 1000 calories of pure fucking deliciousness. It helps that I am personal friends with one of the majority owners of the Primanti's brand.

On the left, we have a tandem of Bud Light and Maryland Blue crabs. A formidable duo. However, did you notice the name of the crabs? MARYLAND blue crabs. Not DC blue crabs. DC doesn't even have its own signature food. EPIC FAIL.

So the advantage goes to Primanti's and Pittsburgh on this one. That brings our score to 1-1. This matchup is shaping up to be a dandy.

Super Bowl Week!!

2008-10-27T15:01:00.006-04:00

Yes, all you assholes. The week we've all been waiting for has arrived. It's SUPER BOWL WEEK! The most wonderful time of the year!

Now you're wondering, "Am I lost somewhere in the seemingly endless GS Archives?" Well no, idiot. A) Our archives are very limited and B) We've certainly never done a Super Bowl preview.

So now you're thinking, "But isn't it October? We're not even in the playoffs yet. How in hell can the Super Bowl be taking place this upcoming weekend?" Well shut up for a second, dick. I'll tell you what's going on.

Next Monday Night, the 6-2 Steelers of Pittsburgh take on the 6-2 Redskins of Washington, DC. This is undoubtedly the real Super Bowl of the season, as the winner will have the huge advantage when these two titans clash in late January/early February (whatever). Hams is headed down this way. He'll likely get lynched and thrown off the top of the stadium, but he'll still enjoy himself... unless the Skins win by 70 (which they won't).

To kick off our preview this week, we compare the Hogettes of the Redskins with the Bone Smuggl-- I mean Steely McBeam of Pittsburgh.

'Taint worth going into this debate point by point. It's pretty much cut and dry. Sure the Hogettes are cross dressers. But outside of the stadium, they are fat, smelly slobs who like to pork their equally fat and smelly wives. Steely McBeam, as it were, likes to bang Village People 7 days a week. And when it comes to football and football mascots... porking fat chicks takes the win over a mascot who sodomizes little children beneath the Heinz Field bleachers.

-Yuck

Time to sack up

2008-10-26T12:43:00.003-04:00

You already know that this blog demands its readers and contributors to be as manly as possible. That's why is pisses me off when people bitch about Hines Ward being dirty. It especially infuriates me when professional football players cry about it. Most of the time, this whining comes from the Baltimore Ravens, which, I'm sure we can all agree, is the shittiest organization in professional sports. Look fools, who are the biggest douches in the NFL? Defensive players. Yea, TO and Chad are annoying sometimes, but they are nothing compared to some defensive backs. Receivers at least have to worry about getting jacked up any time they make a catch. How many times a game does a receiver drop a pass and the corner back guarding him goes buckwild celebrating like he did something? If they ever do make a big hit, its usually because the receiver is 40 inches off the ground, stretched to make a catch. These guys make a living hitting people when they are most vulnerable, without ever getting hit themselves.

That's why we need more Hines Wards, he's like a super hero for any receiver whose ever been hit with a legitimate cheap shot. Think of how the game would change if more players blocked like him. Scoring would skyrocket because most defenders would be too scared to pursue the ballcarrier. Look at how preoccupied the Ravens are with laying out Ward. Right now they are talking about the "bounty". Last year Bart Scott said he was going to "kill" him. According to Hines, this isn't anything new.

"I've been having a bounty on me there since Rod Woodson was there [in Baltimore]. I put the same kind of hit on Rod Woodson and all I heard was 'Oh we're going to get you back next game.'"

So football fans, if you get tired of seeing some free safety do the worm because he made a tackle after a 25 yard gain, come to GS and enjoy some of Hines Ward's finest moments.

Scary

2008-10-22T16:26:00.005-04:00

GS ExXxperimentz #2: Geedy NFL PixXx

2008-10-22T09:43:00.002-04:00

Last week, depending on who you ask, my picks yielded a pretty low percentage. But that's because I let other factors influence the picks (thinking with my heart instead of my head). This week, we go with pure Geedy pixXx and no more of that other BS on GS.

Tampa Bay at Dallas
I hate Dallas. But Jeff Garcia is... um... you know.
Pick: Dallas

Washington at Detroit
1 Word: Orlavsky
Pick: Redskins

Buffalo at Miami
Who even plays for these teams? Pennington, Edwards? Ugh.
Pick: Buffalo Hunters.

St. Louis at New England
Eff St. Louis.
Pick: Pats

San Diego at New Orleans
Two more 9-7 teams. Should be a decent game.
Pick: Chargers

Kansas City at NY Jets
Shittiest game of the week.
Pick: Jets

Atlanta at Philadelphia
Wow. The schedule makers are apes.
Pick: Eagles

Oakland at Baltimore
Oakland @ Baltimore in a battle of shit hole cities.
Pick: Upset special... da RAIDAHS.

Arizona at Carolina
Kurt Warner is one of the biggest Geeds on earth. So is Delhomme. Gotta pick one. I go with the home squad.
Pick: Carolina

Cleveland at Jacksonville
I watched the Browns live. They're awful.
Pick: Jags

Cincinnati at Houston
C'mon.
Pick: TeXxXans

NY Giants at Pittsburgh
Game of the Week. I don't feel like looking up Willie Parker's injury. If he plays, they win. If he doesn't, they lose. So it's a conditional pick.

Seattle at San Francisco
The REAL shittiest game of the week.
Pick: Niners.

We the Biggest, Baddest Beetleborgz, snitchezzzzzzzz

2008-10-21T10:54:00.004-04:00

"Beetleborgz up in this piece! Call me "Bloo Ballz" Beetleborg. No, not because I get blue balls a lot. I'm called "Bloo Ballz" because that's what you get from me if I here any snitching up in this piece!

You've heard of those other gangs, Bs and Cs. Wu Tang clans, whatever. We're the most legit gang this side of the galaxXxy. Power Rangers?? PSSSSSH. Give me a break. Them dudes is just like Jeff Garcia (you know what I mean).

Know what I like to do sometimes? Put on my beetlesuit without putting clothes on underneath. Karate kicking jabroniz with my junk flopping around?? Invigorating. Yea, and if I ever come across that Kimberly chick from Power Rangers? I just remove my beetle legs, and I'm ready to get bizzzzzzay!

Dude to my right is "Crabby". Named both for the color of his suits and the nature of his own junk. (He's got crabs). Because of this, he's grumpy as shit. Thus, crabby. He's probably the grossest of the three of us, because he never takes his suit off. It's disgusting. All sweaty and gross and shit. Swamp ass, ugh.

But whatever, Crabby is Crabby. Anybody could be inside the suit, but we'd never know. I've narrowed it down to Ted Williams Jr. or Howard K. Stern (of Anna Nicole Smith fame). Don't mess with Crabby, because he's twisted as shit. For all we know, he might actually BE a crab-person.

Main man to my left is "Dungmonkey". Remember what I said about "Crabby" being the grossest? I lied. Dungmonkey, as his name suggests, likes dung. He's part dungbeetle, so he was sort of given the green suit by default (who the eff wants a Big Brown Beetleborg???)

He smells like shit. Doesn't shower. Just wallows in his filth.

So you're wondering, "Bloo Ballz", why hang out with these bags of dirt? Simple. Say you're Kimberly the Pink Ranger. And you get cornered by me, Dungmonkey and Crabby. You have to make a choice. Do you want normal violent me? Do you want the dude with crabs who might be a lobster? Or do you want a dude who has a crap fetish?

And there you have it.

-Big Badazz Beetleborgz, out.

GS Cinematic Corner #1

2008-10-18T17:24:00.002-04:00

Well, seeing as how GS is clearly emerging as the go-to Economic, Sports-related, Political and General Self Help blog, it only makes sense that we expand our horizons further. That's why we've decided to also conquer the Entertainment/Movie Review/Gossip markets as well. Enter Cinematic Corner. In these posts, we will highlight entertaining snippets of ENTERTAINMENT.

The first entry into the Cinematic Corner Pantheon is, naturally, the #1 movie on Time's List of 100 greatest movies:

Cliffhanger.

I would go into detail explaining why this movie is so legit and such a masterpiece, but luckily some genius on YouTube has already compiled video evidence. The video is below. Make special note of the nuanced performances given my John Lithgow and black guy (spoiler warning: he has a "rocky" time). Enjoy this post because if Penn State, the Redskins, or the Steelers lose in the next two days, the blog will take on a decidedly negative tone.

I'm a Big Deal and I Rub Shoulders with Other BIG Deals...

2008-10-17T15:24:00.003-04:00

Round herrr in Washington, D.C, big tymers are ALWAYS in abundance. You could be walking anywhere, minding your own business, when you turn a corner and BAM... there's SINBAD! And you're thinking, "wow, I just saw mega-celeb Sinbad, this day couldn't get any better" when BOOM, coming out of Macy's is former NBA Superstar and shoo-in Hall of Famer Eric Montross! Fuck yes! Two celebs, it's like Hollywood up in this bitch.

And you're on cloud 9... you can't wait til you call your babe and tell her the news. So you reach for your Samsung Glyde and you start firing off a bad ass texXxt message when BOOYAH, it's Brian "Nasty Boy" Knobbs, wrestling ULTRA STAR.

Like seriously, you're thinking, is this a joke? No, my friend, it ain't a joke. This is surrrious business. Just when you're thinking "I just died and went to heaven", out comes uuber hottie Kirstie Alley. And she wants to do the "La Parka" with you.

Clearly you oblige. But all of those celebs are bushleague minor league bullshit compared to my main homies...

The Danny and The Cruise!

So this weekend, when you're sitting around counting the Eagles Super Bowl trophies, thinking about sawing off your wrists with plastic cutlery, throw your child in a suitcase and head on down to D.C for a celeb-filled fun fuckin' time!

-Amped.

Ode to BO SCAIFE

2008-10-16T22:31:00.001-04:00

Now that the NFL season is six weeks in, it seems like a logical time to offer my mid-season fantasy football MVP. My team "Edwards-Spitzer '08" had a rough game last week. Even though Cli(t)nton Portis and Reggie Wayne had exceptional games, we lost. Why? Because BO SCAIFE had a bye week. Now you may be saying that I probably missed the Tennessee defense more than BO SCAIFE, a mere tight end, but you are also probably an idiot. BO SCAIFE is the emotional leader of my team. He is also the baddest bitch on the field (not to be confused with Trina). He commands so much respect that when you type his name, you MUST use capital letters. Otherwise BO SCAIFE comes through your computer screen and wraps your mouse cord around your penis like a tourniquet until it falls off due to lack of circulation. Scared yet? If not, look at this picture:

As you can see, he's the hardest knucka you'll ever come across. When they inevitably make a movie about his life, he will either be portrayed by Vin Diesel or The Rock. Who would you be portrayed by? He also has a huge hammer dong. Post-game interviews cannot be conducted because reporters, male and female alike, are hypnotized by the grandfather clock pendulum swaying between his knees. You may be saying, well it looks like he's part white, what if he has a small wiener? If you are saying that, you are an idiat because everyone knows that the big cock trait is dominant.

Imagine what BO SCAIFE could do if his quarterbacks weren't Kerry Collins and Vince Young? He would score 60 touchdowns a game and they would have to implement special rules to keep the game fair. It would look like Mutant League Football. The limbs of those stupid enough to try to tackle him would be strewn across the field. He would celebrate each TD by vertical 69ing with a cheerleader. Its only a matter of time beforepeople would be injecting BO SCAIFE'S semen into their bloodstream like HGH.

GS Pollitikul Corner

2008-10-16T10:19:00.005-04:00

Over 638,000 hits (we know this because our counter says so) leads us to believe that the world cares what GS thinks. We have clearly demonstrated our astuteness in the Sports and Economic Worlds. Every once in a Blue Moon ale, we have dabbled in the field of politics; but now, it becomes clear that the world demands that GS weighs in on what really matters.

(And here's where you'd expect a smarmy punchline. "Like PORN" for example. But on this day, no.)

What really matters is the upcoming Presidential Election. GS has heard a rumor recently that may rock the WORLD landscape (including the upcoming el(r)ection).

The rumor is that John "Edwin" McCain's party has an ace in the hole that will turn the election in his favor. Now, what on earth could possibly guarantee a positive turn of events for John "The Brain" McCain??

A guaranteed solution to the economic crisis? Not a chance.

A solution for poverty in America? Who cares about that? No one.

A guaranteed victory in Iraq? A guaranteed victory in Afghanistan? Hellllll no.

Nah nah nah. This is taken from the Bush model of achieving victory. Do something kind of sweet, sit on it for months at a time, and then reveal it at the time when doing so benefits you best.
------

So ladies and gents, what is this trump card?

That's right. Osama bin Laden. No, he's not joining McCain's political cabinet. The rumor GS has heard is that he's been captured... and not just recently. He's been captured for months now.

Yes, this is a conspiracy theory. Of course. But it makes sense if you think about it. Maybe that's why McCain chose that airhead Palin. Maybe that's why he's intentionally lost all of his debates by looking like a dunderhead. He just hasn't been trying.

Because he's waiting until 3 days before election day... and he and Bush are gonna roll out with bin Laden in cuffs. When that happens, McCain's going to win by 50 percentage points. It's brilliant.

But I'm here to implore you. If he does this, don't fall for it! Why? Because the real man responsible for his capture is none other than...

*PS-Remember this post when this actually does happen.

GDI Activities #2

2008-10-15T15:23:00.002-04:00

GS ExXxperimentZ: Picking NFL Games Based on Geediness Level

2008-10-15T14:49:00.004-04:00

Clearly there is no formula for successfully predicting the outcome of an NFL Game. Some teams are better than others, sure. But the better team going in does not mean it will be the better team coming out. GS likes to break new ground, and today we're unveiling a new method for picking NFL football outcomes, based on nothing more than which team is less Geedy. Hey Beetlejuice, what do you think??

"It's a strong bet that you're method will prove fruitful!! Yay!"

Thanks, 'Juice. Now, no more procrastinating. Let's pick some football games.

San Diego at Buffalo
This is a great matchup on paper. But when it comes to having a Geedier team, Buffalo wins hands down. Meaning they lose this game. Phillip Rivers is a doosh, but he is far less Geed than anyone else on the field on this day.
Pick: Whale's Vagina (San Diego)

Minnesota at Chicago
Pretty good battle here, too. Let's break it down:

Team Colors: Vikings have purple. Awful.
Famous Former Coaches: Bears have Ditka. Nice. Vikes have... Dennis Green? Yikes.
Starting QBs: Gus Frerotte- Bashed his head into a wall, cost my Skins a playoff appearance. Bears have Orton. You know.
Pick: Bears

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Steelers by a mile in my lock of the week. It comes down to Ben Roethlisbooger. He's a big mongoloid who caught some brain damage by refusing to wear a helmet. Plus they've got that shithead Jeff Reed (Josh Reed, Rick Roll??)
Pick: Steelers by 30.

Tennessee at Kansas City
Pretty close to being a lock. Kerry Collins is a former alcoholic (though once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic), plus Lendale McDonald's White.
Pick: Tennessee in a landslide

Dallas at St. Louis
The team Dallas will field on Sunday is not the team they fielded last weekend. They've lost Pacmonster to suspension. Romo is out with a busted Waah bone. And FelixXx Jones is also out. The temptation is to say they are the Geedier team. But honestly, who do the Rams have besides that Snake Jim Haslett on the sidelines?
Pick: I'll gladly take a loss and predict a tie. Both these teams are filled with Geeds.

Baltimore at Miami
Let's see. Footsteps Flacco and Ray Lewis vs. Chad Pennington and Joey Porter. Flacco is less Geedy than Pennington. Porter and Lewis is basically a push. The tie breaker? Ricky "Pineapple Express" Williams.
Pick: Give it to the Dolphins in a tight one.

San Francisco at NY Giants
Upset Special! The Giants are better on paper. But in the Geed column, they come up short. The 49ers are led by a nice Irishman named O'Sullivan and Frank "Rhyno" Gore. Look for one disembowled Giant come Sunday.
Pick: 49ers

New Orleans at Carolina
Jake Delhomme might be the Geediest QB in the NFL. Besides Drew Brees.
Pick: Panthers

Detroit at Houston
Dan Orlovsky.
Pick: Houston TexXxans

NY Jets at Oakland
Christ. Do I have to pick Brett Favrah? Yea I do. Sorry JaMarcus. Two first names crammed into one does not lead to better performance on the field. And Justin Fargas... you're white, give it up.
Pick: Nanny JexXxis (Jets)

Indianapolis at Green Bay
Gimme Aaron "Eff Brett Favre with a Telephone Pole" Rodgers and Greg "I'm Really Good" Jennings over Peyton "Krang" Manning and "Starvin'" Marvin Harrison anyday.

Cleveland at Washington
Even if they were geedier than the Browns (they're not), I'd still pick the Redskins because.... just because, dickhead.
Pick: Redskins

Seattle at Tampa Bay
Ew. Worst game of the week by far. Dream matchup of Jeff "I'm hiding behind this Playboy Playmate because I really like nekkid dudes" Garcia vs. the twin pillars of power Charlie "John" Frye and "Native American" Seneca Wallace. I'll take Joey Galloway and his 'roids.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Denver at New England
Two teams destined for 9-7 records. But only one has Jay "My arm's stronger than John Elway's and I don't give a rat's ass that it's sacrilege that I say that. Denver is the fattest city in America and kiss my bender because I've got Diabetes and you don't see me taking up entire booths in restaurants" Cutler.
Pick: Broncos.

Expect a near perfect record (minus the tie game I'm predicting). When I go undefeated, I'll make sure ESPN, CNNSI, and bootleg sports sites like that take notice.

GS: You're number 1 spot for Economic AND Sports news and advice.

-Preach

Look You Stupid Little Twerps....... F*CK OFF

2008-10-14T17:00:00.004-04:00

Hey, this site is Anti-Child abuse. But in this case I want to rock these dipshits in the face. Smarmy pukes. Yea sure you can form coherent sentences using properly enunciated words. But can you embed videos of Malibu from Old School American Gladiators on your blog and then arrange for Larry Csonka to chastise his use of surfer vernacular? I don't fucking think so.

Can you arrange for Ed Hochuli to dig up Andre the Giant's corpse, travel back in time with him, and arrange for Hulk Hogan to be incinerated, leading to Hochuli's emergence as WORLD Dictator and thus rendering the above video's predictions null and void?!?! HELL NO.

Question for the little bia on the right. Are you serious with that "hand to the ear" thing? Like you can't fucking hear? The little Descendant of David seems to be problem-free re: hearing. So why are you acting like Katie Couric at the Franklin County Pie Baking Contest?! Jesus.

And to you, little Greenberg... what makes you so fucking important that you can say shit like "I applaud their efforts". Like they give a rat's ass what you think. You are a nobody. Let's arm wrestle. I'll tear your stinking arm off and beat your parents to a mushy pulp for raising a little dickhead such as yourself. I bet you've never even seen Bloodsport or Rocky IV. Dumbass.

In closing, take your stupid long sleeve red polos, tie yourself a noose, and you know......shoot yourself in the face with a shotgun.

-ARGGGGGGGGGGGGH

What do I think is funny and Entertaining? This!

2008-10-14T14:56:00.004-04:00

...............

"Um. Malibu. Are you serious with that? I can't even fit my helmet on my pumpkin-head and even I consider what you just said idiotic. Jesus Christ.

"Broooo... the reason you're feelin' that is cuz you aren't letting the cosmic nature of the world soak in. I mean, COME on... grab a brewski... a hot babe....... a giant Q Tip...rays.........mother nature... yeaaaa.... man."

....

........

......................

"Malibu. What did that fucking mean? That's not coherent English. I may or may not be brain dead. I may or may not be a giant piece of Sequoia. But even I, a certifiable moron, can string together coherent thoughts! Come on, Malibu. Get it together soldier."

"Brah, chillaxify. Soothing sounds of summer fun.... coconut oil..... banana boat bikinis....... tropicana....... relaxification......... smooth............... mellow babealicious."

"Now you're not even trying."

"Cosmic."

Cummin' for that number one spot

2008-10-13T01:44:00.005-04:00

By now you probably know that Penn State has a badass football team this year. Wait, you didn't know? You mean ESPN spends all its time hyping teams that turn out to be frauds, then picking a new one to fellate for the next week? You may be saying to yourself, "Hey, PSU is ranked third, I'd say that's recognition enough!" Look idiat, the Nixxttany Lions started the year ranked 22nd. Each week they moved up due to some weakass posers ahead of them losing and the pollsters had no choice but to bump them up. They haven't had the benefit of hours and hours of hype from the queers on ESPN. They just fucking force you to rank them higher. Joe Pa takes his big, black football players and their big, black cocks and forces them into the AP sportswriters' sphincters until they move State up.

Look at some of the teams that were ranked ahead of them early on. Georgia, USC, Ohio State. If they could hold a football game on some sort of triangular shaped field, like Chinese Checkers, this would have been the National Championship in September (somewhere, Vince McMahon dusts off his XFL commissioner notebook and sketches triangle field). And how about West Virginia, Clemson and Auburn? All in the top ten to start the year, now they're fucking their sisters all the way to some mediocre bowl game. Now add to that list LSU and Missouri.

Look, this is America folks. The most talented and qualified succeed. Thus far, Penn State is only ranked highly because others have failed above them, and they have some history, unlike teams like Texas Tech, BYU and Utah. If they want to secure a spot in the title game, they will have to continue to perform exceptionally, pound Ohio State and finish undefeated. Nobody in America gets anything solely because of their legacy and because their competition shits the bed. Oh wait.

EPIC FAIL

2008-10-10T10:51:00.000-04:00

WOW.

Enough of this Doomsday Bullshit...

2008-10-10T08:49:00.006-04:00

Because it is Friday, you fools!

For the next 3 days, all problems are out the window. Let the Geeds in Washington worry about fixing the mess, because the rest of us CHAMPS will be living it up. Irresponsibility will reign supreme as we engage in all sorts of celebratory activities. To get your Friday and thus, your weekend, started right, I'm going to list off things that we can be fucking amped about!

Beer is still cheap
No one is paying Sarah Palin any type of worthwhile attention
Girls are still good looking human beings
Football will never go away (permanently, at least)
More free porn on the Internet than ever!
October is the last good month until May (oops, that one should get you down in the dumps... but enjoy it you little sissy)
Three day weekend (for most of us), hahahaha!
Every day above ground is a good fucking day, I don't care what you say.
Hugh Hefner is getting rid of his stupid GFs... they were getting boring and you know Hef won't be single for long.
New Bond movie in a month
The market can't get much worse (..........)
Kegs still hold lots of beer that can be consumed
The rich are about to get the SHIT taxed out of them (when Obama wins), thus making them miserable like the rest of us, YAY
Kissing Suzy Kolber is still an awesome fucking website
For me, it's scummy Alumni Weekend/My Birfday/a weekend to watch the 'Skins go 5-1.
Saw V is coming out soon... add it to your shitty movie queue.
---

That's all I've got for now. Turn that stupid frown upside down into a smug shit-eating grin (one which I'll be wearing on my face allllll weekend).

-Booyah

How does the saying go??

2008-10-09T17:03:00.001-04:00

Ah yes... if you had any amount of money NAHT stored under your mattress, thou art FUCKED, woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

-Mind is lost.

The Goose Eats a Nacho Cheese Football

2008-10-09T10:14:00.004-04:00

"I know a way to help receivers catch more balls! You DUNK da FOOTBALL in da Nacho Cheese! And den you throw da football to da guy and da guy, being hungry and all dat, catches da football, runs to da end zone, and eats da football!!

Why stop there tho? Da football is already made of pig's skin. So why not just make da football made of bacon?! Bacon and Nacho Cheese, mm mmm what could be better?

Dat sounds like a tasty treat. You can even change da offensive game plan around different toppings for da football. In da huddle, da quarterback can sprinkle da football with jalapeno peppers. Call da play "Spicy". Sprinkle da football with Chili. Call dat play "Chunky"!

I'm telling you, everybody wins! Da ratings go up because everyone likes ta see touchdowns and good food and stuff. You can even have da cheerleaders preparing da footballs on the sidelines for da touchdowns and da consumptions!!

In other news, I'm a fat moron! Back ta you, GUYS!!"

GDI Activities #1

2008-10-08T17:21:00.002-04:00

Geeds Stink Weekly ExXxclusive!

2008-10-08T09:58:00.006-04:00

Here at Geeds Stink, we pride ourselves on scoring exXxclusive interviews from time to time. It's a real testament to our PR and Marketing teams that we can get these interviews right at the height of their social importance.

That said, as you will see from the following transcript, our interviews don't really delve into a lot of details in terms of our questions asked. The tendency seems to be for our interview subjects to go off on entertaining tangents that, in one way or another, parody something you would normally not expect them to say. We get the answers that no one else can get from these subjects. And we expose a level of vulnerability and candidness not seen anywhere else.

This week, our interview takes place at Wrestlemania 3. How, you might ask? We built a time portal and brought our interview subject back in time with us. It may cause the universe as we know it to be altered greatly. Such is the nature of the beast. Without further ado, welcome to the Geeds Stink ExXxclusive of the Week!
-------------------------

[Space-Time Continuum Tears]

[A large boot steps out through the portal]

Hochuli The Giant:

Hulk Hogan, I'm going to project all of my angry frustrations upon you. You may not know who I am. Hell, you probably thought you were going to fight Andre the Giant. But you are mistaken. The writers at Geeds Stink helped me dig up Andre's corpse and, much like the Body of Krang, I am using my new host to dominate the world.

First, I am sick of all the GDIs out there bitching and moaning about my supposedly "missed" calls. I used air-quotes there to insinuate that I wasn't actually "missing" these calls at all. I'm purposefully making awful calls. Why? Because I'm Hochuli the Giant, and I do what I want. You thought that Donaghy fruit was bad? I'm more corrupt than Dick Cheney. I'm more diabolical than Mao. I force myself on more females than Kobe Bryant.

I cannot be stopped. Eat this big boot. Time for a giant knee-drop. Smell my ass as I mash it into your face. This is Hochuli the Giant. I had a Qdoba Burrito for lunch.

Oh I'm definitely benefitting from "missing" these calls. You might feel bad for me, thinking I don't deserve all the shit I'm getting. I do. I am throwing games for money. I am using that money to fill my harem with the finest examples of nubile beauties you can imagine. I'm buying allllll sorts of 'Roids, HGH, and Donkey Testosterone. I'm RAMPING up my program.

Feel my wrath. Giant splash in the corner. Body Slam. 450 Splash from the top rope. Hurricanrana. Betcha didn't think my big ass could do these things. But I'm Hochuli, not Andre.

I'm going to win this match and use the high-profile victory to alter the future. By the year 2000, I will be President of the United States. At which point, I will dissolve Congress and any other check against my power and declare myself DICTATOR FOR LIFE, KING HOCHULI THE GIANT!!! And it begins tonight.

[Gigantic Chair Shot wrapped with Barbed Wire, coated in gasoline. Lit match, thrown on Hulkster. Hulkster is engulfed in flams and burns for 20 minutes. Everyone in attendance looks on, horrified, speechless. Hochuli the Giant pins Hogan's pile of ashes, 1, 2, 3.]

Eat Shit, GDIs. This is the beginning of the end!

-Hochuli
----------------------------------------

Thanks, Hochuli the Giant! Hopefully our new Dictator For Life can fix the economy!!!

listen up cheapskates

2008-10-08T01:00:00.001-04:00

In these times of financial uncertainty, many people are feeling the need to let their voices be heard (aka bitch like little pussies). I'm not talking about losing ungodly amounts money on investments due to selfish assholes (and Jack Frost). It is understandable to gripe about getting fucked over (see Mr. Kennedy's post below), because it is out of your control, and getting fucked hurts. What I can't stand is people who bitch about the price of gas. They're all like, waaaah I have to pay a few extra dollars every time I fill up my car, adding up to maybe a thousand extra dollars a year. Jesus tittyfucking christ look at the shit you spend far more substantial amounts of money on.

Exhibit A:
Wow, having four kids was a great idea huh dipshit? If I ever hear someone with more than one or two kids complain about something like gas prices, I will fucking castrate them with a papercutter. Do people understand how expensive growing a human being is? I hope those four times your wife let you have sex without a condom were worth it you pussywhipped bitch. And know what the worst part is? You had four girls. Not only are you going to have to pay a shit load more money to raise these bitches (tampons) but they are going to make far less money than men during their lifetimes, so they won't be able to support you on their secretary or nurse salaries.

Exhibit B:
Hey good thing you bought the most expensive house you could possibly afford. It's probably a great feeling knowing that you will be paying off this monstrosity for the rest of your pathetic life. Yea, having a badass house is great, when you pay for it straight up with cash like I do. That way you aren't enslaved to some lameass geeds down at the bank. Why did you want to get this house in the first place? Because you have an inverted penis and you need to make up for it in some way. Since you don't have the pleasure of walking around with a giant snake coiled in your trousers like I do, your neighbors aren't intimidated by you. So you have to buy large cars and a large house to make up for it.

Now, I suppose I can offer some advice if you are one of these people, I do, after all believe in second chances. If you don't live in a secluded area and murdering your children is not an option, I recommend stealing. Steal everything you can. I no longer go to movies or purchase music, because I just steal everything online. I see movies months in advance. By the way, High School Musical 3 has some badass sex scenes. Make sure you see that one. As far as food, I recommend stealing from farmer's markets. Security there is very weak. Farmer Clyde may be packing a pitchfork, but he is slow as shit, so wear a mask and run like hell.

Jack Frost Follow Up

2008-10-07T14:37:00.004-04:00

Based on humongously popular demand, I have decided to post a film selection from the Cinematic Masterpiece: "Jack Frost".

You may recognize that one of the screen caps in the below post is addressed here. I venture to say this is Shannon Elizabeth's finest work. Really had me on the edge of my seat with all of its twists and turns. Enjoy!

"Looks like Christmas came early this year."

Jack Frost Stops By to Say...

2008-10-07T10:14:00.009-04:00

"It's COLD, motha fuckazzzzzzzzz!!!! Hayayayeeaaaaaaaa!!!"

"Oh, it's coooooold. You bet your ass it's cold. Grab your turtlenecks and ear muffs, because you're in for the longest winter ever!

I've chosen now for my huge comeback because you're all already miserable. Yessssss... your money is getting flushed down the toilet, mmmm. What better way to kick you in the nuts than by making you deal with another ICE AGE!!!??

Yeaaaaaaaa! You might think I'm the only mother-fuckin' Jack Frost that showed up today. You're WRONG! I brought a bunch of other J. Frosts', and they alllll want to show you their ICICLE schlongs!! WooooooOO!

"Ah yea, bitchez. It's me. Martin Short Jack Frost from "Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause". As The Executioners might say, IT'S GOING DOWN!!! Wooooo. I got my frost ball here. I'm gonna wing it in your face, then I'm gonna make you suck on my pair of frost balls...

In my pants, yaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Yea, what it is, what it is. I'm the Creepy Jack Frost staring at you from the window... watching you change and shit. I'm keeping the window slightly frosted so you think your eyes are playing tricks. But the only thing that's getting played is my dingdong as I watch you undress. I'm a peepin' Jack Frost. Awww yea!"

"Yo, dis be Domesticated Jack Frost. I'm just over here chillin' with my girlfriend. She really loves me, and I love her. We be makin' smooth love all over the fort!

Nah, she digs it. Don't worry about it."

"Step aside you buffoonz! It's me, DA REAL JACK FROST. As you can see by my movie poster, I'm KILLIN' AND CHILLIN'. It's what Jack Frost does, and I do it best. Better learn how to be an Eskimo REAL QUICK, because I'm coming for your warm-blooded ass... and I'm drinking it like wine after I get done biting off your limbs... MERRY XXXmas!!! Where my who-ahz at?!!?

"It's gonna be cold, grey, and it's going to last for the rest of your life."

"You got that right, fruitcup! Get used to it, wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Phil?! Phil Conners?! It's me, Ned Reyerson!!"

"Honestly, this could NOT get any worse."

"Allow me to break the ICE."

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck me."

2008-10-06T21:28:00.002-04:00

That's me, Junior Whopper. You may know from my commercials that I am the biggest pimp in the game. I lost my V-card when I was 13 to Wendy. Know how she got red hair? I splooge catsup. Yea, I call it "catsup" not ketchup, deal with it. We did it while Dave Thomas was taking a nap after watching The Antique Roadshow. Did you know Dave was adopted? I wish I was adopted, my dad is such a loser. One time he caught my main boy Spicy Chicken and me smoking, and threatened to ground me. So while he was lecturing us Spicy knelt down behind him and I pushed him down the stairs. I lost my Xbox Live for that. Which sucks because I run shit on Halo. My name is PickleMcDong69. Challenge me, I dare you. That reminds me, Spicy and I are going to go throw bricks off the overpass. PEACE

One word comes to mind right now: WAH!

2008-10-06T16:53:00.004-04:00

I've made it no secret that I think Wall Street is littered with crooks, frauds, phonies, and dumbasses. But I made a realization today:

"There's no point in worrying about the market. We're all fucked, but the people being fucked the most are the people that got us into this mess. So fuck them. And fuck this guy sobbing into his palm".

Seriously, cry me a river, you idiot. Shouldn't have relied on shady trading tactics. Shouldn't have been cashing in with immoral maneuvering. This is karma coming back to bite your stupid ass.

Is it even fair to assume this doosh is guilty? Yes. Is it possible that he actually is an honest guy and is getting ass-plowed because his friends were the dishonest ones?? Absolutely not. This guy is Satan incarnate, and he should get used to the fiery hell he's created for himself.

He'll be jobless in a few months. His kids will suffer and not receive an education, and his wife is going to leave him because he's a deadbeat. Sucks for you, dude. Hey, shit, I might be jobless soon too. But I'll still have this blog to use to rip into you. And that means I win.

This guy is a loser GDI. The only way to salvage his pathetic life is for him to cut his losses and become a nomad in the Sahara. At least he won't be around to see us all laughing at him.

-It's over, pal.

2008-10-06T14:30:00.000-04:00

Well fuck, I really did it now. Back in the day, I became the first and only black man to get away with murdering two white people and now I threw it all away because I wanted some of my old trophies and jock straps back. Now, I get to spend my golden years getting gang-reamed by skinheads in the pen.

But you know what makes me even more angry? On my last day of freedom I just wanted to watch Kimbo Slice beat down Ken Shamrock in an epic MMMA (the extra M stands for MANLY) fight, but that mick pussied out at the last second, leaving Kimbo to fight some scrub named Seth Petruzelli. And then what happened? Kimbo, who represents everything good about America, loses in 14 seconds!!!1!

I'm now convinced that I have no chance in prison. If Kimbo Slice can get knocked out by some guido with frosted tips, then I will surely be murdered within a week.

If you've got 50 minutes to kill today, BE SOMEBODY

2008-10-06T13:26:00.003-04:00

This is Mr. T's anti-GDI video. I mean, he doesn't actually say he hates GDIs, but we can be 100% certain that in T's mind, "fool" = "GDI".

You are a Tool

2008-10-06T11:40:00.004-04:00

Now that it's a miserable Monday, we can get back to ripping on people mercilessly. Football is over for another week. The Skins are the best team in NFL History, so we'll just leave it at that.

Now, onto this jackass:

Bluetooths, as a rule, are lame and Geedy. The only people who have an excuse for wearing one of these are Wall Street criminals who are carrying our money to their Swiss Bank accounts (don't ask me to explain the schematics of how that would work), thus leaving their hands full and unable to carry around a sweet Blackberry or IPhone.

Hey man, if you had any chance for porking that chick before, you just blew it by showing up to lunch with that fucking travesty attached to your ear. Don't get too down on yourself though. She's ugly anyways. She's probably awful in the sack, too.

But we're not talking about her. We're talking about you and assholes like you. Look, I live in Baltimore (aka the Murder/Drug/Violence Capital of the World). The streets are absolutely filled with maniacs yammering to imaginery people. I honestly never know when I might be on the verge of getting shanked. But, before Bluetooths, you could pinpoint the clinically insane. When I'd be approached by some crusty fellow wearing a newspaper hat who was screaming something about God and Satan, I knew to adjust my walking trajectory accordingly. Now, that same guy might be talking to his friend God Shamgod on the phone or something... the point is, I don't fucking know anymore... because he might be wearing a stupid bluetooth device.

On the flipside, I might assume some dooshnozzle in a business suit is talking via Bluetooth, so I won't pay him any heed. Ah, that's a mistake. Because as soon as that happens, the guy runs a shiv through my kidney... HE DOESN'T HAVE A BLUETOOTH!! HE'S FUCKING NUTS!! PLOT TWIST!!! My tendency to generalize and discriminate based on appearances has backfired and now I'm fucking dying. That blows.

Point is, leave the Bluetooth at home. If you want to use it, use it in private on a lazy Sunday when you're hungover and gearing up to watch King of the Hill (not likely). You do society (and yourself) a huge disfavor when you walk into public with one of these adorning your ear.

-Idiat.

Suck on Steely's beamstalk

2008-10-05T23:29:00.005-04:00

Well the football game just got done, so it's time for everyone's favorite thing, a blog post about someone else's favorite team! As you may know, I am a Steeler's fan, and in the immortal words of Slick Rick, "For those who don't like it, eat a dick." Now, the Steelers just pulled off a massive road win against the Jaguars, putting them in control of the AFC North. At this point, the Steelers have four wins and four division games remaining. They are also pretty banged up. They are missing their top three running backs, lot's of their already awful linemen are hurt, and Ben is likely on the verge of spontaneous combustion. I propose this strategy: only play the first team against the remaining four division opponents, finishing 8-8 on the season, good enough to win the shitty division where the only competition is Baltimore, led by Footsteps Flacco. Then we (I say we, because I play for the team) will have a healthy team set for a playoff run. That is a formula for success my friends.

Now, some of you might be calling me out on my pessimism about this team in the last couple of weeks. If you asked me about our odds in this game, I would have told you that the only way the Steelers could have pulled off a win at Jacksonville would be if one of the Steeler's geed tech guys hacked into the Jaguars headsets and transmitted the brown note into David Garrard's helmet radio, causing him to defecate and vomit every time he took a snap. Fortunately, the Steelers and head coach Omar Epps proved me wrong, and they get to bone their wives non-stop during the bye week.

But seriously folks, I feel a little bad for the fine people of Jacksonville. First of all, the only notable celebrity from their dump city is Fred Durst. Not only is that cumdumpster responsible some of the shittiest music ever made, he also directed that movie starring Ice Cube about the girl on a football team. To make matters worse, he looks like this now:

How un-hardcore is that? He's fucking THIRTY-EIGHT! And he looks like Tom Hanks' character when he's days away from death in Philadelphia.

Jacksonville's major sporting event of the year is when University of Florida and UGA play football there once a year. Sounds like a good thing right? Could boost the local economy, make people aware that Jacksonville still exists. Wrong, this is a shitty thing. Think about it, why are parties so much better when they are at someone else's house? Because at parties, people piss on furniture, throw up all over the place, and bone in your bed, possibly all three at the same time. People don't go to college football games for a pleasant time, they go there because they want to get fucked up and destroy their surroundings. So that's why those two schools chose Jacksonville, because it is already a piece of trash and they'd rather not ruin their own cities.

In conclusion, I hope everyone enjoyed watching my team win. This now sets the table for a Super Bowl preview on November 3 at Washington, pitting two of the smoothest and most prototypical quarterbacks of our generation against each other. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch the Pirates win the ALDS.

Inaugural Post

2008-10-05T21:54:00.003-04:00

It is with great honor that I accept the office of blog contributor. Mr. Kennedy did a sexcellent job giving you the basics about me, so let's bust my blogging hymen with a post.

Now, I know everyone is probably busy hosting their Steelers viewing party, so I'll understand if this post doesn't have sixty comments within an hour.

First of all, some of you may be thinking that Mr. Kennedy has let the pressure of blogging on a high-traffic website get to him, but that simply isn't true. Is it a sign of weakness when Badass Billy Gunn tags in the Road Dogg Jesse James after delivering a devestating Fame-ass-er leg drop? Fuck no, it's called showmanship. Besides, they needed to stay fresh for the DX gangbang of Chyna backstage.

Now, I want to take this opportunity to address the giant elephant in the room about my status as a GDI. I don't know how hard it was for Mr. Kennedy to appoint a GDI as a contributor to this blog, but I'm guessing it was similar to what George H. W. Bush went through when appointing Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. How could Thomas be trusted to hate on black people, as any good Republican is expected to do, when he himself is black? Well I don't know about Thomas's credentials, but I have a strong track record in talking shit about fellow GDI's, and Mr. Kennedy knows this. Also, I played on a frat IM basketball team with Mr. K my freshman year of college and sustained a concussion during a game. That's right, I sacrificed my brain in order to beat some pussy geeds in hoops. If you ever doubt my commitment, just remember that story.

New Blogger... You Don't Care.

2008-10-05T17:48:00.003-04:00

Hey! Writing a sorta funny blog that is viewed by just a few people is hard fucking work!

And clearly I'm going to keep blogging with the utmost frequency, but I've decided that I may not be the only remotely-funny person on earth.

So I've recruited a new blogger, "Steamed Hams".

Disclaimer: Steamed Hams is, by definition, a GDI. He didn't pledge a fraternity. But guess what? That makes him no less legit when commenting on crappy/boring/unfunny GDIs. If you're in a fraternity, you obviously have a few non-fraternity friends who are fucking legit.

I will stick by this:

Steamed Hams is legit. He is funny. And he has met "famous-celebrity Alex Shuptar"!!! Listen, I make unfunny posts all the time. But having SH (Steamed Hams) around will cushion the blow of my unfunny posts.

Facts about him:

He likes Penn State (check)
He likes the Steelers (begrudging check)
He likes Siena Basketball (enthusiastic check)
He's Irish (if you don't think this is a check, fashion your feet with cement boots and take a dip in a coral reef).
He's a GDI, but he's not a Geed. There is a humongous distinction.

That all said, show him the respect you've shown me (none, I guess), but let him entertain you. You shant be disappointed.

Oh, did I forget? Here's a picture of the canine he hangs out with 24/7... mess with him you answer to.....

Sir Reginald!!!

"Redskins 20, Eagles 17"

2008-10-05T16:44:00.003-04:00

"Nice prediction, asshole. www.geedsstink.blogspot.com is a farce. And I, Chris Cooley, will never take this site seriously when figuring out what games to wager on.

We won, 23-17. What a stupid prediction, assface.

Oh, I went to town today, just in case you didn't notice. I wasn't even paying attention to my stats, but I know I went over 100 and caught a touchdizzle.

Oh wait. The Eagles were FAVORED by 6? And you still picked us to win? You just underestimated our points-scoring ability?

Oh, well then I can let it slide. If I had bet a million dollars on your recommendation, I'd have won a million dollars. Solid work, friend.

Until then, this is Chris Coolnastey. 'Skins are 4-1, and we're on the warpath.

HAIL."

-Thank you Chris.

Don't Hate the Player... Hate the ga- WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!

2008-10-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

Today, Geed, thou Art a KING!

2008-10-04T15:40:00.003-04:00

I want to thank the Geed species on this day (yes, Species... they're not normal humans).

Why?

Because the species produced the Geeds that designed the LSAT to be one of the most miserable experiences ever. They designed it to be miserable from start to finish. Registering to be miserable costs over 100 dollars. They designed it so that, in order to do well, you have to either A) study for like 7 months or B) invest in a course that costs more than a grand, at least. They made the test 70 minutes longer than it has to be (complete with an "experimental" section and a worthless 35 minute writing section). They've banned almost everything on earth (so no flasks allowed).

But you're saying, "Wait a minute, you idiot, why are you thanking those assholes, then?"

Because, you fool. Regular drug and alcohol rehab costs about 20,000 dollars. Preparing for the LSAT is basically just as effective and only costs 1500 dollars and a bunch of studying. If you want to kick your drug or booze habit forever, just study for every single LSAT exam for the rest of your life, with the goal to score a 180 on every single one. You may still booze a bit, but trust me, you can kill those urges whenever.

Nice work, today, you fucking geek.

---

That said, I'm not studying for every LSAT imaginable. I took the test today. And I'm ready to punish my body. If I score a 120 on it (aside from learning that I'm fucking retarded), I will still be happy. Because I am done studying for this hell-on-earth exam.

So here's to GEEDS, and here's to ME. I hope I get so drunk that I piss my pants in my sleep tonight.

Message to Geeds: Get Real, Get a Life.

2008-10-03T16:17:00.002-04:00

"Grow up Peter Pan; Count Chocula!" -Wedding Crashers

The above quote illustrates the absolute lunacy that is the latest waste of time, money, and brain cells being talked about as plausible.

Really? We're going to build an elevator to space?

...

Yea, that's what it'll fucking look like, you numbskulls. We'll just have a floating public bathroom hanging around in space attached to a giant elevator shaft. Morons can take rides up and down like it was a walk in the park. Ok.

Pigs don't fly, hell hasn't frozen over, and Adam Sandler is still unfunny.

But there are PRACTICAL reasons for building this atrocity! We can dump our nuclear waste IN SPACE!!!

>:(

You would assume this is something some nerd who was playing The Sims would think up. But, as the article shows, there are actual scientists working on this ludicrous idea. Good lord.

In other news, The Matrix was actually a documentary. It exists.

The whole idea centers on the assumption that some little weight will be rigged at the top of this thing, and be dropped down, through the atmosphere (implausible, actually), until it thuds onto the earth's surface. By that time, the cargo train filled with moronic families running their nuclear waste to space will have reached our space station. Think of a pulley system. Except with human lives, nuclear waste, and atmospheres to travel through.

Oh, and it MAY BE DONE IN OUR LIFETIMES!!

Ok, whatever you say. I'll remain skeptical.

This is what happens when you tell nerdy geeds that they can do anything. Instead of doing things that can plausibly help us... they're sitting around, jerking off to anime pornography, and drawing up sweet pictures of Space Elevators. Fucking great.

Stick to Dungeons and Dragons, dweeb.

Probably isn't Real...

2008-10-03T12:31:00.000-04:00

But we can always dream.

I Can't Get No Sleep

2008-10-03T04:19:00.002-04:00

It's 4:20 AM as I write this, and I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep if my life depended on it. There are a couple reasons for this, and even though you likely don't give a shit, I'll share them.

1) I've been pretty lame for about 40 days now, in terms of actually being responsible. Let me tell you, it was necessary to be responsible, but it's not something I want to do on a consistent basis. I've been preparing for the biggest test of my life (up until this point) and am pretty much mentally, physically, and reproductively drained (ok not reproductively... I've had no sex). But there always has and, for the foreseeable future will remain, a dragon of absolute irresponsibility and disaster lurking. And it wants to fucking feed. Right now. I'll elaborate on this in point 3.

2) Speaking of said test. I've taken it once before. I wasn't prepared. This time, I'm fucking prepared. I dropped a 165 on a practice test tonight (which is 92nd percentile), and I didn't even check my work. Put it this way, I know what I need to know. It's gotten to the point of being so engraved in my head that I was having dreams of solving fucking logic problems that combined 3 different and unrelated disciplines. Yea, my brain is ready for a break.

3) After I take this test, the first thing I'm going to want to do is chug something. And it won't be something sans alcohol. Granted, I haven't been sober for the past 40 days (more like 10), but it feels like it's been 40 days. If I wasn't convinced I had alcoholic tendencies before, I am now. I'll just need to get my hands on some booze before I get a chance to lay down, for once I do lay down, I may not wake up until Monday Morning.

4) My skin is tingly, my heart hurts, and my calves itch incessantly, probably because I had like 6 Red Bulls today. When I crash, it's going to be HARD.

5) But really, what it all boils down to is this: I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I just want it to be Saturday already, I want to knock this test out of the stadium. I want to be done with it. Then, I want to get back to the things I've made my way on: shenanigans, being an asshole, and ripping beers.

For now, I need to find a way to sleep. I'll try a Nut N' Nap.

-Ew.

Charm City, My Ass.

2008-10-02T15:20:00.005-04:00

"Bombs Away, bitches." That's what I used to say every time I threw a pigskin missile down the field at University of Delaware. People used to say, "Hey, Future All Pro Joe Flacco, doesn't it suck going to school in a shithole like Delaware? And don't you feel like an idiot when you consider the fact that you're a Blue Hen?" I thought, "yea my situation does kinda suck".

Then, when I was drafted to play for the Baltimore Ravens, I got real happy. "Charm City" is what they called the city. Beautiful stadium, Cal Ripken, affluent areas around... yea sounds nice for good ole Bro Flacco. Imagine my surprise when I got out of my limo at Inner Harbor and I saw this:

"Fuckin' great", I thought. All I wanted to do was grab a fucking paddle boat and kill a few hours. Now I'm sloshing around in a sea of dead carp, used condoms, shitty diapers, and human remains. This is the tits. Ugh.

But I knew relief would come on the football field. After all, I wasn't getting paid to pussy-foot around Trashimore. I was getting paid to be the 3rd-String QB on a team that went something like 5-11 last year.

So whatever. I didn't pay attention during OTAs, training camp, and film sessions. Let those other jabronis worry about that stuff. Flacco the Wakko's time will come... just not now.

But then Troy Smith got AIDS or something. And then the Ravens realized that, well... see for yourself:

And then it was time for Flacco to lay down the Smacko. So, even though I had done zero preparation for the upcoming season, I was still amped. Scouts marvelled at my mental capabilities and my Herculean arm (not to mention my incredible humility).

Come game time, I remember that I play for the team that let some bum like Greg Camarillo make a name for himself:

Starting to get sad. But then I remember, I've got Willis McGahee. He's a really good player. "Oh sorry to tell you, Joe. But McGahee is hurt and you'll be playing with an offense built around Laron McClain."

...
.......
...........

WHO!?

So I'm throwing to the perma-cripple, Todd Heap? And our biggest playmaker is Derrick Mason (who is only good because he's always the best receiver on a team with the shittiest receiving corps in the league), and our go-to running back is garbage collector Leron McClain?

Maybe this guy has it right.

Breaking News: New York Mets Sign Ambiorix Burgos to 7 year, 49 Million Dollar Deal!

2008-10-02T12:07:00.002-04:00

NOT!

Just in case you hadn't noticed. This is not a blog that is dedicated to providing you with accurate information of any kind. There are plenty of good information-based web sites out there. There are millions of blogs that do parody-style news much better than this one. This blog is good solely for wasting time.

Anyways, if this was Grand Theft Auto, Ambiorix Burgos would currently have one star. No problem, dude. Just get your car painted and the fuzz will be off your ass.

Who's Ready for Some Domination?

2008-10-02T09:36:00.003-04:00

A great man once said, regarding male brainpower vs. female brainpower, that the former was greater than the latter. In fact, he even validated his claim by saying, "It's Science."*

Now, I'm not much into scientific jargon. I'm just a simple guy with small town values. But if someone tells me, definitively, that "It's Science", I'm going to tend to take him at his word. Because, for me personally, my word is as good as gold.

And, as we all know, Science can predict, with utmost certainty, every single minute aspect of the future. So that's why, tonight, you can be assured that I will mop the floor with my inferior female opponent.

Hi. I'm Joe Biden. A Male with a huge brain.

Tonight, Sarah m'dear. Grab your prettiest little dress, wear your cutest pair of chique glasses, do your hair up right n' nice. Look your best, because I want no excuses after I expose you for the vapid Barbie-doll that you are. Consider yourself fucked.

*-Ron Burgundy- "Anchorman"

Forget E=MC^2...

2008-10-01T21:08:00.006-04:00

Because I've got the formula for being a real man.

First, roll out of bed. Avoid the shower. They don't make real Man-Scents for the shower. You'll just end up smelling like a cloud, or a waterfall, or a misty valley. Stupid.

Head to your medicine cabinet (or your trough filled with dirty water that you reuse on a day-to-day basis), reach in, pull out your old time Razor:

Skip the shaving cream/gel. Don't need it. Shave your neckbeard or whatever. Leave your manly-face beard. It'll come in handy later.

Now that you're done shaving your neck sans shaving gel, you assuredly have various nicks and cuts. Do you reach for tissue? Do you reach for moisturizer? Do chickens have lips?

Fuck no. You reach for the man-staple that is:

Skin Bracer- Original.

Apply liberally to various wounds. Ensuing pain will put hair in places you had previously assumed were immune to follicle growth. This stuff is cheap, doesn't smell like anything you've ever smelled or seen before, and let's people know you don't give a rat's ass.

Now that you're done with that. Reach for the essential junk-freshener:

This can be original or extra strength. And, since you didn't shower, your junk smells like the inside of a used condom. This will freshen you right up in addition to adding more intense burning that lets you know your testosterone is pumping.

Ready to hit the town, right? Not quite. You need cologne. Now, I know what you're saying... "Cologne? Isn't that a little...fruity?" Well usually, yes. But in this case, you've got the exception to the rule:

Halston Z-14.

Honestly, look at that. If liquor stores sold cologne, this would be the signature scent. The bottle looks like it could be filled with moonshine, whiskey, or scotch. But don't drink this shit. I'm pretty sure if you were circumcised before, you'll grow your foreskin back if you do. Instead, dump this all over your body. Congrats, you now smell like... um... doesn't matter. You smell good.

Now you're all set. You're ready to hit the town, show them what you're made of. Now, all that's left is to take a look in the mirror and admire the beauty that is you...

-You're welcome.

Tell you one guy who's not a GDI... Lane Kiffin

2008-10-01T12:00:00.003-04:00

Didn't want to work for Old Man Al "Dracula" Davis anymore, so he decided to do the most absurd thing he could think of. I have to tip my cap on this one. Hahahaha, this is absolutely ridiculous. Congrats Lane, you finally got your wish, plus you're going to get a cool 2 million, just because you refused to quit coaching that miserable Oakland Raiders team. HA.

Zipadee Doo Dah, Mother Fuckers!!!

2008-09-30T13:30:00.005-04:00

Welcome friends, one and all, to a world void of happiness!! Our economy sucks, the government is incompetent... it's fucking Doomsday!!! Yaaaaa!

Why am I wearing this shit-devouring grin?? Simple, you silly fuck. I'm banged up on MEDS, because that's all any of us can do to stay afloat nowadays!!

Your retirement plan? GONE! Your kid's College Education, VANISHED! Your stock portfolio?!?! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Armageddon is upon us, folks! And if ever there was a time to make good on those promises to move to Canada, it's right fucking now!

But look at it this way, at least you're not as fucked as ^ that geezer ^.

Keep Smilin' You Little Pussy...

2008-09-28T19:24:00.002-04:00

Because you just got ZORNED.

Touchdown

2008-09-27T23:09:00.002-04:00

I hate the Cowboys. They aren't Geeds. I admit that. They're frat.

But the Redskins have the most racist team name in sports and, in spite of countless petitions, litigation cases, and proposals, the Washington Redskins keep their name.

But there's one way the Native Americans can get their dignity back.

And it happens once, twice a year.

When their own Washington Native Americans take on their Arch Nemeses, Dallas Cowboys.

So tomorrow, our own resident Native American, Jason Campbell (he's black, actually), will exact revenge on his oppressors, and end this delusion that the Cowboys are to 2008-2009 what the New England Gaytriots were to 2007-2008.

Fight on, Fight on,
Til you have won,
Sons of Wash-ing-ton
eyeyey!

Hail to the Redskins
Hail Victory
Braves on the Warpath
Fight! For Native Americans' rights!

-Riggins

The World Just Got a Little Geedier

2008-09-27T20:10:00.001-04:00

Paul Newman
January 26, 1925 – September 26, 2008

My Name is Bono, listen to my words

2008-09-26T13:40:00.003-04:00

"Hello.

(pause)

(pause)

My name is Bono.

(squints eyes and peers into the sky, inhales deeply, looking to be deep at thought)

And people care about what I have to say.

(cues a recording of a large crowd roaring)

The world is hurting. And it needs to be healed. And who better to do the healing than me.... Bono.

(30 Second pause)

After all, who better to speak on world affairs than a man whose whole gimmick is wearing Euro-trash leather jackets, fruity sunglasses with a UV protection of 0, and slicked back hair down to his shoulders?

(Pause)

No one. That's who.

(Pause)

People love my band. And I can see why. Everyone has to love a band that plays the same song over and over again and just slaps a different inspirational name to each one, right?

Right.

(Pause)

So I'm telling you, being Irish and all, that you must vote for Barack Obama. Because I'm Irish, I can't vote, and I'm a celebrity.

Unos, dos, tres, Catorcaaaaaay!

[Fuck Bono]

Someone was Drunk at ESPN...

2008-09-26T09:54:00.002-04:00

...When they came up with this title:

-Solid work.

Geed of the Week #2: Joe Lieberman (owitz/awitz/enstein/berg)

2008-09-25T12:41:00.002-04:00

Joe Lieberman is a fucking doosh. First of all, his "zero-charisma personality" brought nothing to Al Bore's ticket in 2000. Fine, fair. But then he starts calling himself an independent because he gets questioned by his party regarding his stance on certain issues. Fine still, I guess. But then, this worm throws his support behind John McCain (a personal friend), which is fine, even IF it's a direct "fuck you" to his so-called former party.

But then this pussy-maggot spoke in support of John McCain (make note, I don't mind McCain. He is a man amongst men, a war hero, and very deserving to be President) at the RNC.

Die in a frying pan, Joe Liebermanowitzensteinenklausenfarbaberg. I'm glad neither Dems nor Republicans like you anymore. You're a piece of shit.

-USA

GDI Disambiguation

2008-09-25T10:37:00.004-04:00

Every once in a fortnight, it's useful to actually help GDIs. It's a shocker, sure, but it can also help non-GDIs differentiate between terms that are, at times, somewhat ambiguous. Here are helpful hints so you know what the eff you're talking about:

GDI- Plain and simple. A GDI decided against pledging. It's pretty simple and is the term where all variations come from.

Geed- This is pretty much synonymous for "lame loser who loves even lamer things". It gets confusing when you tell one of your otherwise non-Geed friends that he's acting like a Geed, being a Geed, or you tell him to stop being a Geed. This is the term you use when you need to wake him up from his slumber. Saying, "Stop being a Geed" is a call-to-arms. If you are in a fraternity, you can still be a Geed, just not a GDI (because you are not an Independent... you pledged, get it?). Don't toss this term around lightly, because the wrong person can take it the wrong way, and your ties of friendship could potentially be forever severed.

Geedasaurus, Giganti-Geed, Supergeed, Rumpelgeedskin, Geed Laureates- These are all examples used for a special class of Geeds or GDIs (yes, can refer to standard GDIs or Geedy friends). Much like fraternity guys are split into different echelons of sweetness, GDIs and Geeds are divided into categories of lameness. And these guys are at the top. Maximum geed levels are achieved by all.

Anal Geeds, Geeds R Us, Frisgeeds, Geedters- These are terms used for a grouping of Geeds. They differ in their level of cleverness (Anal Geeds is a variation of Anal Beads, for example). Groups of Geeds increase in danger as their numbers increase. Avoid avoid avoid situations in which there are large groupings of GDIs (unless you are using Hit-N-Run tactics, such as quick-hittin' thievery).

And then, there's this fuck-tard:

For some reason this no talent asshole is loved by GDIs and Geeds everywhere. He fucking sucks and don't waste one single breath on him.

-He should "Hung" himself.

(Sorry)

(Naht).

Morons

2008-09-24T17:15:00.001-04:00

Nice.

GDAnImals #1: Poodles

2008-09-24T10:16:00.004-04:00

This thing looks like shit. And, trying to think of reasons why a human being would enjoy being seen with this animal turned out to be a fruitless venture. And then I realized something verrry important regarding poodles.

They're poodles. Dogs. Animals. They can't brush their own hair. They can't groom themselves. And they can't help it if their owners are secretive child-touchers.

But the troubling thing about these kinds of poodles is that they win a lot of dog shows. What does that mean? It means GDIs have infiltrated further into the American psyche (even into something as meaningless as a bunch of stupid mutts trotting around in a circle while some bald asshole fondles their balls and sticks their fingers up their asses) than we might have previously given them credit for.

If this were a GDI-free world. Only one type of dog would EVER win an award for ANYTHING. Allow me to introduce you to Junkyard, the English Bulldog:

This guy is a fucking champ. If he ran into that stupid poodle in a pool-hall, he'd bash a poolstick over its head and straddle its face with his 3 lb. balls. Bulldogs like snoring, eating, farting, sleeping, and copulating. So throw away the toy poodle, the weeny-Chihuahua, the pussy dachsund... and pick up a Bulldog, Pitbull, Husky, or Akita. You'll thank me later.

-And hire somebody poor to pick up your dog's shit.