Mr. Kennedy's Weekend Extravaganza Bonanza!!!

Starring TONY DANZAAA!



Anyways, idiocy aside, this weekend is another HUGE (boner) weekend in the life of Mr. K's sports. The Redskins are gearing up to win a 9-6 nailbiter vs. the hapless Rams, my Fantasy baseball squad is locked in the most important war of all time, and Pat Tillman is coming out of retirement. Because there's so much to cover, and because I've been as useful as Teri Schiavo's appendix lately, I'm gonna put together a post of epic proportions! Welcome to week one of the Extravaganza Bon(er)anza!!!!



Whoa, calm down over there.

Let's get a few things out of the way. Mr. K has been shoddy in terms of drunkenness and bloggingness because other duties (and booties) have come calling. I am currently in the Law School Application process... and if you're normal, you don't give a fuck about that. But the reason I briing it up is because Hams posited that I was drunk last night/this morning. This is simply not true, as I am saving my blackout for today/tomorrow. It's a Scott Kazmiracle that I haven't been fired for showing up to work smelling like booze every Monday. But DILLIGAF (Do I Look Like I Give a Fuck?)

#2- The Redskins are fucking awful. But they're going to tease us idiotic Redskins fans by starting out 4-2 or 5-1, starting with a bout vs. the St. Louis Bega Rams this Sunday. I'm telling myself that the Skins can put up 35 pts, but it will be a bonerfied miracle if they muster up more than 17. Expect a 13-10 snoozer. But don't be shocked if the Rams bullshit their way to another win (ala last year on my Birthday).

#3

Although boxing is becoming as irrelevant as POGs and laser pointers, Floyd "Money" Mayweather is its sole bankable star (especially since it appears that De La Hoya is finished). He has a fight tonight against some hermano, and normally I'd predict a thorough domination being given out by Money. However, he has seemingly succumbed to MC Hammer syndrome, taking his success for granted, and turning into a fat idiot. Thus, bank on this: Juan Manuel Marquesoooo will beat Floyd. And boxing will be dead.

#4- Steamed Hams thinks he's the man by posting Stone Cold Steve Austin Videos. Well I'm going to counter that with the "Gangrel Game of the Week". Confused about that obscure namedrop? Allow me to clarify. As always, via Wikipedia:

In 1998, Heath was hired by the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) due to the support of then writers Bruce Prichard and Vince Russo, who believed in the merit of a vampire gimmick. Heath was given the name Gangrel, which was derived from a vampire clan from the role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade. The gimmick involved an entrance which saw him rising from a ring of fire on stage, followed by a slow walk to the ring set to a sinister instrumental music theme. He also carried a goblet of "blood" with him and, during his entrance, would stop on the ring steps, take a drink, and spray it into the air.

Gangrel made his TV debut on the August 16, 1998 episode of Sunday Night Heat, and was victorious in his in-ring debut against Scott Taylor. He would go on to be undefeated for several months into his WWF career.

He then formed a gothic faction, called The Brood, with Edge and Christian. The Brood became known for their "blood baths", which involved the lights going out for a moment, and when they came back on, the targeted wrestler being covered in "blood". The three eventually joined up with The Undertaker and his Ministry of Darkness faction, but the grouping ended as The Brood's popularity was destroying the Ministry's heat.

Gangrel got one of his first title shots at the 1999 Royal Rumble. He challenged D-Generation X member X-Pac for his WWF European Championship in a losing effort. He competed in the Royal Rumble match later that night and again the following year.

After splitting from the Ministry, The Brood began a feud with the Hardy Boyz and their manager Michael Hayes. During the feud, Gangrel suddenly turned on Edge and Christian and aligned himself with Matt and Jeff Hardy. He called the group The New Brood. Terri Runnels also began to show interest in the Hardy Boyz, however, and they eventually chose her over him. Gangrel became a singles wrestler following the breakup of The New Brood; he was mainly used as a mid carder. In 2000, he brought in his real-life wife Luna Vachon as his manager until she was fired. Gangrel continued working for the WWF until he was released in 2001, reportedly for weight problems.

A hall of fame worthy career, indeed. Gangrel's game of the week is the powerhouse matchup of the Vikings vs. Ravens and...

fuck it. Let's see how pathetic Gangrel has become:



I love taking joy from observing subhumans. Clearly Gangrel licks pussy like a champ. Not sure how I feel about the fact that he's porking that gargoyle he's with, but you know what? To each his own (bone).

Gangrel sucks, this is true. But you know who sucks more? LameDainlian Tomlinson. I drafted him #5 in one league and #9 in another. These are both money leagues (gambling is bad (if you're gay)), and he's already hurt, so I'm basically fucked. Rape really isn't funny. Unless you're a fan of GS, which of course you are. I hope Tomlinson's wife gets raped.

/don't care if you're not laughing

Because I've been more sober lately, I've had a chance to watch some fucking trashy films. Here's how they rate:

Fast and Furious: 0 Stars- Fucking awful. I made it through 25 minutes of it. Turned it off. This comes from a guy who loved movies like Saw, Sorority Boys, and Sleepover. Vin Diesel is a fucking retard, and I hope he gets raped in the ass by Melanie Oudin's tennis racket (business end of course).

Friday the 13th (the new one): 5 Stars- It's a fucking Jason movie. People die. Tits fly around like pre horse-riding Christopher Reeve, and I get a boner.

This Is It- This is a documentary on the last days of Michael Jackson. I haven't seen the movie, just a 2:00 preview. I have one question: Who gives a flying fuck? Michael Jackson, since I'm sure you read this, I want you to know one thing: I'm glad you're dead and your movie is going to suck. Die again.

I referenced Melanie Oudin because she was just shown on the Atlanta Braves broadcast, sitting between two pedophiles. They're gonna be disappointed, because I think she's at least 18, but for all you twinophiles out there, Melanie has a twin. Named Murray. Yeaaaa, Melanie Oudin with a mustache and a penis. Cheddar!

I want to get back to this Mayweather/Marquez fight. I ordered it. I root for Money Mayweather. Why?

Because he is America. No that's not a typo. I didn't mean to say that he's American. He is America. Extravagance. Bombasity, Attitude, Excess, FRATTTINESSSS.

Oh and this just in, HHH, one of my least favorite wrestlers, is gonna be in Money Mayweather's corner tonight. I fucking love it.

Fuck you Mexico. You have been the grundle of America for too long. I hope Mayweather uppercuts your champ out of the fucking ring.

-Mr. K

(Might be updated later)

Hams' Stone Cold Locks of the Week

In this new feature, Steamed Hams will provide our 5 million devoted readers with some stone cold gambling locks, along with a great moment in Stone Cold Steve Austin history. I know Mr. Kennedy has done the picks in the past, but since he is likely passed out drunk under his desk at GS Enterprises LLC until Sunday, I'm going to step up and do the honors this week. These picks will be broken down into three categories: Hate Pick (where I make a pick based on hate), Homer Pick (where I bet on my team's game) and Big Game Pick (pretty self-explanatory, you idiot).

COLLEGE

We aren't exclusive to the NFL here at GS, so if gambling on the performance of flaky, immature 18-22 year olds is your thing, then check out our college picks.

Hate Pick
Duke (+24) at Kansas

I hate Kansas because the quarterback once made out with my college housemate's girlfriend. And that chick was the most despicable wench you could ever meet. Double whammy for the Jayhawks. Not only did Todd Reesing help my friend get cheated on, he did it with a huge cunt. That said, this is a terrible pick. Duke is awful, which makes complete sense, since my and Mr. K's high school is one of the biggest feeders to its football program. But the power of hate is strong my friends, and that cancels out all logic.

Homer Pick
Penn State (-30.5) vs. Temple

Though I live in the shadows of a different Big 10 school, Penn State will remain as my homer team. Perhaps that will change in the future, but then we wouldn't be able to use this picture:



The Nixxxty Lions square off with Philly trash Temple. Now, this is another pick that will probably not happen, since the gay little Owls usually manage to put up a good fight, but homerism conquers all. PSU is due for an offensive outburst, though, after only putting up 31 against Akron and 28 against 'Cuse in the first two. Also, Penn State is extremely overrated at No. 5, not that I'm complaining.

Big Game Pick
USC (-18.5) at Washington

This has all the makings of a typical USC upset. The Trojans are coming off a big win, they're on the road, and UW is supposedly a tough place to play. But the Huskies have already blown their emotional load when they lost to LSU at home, and oh yeah, they lost this game 56-0 on their way to an 0-12 record last year. USC big, even with another new quarterback.

NFL

Hate Pick
New Orleans (-1.5) at Philadelphia

I'm not totally sold on the Saints, as they did give up some points to Detroit last week, but come on, Kevin fucking Kolb. I think the Saints win close, and the Eagles fans embrace Kolb. Think about it, their other quarterback options are McNabb (black), Garcia (gay and Mexican) and Vick (black). Kolb is a pretty generic white man, the perfect Philly athlete, unless he's Jewish or something.

Homer Pick
Pittsburgh (-3) at Chicago

Cutler probably won't do any worse than last week, even though he's actually facing a real defense this time. But, he's on my fantasy team, so he will automatically suck it hard. And I would welcome that with open arms. I see a 20-14 win, with hopefully lots of players mocking Brian Urlacher for missing the rest of the season with a pussy wrist injury.

Big Game Pick
Dallas (-3) vs. New York

I feel pretty dirty about making this pick, as Dallas is one of my all-time least favorite cities. Texas as a whole is pretty sweet, but every state has that city that is just pure Wal-Mart country. Everything is fucking generic. Yeah there are enough Mexicans to make some good food, but anytime you are doing something in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, you find yourself saying, "I could be doing this exact same thing anywhere else in the country, especially in a place that isn't so fucking hot." But, the Giants offense is pretty shitty since losing Plaxico. Now, you may be thinking that they looked solid last week, but remember, that was against the Skins. And there's no way Jerry allows the Cowboys to lose their opener in the new stadium.

STONE COLD MOMENT OF THE WEEK

Stone Cold Steve Austin spraying the Corporation with beer.



So much fucking sweetness captured in this video. This happened in the Pepsi Arena in Albany (home of the Siena Saints), which makes it personally awesome to me. But also, he hits the fucking Titantron with the top of the truck, imagine if they sucker came down and crushed hundreds of people. No way Vince stops the show. Spraying people in suits with beer is too epic to miss. Also, how amazing was the Attitude era? Nothing in wrestling or sports or the drama genre will ever touch it. So many badass stables (DX, Corporation, Ministry, Corporate Ministry, the Brood, The Nation), awesome storylines (Owen Hart dying) and hot chicks (Sable, Debra, the Fabulous Moola). You could actually wear a wrestling t-shirt to school and not be considered "poor" or a dirtbag. For Christmas, I actually had the audacity to ask for a DX football jersey, on the back it had the number 69 and said "Suck It" for the name. Santa didn't bring it, but it was still badass. Also in middle school, myself and about 20 people all pretended to be different wrestlers in the different stables (I think I was Shane McMahon) and would beat the shit out of eachother after school in a massive gangfight every day. And we were the "cool" kids of the school. Wrestling will never see that level again.

Mr. K is mad, SHOCKER

Ladies and Gentleman, the 2009 Washington Redskins' starting QB

If you are one of the people who contributed to our 5 million+ hits, then I'm sure you are prepared for this. I am a little upset.

I will say this: without looking at Wikipedia or doing any research whatsoever, I can say that Jason Campbell is a GDI. He did not pledge a fraternity.

Jim Zorn is mentally deficient.

Albert Haynesworth is fat.

I'm glad Malcolm Kelly (1 catch, 6 yards) is my team's #2 WR.

Santana Moss... I don't know how to say it. Just go back and watch the game. You tell me. Trash.

I'm glad Brian Orakpo was used well. (......)

Will the Redskins finish 15-1? Yes. Will they beat Hams's Steelers in the SB? 100% yes.

Did Shawne Merriman rape Tila Tequila? I say no. But if he did, then he pussied out before being effective.

Between Fantasy Football and Fantasy Baseball playoffs, I might go 4-1. That doesn't upset me, but I do expect to go 5-0, because I'm FAR more knowledgeable than the rest of you shitheads.

Mets-Phillies tonight. I hate both teams. But I need David Wright to have a good showing. Otherwise, I will be eliminated from the only baseball league I care about.

Kurt Warner and co. = dogshit, and I'm glad I have most of them on my squad.

Antwaan Randle El just won back the #2 receiver position.



True Blood is money.

If my baseball paloffs don't go as planned, then I shant be posting here again. Because I'll be dead.

-Mr. K.

Lazily rolling out the AFC picks

In true GS fashion, I am presenting my American Football Conference predictions extremely late. The early games are just about all wrapped up as I write this, so this can't even be considered a preview any more. Nonetheless, this is still a very exciting time in the football universe. Right now, you are probably scrambling to impulsively drop half of your fantasy team for players who put together a fluky performance to start the season. I MUST HAVE ROMO! Actually, I could probably really use the guy, since I have Jake Delhomme as my backup option (-2 points today).

So I'll start by offering a few observations on what I've seen today. Note: What I've seen today consists of half of one game (Broncos-Bengals) and a bunch of final scores—so clearly this will be complete BS.

-Prepare to hear about the Saints being the greatest team to ever grace the NFL. Their offense is awesome, but remind yourself that this team was .500 last year. The Saints should play in the Big 12.

-The Steelers will defy the laws of mathematics and clinch the AFC North by Week 6. Based on one game, I know that the Ravens suck. Also, the Browns and Bengals are just...sad. That whole midwest meets rustbelt confluence is incredibly depressing. I can't imagine living here without being in a city. This region leads the world in the "talented authors who commit or attempt suicide" per capita. Hemingway (Illinois suburb), Hunter S. Thompson (Northern Kentucky), David Foster Wallace (Central Illinois) and Kurt Vonnegut (Indianapolis) lead the way.

-The Jim Breuer Pizza Hut commercial is the most lazily written advertisement ever. Irrelevant 90's comedian? Check. Awful catch phrase? Check. "Manly" things (sports, women) Check. Shitty product (seriously, a ring of cheese on the crust? what the fuck is that? Stuffed crust needs no improvement) Check and Check. The following is the only commercial that was ever entertaining:



-No comment on Favre, since he played Cleveland.

-I don't think I even noticed that the Colts got a new stadium last year. It is kinda sweet.

Alright, time for the pre(cum)DICKtions:

DIVISION CHAMPS
North: Steelers
South: Titans
West: Chargers
East: Patriots

Wild Cards: Jets, Colts

AFC 'SHIP
Steelers over Patriots

SUPER BOWL
Steelers over Redskins, who recover from shaky start against Giants to outscore opponents 800-0 on 100 consecutive touchdown passes and two-point coversions to Chris Cooley. I promptly win my fantasy league. But Cooley is run out of town after NFC Championship due to sex scandal with Buck Angel.

People are Catching On!

Well you know by now that Hams and I are genuine Nostradamuses when it comes to the game of American Football. I have predicted a Redskins win over the Steelers in the Super Bowl (which is 100% going to happen).

Well it now seems that semi-respectable media outlets are now glombing on to our bold predictions and passing them off as their own. Per ProFootballTalk:

Now that we're part of the semi-legitimate media, we need to behave like the semi-legitimate media and pretend that we know what we're talking about when it comes to predicting the teams that will make it to the postseason.

The reality is that no one knows what will happen, primarily because the only certainty is that injuries will screw up everything.

We often criticize so-called experts who base their predictions too heavily on the outcome of the prior season, so we've picked our Super Bowl teams in part by playing it safe and in part by thinking beyond the box.

Our best guess as of right now is that the Redskins and the Steelers will face off in February, and that the Steelers will win their third title in five years.

A lot of careful thought went into that. Specifically, the guys at WSSP in Milwaukee put me on the spot Wednesday morning, and so I blurted out the picks my cousin Josh had e-mailed to me the day before.

But I'll go with that. I've been saying for months that the Redskins could be the surprise team of the NFC, and the Steelers are bringing back too much talent and have too good of a coach to not be considered the favorites to return to the championship game.

Here's the rest of the AFC playoff field, as we (actually, I) see it.

AFC East champ: Patriots.

AFC North champ: Steelers.

AFC South champ: Titans.

AFC West champ: Chargers.

Wild cards: Bengals and Colts.

For the NFC, here's what we've got.

NFC East champ: Redskins.

NFC North champ: Vikings.

NFC South champ: Saints.

NFC West champ: Seahawks.

Wild cards: Packers and Falcons.

I like the Pats to make it to the AFC title game, and the Vikings to get to the NFC championship.

Again, we all make these predictions because we have to. No one really knows how the season will play out. There are too many moving parts and factors beyond anyone's control.

But, hey, if I end up being right, you'll never hear the end of it.

I admire PFT's bravery... but they just barely missed being 100% accurate. A Steelers win over the Redskins? Fuck that. The Skins already own a big "W" over those pussies from Ohi-- I mean Pittsburgh this year. Suck it Pittsburgh. I hate you. And Hams.

-K

5,000,000 HITS and THE NFL SEASON BEGINS

FUCK YEA

Shocker of the year, Hams and I got lazy and didn't come anywhere near finishing our half-assed and lackadaisical NFL Previews. But that didn't stop you morons from visiting our site En Masse, as we recently crossed the 5 Million Hits Mile Stone!

/Crotch Chop at KSK

Now, even though we don't have souls, we feel bad about shirking you dickbags by not following through on our promises. So what are we going to do?

Well we're going to make like a couple of parents who were too lazy to find a Tickle Me Elmo for their kid, bought him the Bananas in Pajamas toy instead, and then blamed it on Santa. AKA, we're going to give you a lesser product and then pass the buck onto someone else...


COP-OUT!!

So, like the Analysts at ESPN and CNNSI, I'm going to finish the NFC Previews with my predictions with absolutely no explanations for these predictions.

Division Winners
NFC West- Seahawks
NFC Central- Vikings
NFC South- Saints
NFC East- Eagles (Ugh)

Wild Cards
Giants
Redskins

NFC Championship
Redskins over Seahawks

Super Bowl:
Redskins over (just a hunch of what Steamed Hams's AFC Champ will be) The Steelers!

And a giant erection in my pants.


Now THIS is a transition

In the spirit of things, I will now offer my ANALysis of tonight's NFL Opener, complete with a BOLD preDICKtion.

Titans vs. Steelers

Kerry Collins throws for 600 yards, 4 TDs, and 1 Rushing TD... all after tossing back a handle of Wild Turkey during the pregame.

Kenny Britt catches for 600 yards, 4 TDs, and wastes away on my fantasy bench because I won't have the stones to start him.

Chris Johnson rushes for 300 Yards, 2 TDs

LenWhale White rushes for 8 yards, and 8 TDs

Rob Bironas kicks 12 FGs and 14 XPs

---

Roethlisberger goes out early with a concussion, Kordell "Slash" Stewart and Touchdown Tommy Maddox take over the reins and are ineffective.

Everyone else on the Steelers dies.

Final Score:
Titans: 134
Steelers: 6 (Slash lives up to his nickname and knocks a couple of 70 Yard Field Goals through the uprights)
----

So there you have it. Solid Fantasy analysis and 100% bona-fide predictions. Bank on it.

-Mr. K

AFC West, the NFC West of the AFC

Steamed Hams here, and we're going to continue the NFL preview coverage with another god awful division, the AFC West. The West might just be the gayest division in all of sports. There's San Diego, the Raiders (gay eye-patched pirates), Broncos (well-hung ponies) and, um, the Chiefs. To sum up the division in 2008, Denver shit the bed and the Chargers came through in the "clutch" to reach a stellar record of 8-8 and make the playoffs, where this happened:



But the champs' preview is for another day, let's get to the prognostic(masturb)ations.

San Diego Chargers
2008 Record: 8-8



Key Players:
Philip Rivers Cuomo, LaDainian "Mike Tomlin"son, Shawne Merriman, Luis Castillo, and basically any other defensive player who fails a drug test. The only player in Chargers history not worthy of steaming hate is that badass Aussie punter that used to jack people up.

The Chargers will once again win the division this year, by virtue of the other three teams being exceptionally pathetic. Any other result would be an absolute disappointment. Merriman's back, full of rapey goodness and horse steroids, and Rivers is fairly legit, as douchey as he is.

But let's face it, the Chargers have no chance at doing anything significant in the postseason. The whole organization, from the team name, to the stupid song, to the awful stadium just seems like some lame 70's gimmick. The only thing missing is Wes Mantooth whipping Paul Rudd with a chain in the parking lot.


Predicted Finish: 10-6, not because they improved, but because everyone else got worse.

Kansas City Chiefs
2008 Record: 2-14



Key Players: Matt Cassell, Larry "Big" Johnson, Bernard Pollard

Some people are speculating that the Chiefs could be decent this year -- those people should be wearing helmets to protect their retarded brains. Ooo they got Matt Cassell! He was a Patriot! He went 11-5! Against the worst schedule in the NFL! With a team that went 18-1 the year before! He lost every important game he played and failed to make the playoffs!

Analysts, shut the fuck up. The Chiefs are going to be horrid. Gonzalez is gone, LJ is worthless without a decent O-line, and one of their big offseason acquisitions is Ashley Lelie, you know, the guy you pick in the 20th round of the fantasy draft because you went to go rub one out and set it to autodraft.

The only bright spot on the team is Bernard Pollard, who has been granted a lifetime exemption from all criticism for his fine charitable work in Week 1 of 2008.


Predicted finish: 2-14


Oakland Raiders
2008 Record: 5-11



Key Players: Janikowski, that Nigerian cornerback

Look, I don't know shit about the Raiders, and why should I? They are the worst organization in pro sports, narrowly edging out the Pittsburgh Pirates. I mean, their most well-known player is a drunk fat-ass kicker who may or may not even still play for them, I'm too lazy to fact-check. I'm picking them second in the division only because I expect Denver to plummet like a fucking rock. And if you're wondering why this post took a sudden turn for the worse, it's because I'm drunk and decided to finish this at 3 a.m. Count Chocula and the Raiders will win maybe four games this season, then trade up in the draft to take Tim Tebow with the second pick. You heard it here! Tebow will line up with other college greats Robert Gallery and Jamarcus Russell, and lead the silver and black to glory. Not! Look, I took the BART across the bay through Oakland once, and it was one of the most depressing place I've ever seen, probably tied with Gary, Indiana for the title of America's foreskin crust. Also, what's up with that picture? I found it on some latino guy's myspace page.

Predicted finish: 6-10

Denver Broncos
2008 Record: 8-8



Key Players: Eddie "Winslow" Royal, Brandon Marshall "football plane crash tragedy"

Most underrated mascot in the gay department. Just look at it, a fire-crotched pony with an attitude — how fearsome! All you need to know about the Denver Broncos is that they will be awful. Kyle Orton is terrible, like 95% of all quarterbacks to ever come from the Big 10 (Brady and Brees excepted). Knowshon Moreno will probably get a lot of carries this season, so I guess that is notable. But he will probably tear an ACL by week four and be forgotten forever. Sorry!

The Broncs may have a decent defense this year, led by the newly acquired Brian Dawkins. But seriously, when was the last time a defensive acquisition made a big difference for a team? Answer: Never! Especially you, Brian Dawkins, not only were you an Eagle, but you are probably best known for wearing a visor, great legacy.

But seriously, could this franchise do much more to get worse? Shanahan was a solid coach, but the front office apparently wasn't happy with the two Super Bowl rings and constant playoff presence that he provided them. Cutler and Plummer were both sensitive pussies, but could find ways to win some games at quarterback. Also, Jason Elam was shown the door last year. I mean, I know the guy wrote a Christian thriller about a football-related terrorist attack, but that's really no reason to release a guy who cranks out last-second 50-yard field goals like I bust nuts to memories of a certain Arctic Fox.

Predicted finish:; 4-12

Mr. Kennedy's 2009 NFC West Preview!!!

There is so much intrigue in the NFC West that I had to double check which teams were actually in the division (in spite of being quite brushed up on the NFL). This division was the worst in the NFL last year, yet somehow produced the NFC representative to the Super Bowl behind the geriatric right arm of Kurt Warner (hooray Cybertronics). Let’s start with the lone playoff team from the division a year ago, the previously mentioned Stanford Cardinal.

Arizona Cardinals
2008 Record: 8-8

Key Players:
Larry “Csonka” Fitzgerald, Kurt “Kittner” Warner, Aeneas Williams

Ok I’m just kidding about Aeneas Williams. I really meant to write Pat Tillman, hard hitting safety. Oh I’m just kidding about that too. He can’t cover anyone and moves like a corpse when he’s out on the field.

Truth be told, the Cardinals are the utter definition of a mediocre team that caught absolute lightning at the exact right time. They were so bad on defense last year (until the playoffs), that even a team (the Redskins) led by a Mentally Handicapped Mouth Breather at QB (Jason Campbell) put up 24 pts on them.

That said, this team will challenge for the division based solely on the fact that their offense is Swine Flu Sick. I expect Matt Leinart to be starting by week 3 and to win the NFL MVP this year, especially since (didn’t you hear), banging hot sluts now will count towards a team’s total score. Larry Fitzgerald is a first round fantasy pick this year and, if Beanie Wells can stay healthy, their running game should be vastly improved from last year, when “Tiny” Tim Hightower and Edgerrin James “Brown” led an anemic attack.

Still, these are the Goddam Cardinals. And remember what happened following their last successful season? 10 years of shit. So much like the elusive Cicada, don’t expect to see a good Cardinals team to re-emerge for another decade.

Predicted Finish: 7-9, 2nd NFC West


Seattle Seahawks
2008 Record: 4-12

(No Picture for the Seahawks because this preview is boring just like the team)

Key Players:
Matt Hasslebeck, Julius Jones, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Lofa Tatupu, Walter Jones R.I.P

This team was atrocious last year. And, although many will say they were unlucky with injuries, I say that their injured players just didn’t want to suit up for games in Seattle (one of the shittiest cities on the planet). I don’t blame them, and I especially don’t blame Fratty Matt Hasslebeck, one of the smartest players in the game). This team really isn’t that good either, but they’re better than the rest of the trash in that division. Housh is overrated but better than the schlups they had last year (Deion Branch, Koren Robinson, Bobby Engram???-Sorry Steamed Hams). Julius “June” Jones is also a steaming pile of Steve McNair’s brains, so don’t expect him to factor that much. I predict they go winless at home because they hate their city so much, but win every game on the road and make the playoffs, just because Matt Hasslebeck is pissed that the playoffs weren’t as boring last year as they normally are (when he’s playing in some of the games). What a bitter fuck.

Predicted Finish: 8-8, Lose in NFC Championship (at home)


San Franciscan Monks
2008 Record: 7-9 Reallllly?

Key Players:
(Benjamin) Frank(lin) Gore and St. Patrick Willis

I was legit stunned to see that a team helmed by an obvious Irish Alcoholic (J.T O’ Sullivan) and Shaun “Dru” Hill finished with a somewhat respectable record. But alas, I suppose a bunch of teams who were out of the Playoffs (Cough*Redskins*Cough) decided to do heroine the night before and weren’t really feeling up for the game. But as Kurtis Blow once said, “Those are the breaks”.

Frank Gore, when he’s not busy stampeding asshole safari-goers, is busy stampeding the dreams of whichever person makes the mistake of drafting him in their fantasy draft. Why? Because he’s an alumnus of the “U”, which we all know is the primo breeding ground for lazy and irresponsible athletes.

Ahh the memories:

Anyways, this team is always a sexy pick to be vastly improved, and it never is. This team will either go 16-0 or 4-11-1. And I’m gonna go with the height of Shakira for my pick.

Predicted Finish: 4-11-1

St. Louis Rams
2008 Record: 2-14

Key Players:
Steven “Michael” Jackson, Marc “Pants” Bulger, Orlando Pace Maker

Orlando Pace doesn’t play for them anymore? Marc Bulger is hurt? Steven Jackson is going to die after carrying the ball 740 times this year? Well at least they get to beat my Redskins in week 2 (just like they beat them last year)… otherwise this team isn’t winning shit.

Predicted Finish: 1-15

So there you have it. Informative, insightful, and incestuous. Check back for Steamed Hams’s AFC previews!

Hey, Fuck you

That's right, dildos...



as Steamed Hams, my esteemed colleague, so eloquently put it, we're back after an extended hiatus of laziness and general non-creativity. But that all comes to an end starting today. Because while you GDIs of the world have been running amok, acting like douches, we've been recruiting help and planning your demise. We've brought in the big gunz...



aka big carz. Because if we wanted big gunz, we'd have brought in Plaxico Burress to say a few words. As is, drunken manslaughter is funnier.

So yes, check back for our season preview which should prove to be 2 things:

1) Offensive and
2) Completely devoid of any useful information.




Yeaaaa Asianzzzzzz

WE'RE BAAAAACK

Summer vacation is over bitches! The GS staff is back in action, all pent up with rage and vitriol to be spewed across the foreheads of the lamest geeds in the worlds of football, pop culture, retarded politics aaaand um, well mostly football. So strap yourself in, because first up will be our totally unique NFL division-by-division previews!

The Winter X Games

Note: The following post is postdated from the Sunday before the Super Bowl... it's still sweet)

The Winter X Games are ridiculous. Granted, there are a few sweet competitions, but overall it’s just a bunch of crunchy dread-wearing freaks who don’t wash their faces and thus have uncontrollable acne even though they’re 27 years old. Look, skiing is basically one of the frattiest things you can do. But aside from skiing, there really isn’t much to be seen on the mountains. Snowboarding is for losers who spend half of their time sitting on their asses in the middle of the slope, pretending they’re relaxing when it’s clearly the case that they’re just not good enough to get down the mountain on their feet.

I’m not taking anything away from the really talented snowboarders. You have to give those guys credit because they’re actually good. I just despise the people who just rock the “snowboarding mountain hippy” persona just because they think it’s cool to be extreme. Conversely, skiers who pretend to be a lot better than they are are just as annoying. I don’t discriminate.

But the X Games (the “X” stands for EXTREME, get it!?!?) barely focus on the talented skiers and snowboarders of the world. The event that popped on as I was perusing through ESPN was Women’s Half Pipe. Talk about absolute trash. Their biggest tricks we’re basically glorified 180s 2 feet above the pipe. I’d say 90% of the competitors fell on their asses. The other 10%? Well they were the medal winners. Congrats on your huge accomplishment.

I saw a preview for a Snowmobile Trick Competition. C’mon. The announcers were talking excitedly about the possibility of someone doing a double backflip with a snowmobile. Last I checked, this was earth, and not Candyland. As the great philosopher Owen Wilson once said, “I'd like to be (a cowboy) from Arizona or (a pimp) from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.” Doing backflips on a snowmobile is preposterous. You might as well be pogo sticking across a frozen lake or trying to fly a hot air balloon into space. Idiots.

And that’s the kind of schlock that makes up the Winter X Games. A bunch of Mountain Dew swigging, sawdust bathing, gross dread wearing, Jnco Jeans dressing weirdos getting together for the Super Bowl of people who don’t like American Football. Why else do you think they hold it on one of the most miserable weekends of the year (the Sunday before the Super Bowl)?

Author’s Note: This is an addendum done after I saw the biggest travesty ever. I decided to do a little more research on this joke of an event, and I was stunned to see that I hadn’t touched upon the most egregious example of idiocy. This particular event was a “Snowboard Big Air” event. I came to watch this debacle near the very end. It was the finals of the contest. One of these contestants was from Switzerland or something. He was good. The other guy was named Simon Dumont or something of that ilk. Simon Dumont.

SIMON DUMONT.

What nationality do you think he is?

Well, either he’s an anglo saxon or he’s a frenchie. It’s either Doo-Mont or Doo-Mon. Either way, he’s NOT what the announcers said he was.

Native American. Oh by the way. That’s him below.


After I swallowed my own vomit, choked and died, and resurrected myself just to do this post, I managed to watch the finals of this contest. The first guy, the Swede or whatever he was, did an awesome maneuver. Then Chief Tonto Simon Dumont did a double frontflip, which only sounds impressive until you hear what the announcer said: that the trick was first done 20 years ago, and that the Swedish guy’s move is an utterly unique move named after the competitor himself…HIMSELF.

So you figure, “this is a legit competition. The better “athlete” is sure to win.”

Well you are wrong. Because this is the Winter Farce/Fake/Moron Games. How does the champion get decided?

A TEXT MESSAGE VOTE FROM THE FANS.

So who wins? The NATIVE AMERICAN named Simon Dumont. And it wasn’t close. 75%-25%.

I’m glad I got to witness this travesty, because it just gives more legitimacy to my claim that the X GAYmes are the most ridiculous thing ever. They are to sports what Prince is to weightlifting.

I have one thing to say to the people who get excited for the Winter X Games: Get Out.

And if you texted in, at any point, to vote for any contest in the X Games, I have this to say to you: Go Fuck Yourself. I hope your Son/Daughter is born handicapped.

-Mr. K

P.S- Congrats to GS for hitting the 2,000,000 mark on visitors to the site!

Steamed Hams sounds off

My job involves watching high school basketball a couple times a week. Sounds sweet right? Just spend about a third of the work day watching sports and taking pictures? Not as sweet as it sounds. Why? Because basketball in suburban/rural areas is garbage.

This is NOT entertaining

The torture starts from the beginning. The teams take the floor in their warmup suits, and at least five layers of extraneous t-shirts, shorts and cut-off shirts over their uniforms. They run a lap around the court in a line, which seamlessly transitions into the tip drill. If the players are especially skilled, they can also slap the backboard with each pass. The soundtrack to this display of athleticism is invariably a collection of the latest jamz by mainstream rappers. When I was in middle school, my basketball team entered the floor to DMX's "...And then were was X". Damn, that must have intimidated the shit out of our opponents. Now I'm not hating on rap, few things get you more jacked than a sick bass line and Murphy Lee hook. The problem is, if you are blaring rap while doing something you suck at, you look like a fucking idiot.

These are examples of not sucking, set to rap music

After the warmups comes player introductions. The teams will form a little human tunnel for the starters to run through. Everyone claps a sweet rhythm like, "clap-clap clap, clap-clap clap" Ohhhh shit SON I'M SO AMPED. After a player's name is announced, he runs through the high five tunnel and, now this is essential, meets a teammate who is stationed at the opening of the tunnel, and engages in a flying chest bump or an intricate high-five. This greeter is ALWAYS white. If the team is all-white (likely) he is the fat senior on the team who wears a t-shirt under his jersey. After all the starters are introduced the team will then meet at mid-court to join arms in a circle and do an embarassing breakdown dance.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more awkward, the game starts. You'd think that since all the players are white, you'd see some decent shooting, good ball control and strong fundamentals. Wrong. Oh sure the players will shoot a lot of jump shots, but they will miss 90% of them. They will also miss an inexplicably high amount of lay-ups and free throws. Are you kidding me? What they fuck else are you doing in practice, that you only shoot 40% from the line? The only people with an excuse for sucking at free throws are freaks with giant hands and people athletic enough to dunk. People who can dunk can, and should, spend as much time as possible working on wind mill dunks in practice. If the closest you have come to dunking is grabbing the net and climbing up the the rim, then you should be shooting a thousand free throws a day. There is also a jump ball every five seconds. But not because the players are "scrappy", rather it is because they can't possess the fucking ball for longer than two dribbles without bouncing it off their knees.

After 32 minutes of 2-1-2 defense and Princeton backdoor offense, the score will be somewhere around 42-31. The final 60 seconds of game time will take 5 hours, because white people are bred to NEVER give up. This means intentionally fouling even though you are losing by 10 with three seconds left. After more missed foul shots and hideous line drive three pointers, the game will eventually, mercifully, end.

Now, Mr. Kennedy and I got to at times see some quality high school hoops. Which makes us better than you. If you've never had the opportunity to see a classmate throw down a sick dunk or taunt a future NBA player about his freakish skin condition, then you just haven't lived.

It's Time for a Rant

***Warning, Do Not Read this Post if you don't want the ending ruined for you... not like it matters***



How in the FUCK did "No Country for Old Men" win the Oscar for best picture? Allow me to explain something to all you aspiring filmmakers out there (xXx films or otherwise). When you make a movie, in order for it to be good, you must have a beginning, a middle, and an END. In porno, the worst films are those with no moneyshot, no climax, nothing. When the screen just fades to black, well that's just lazy.

"No Country" is, for 80% of the duration, a solid film. It builds great tension. The bad guy is fucking awesome. But then, inexplicably, the makers of this story/movie decided to bend the viewer over (who just invested 2 hours of his time), and anally violate him/her. Without lube. With sandpaper covering their dongs.

Here is the ending:

Tommy Lee Jones laments the fact that he's an old bag of bones. Then it fades to black. There is no resolution to this movie. Apparently all of the good guys die, the bad guy gets away, and Tommy Lee Jones (the laziest cop in the history of mankind and who does absolutely nothing the entire movie to curb any of the bad things that are going on) talks to some random people who we've never seen before about how he sucks at life.

How does that rub you? Because that rubbed me the wrong way. I stared at the screen for a moment, jaw dropped, and exited On Demand. Thank God I didn't pay a cent for this pile of dirt, because it would have been a bigger waste of money than the Calzaghe-Roy Jones Jr. fight I purchased. And that was a Titanic-sized waste of dinero.

Look, some movies are 100% good and then have a terrible ending, bringing the quality down to 70% or whatever. Some movies are 50% good, and then the ending is 100% awesome, bringing the movie to 80%. But this movie, which is pretty much 100% good for 100 minutes, has ZERO ending. And when that happens friend, there is one, simple, undeniable fact:

The movie gets 0 Stars, 0 %, 2 Thumbs Down. To put my hatred for this movie in perspective, I gave Sorority Boys, National Security, and Head of State positive reviews. In a school newspaper. For everyone to see.

I hate a bunch of movies, but this is the WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN.

Now to segue into a rant against a different entity. I fucking despise you people who pretended to like this movie. Don't give me "Different strokes for different folks". That's bullshit. When you buy a car with a 10,000 mile warranty and that shit breaks down at 9,000 miles, you will be compensated. If you don't, you get ripped off. This is a simple principle, people. No Country for Old Men is a Hyundai that broke down at 9,000 miles, and the Coen Brothers (the bags of shit who directed this), didn't help us out at all.

You fucking film critics should siphon an entire gas tank out of a Humvee. Except, instead of dispensing it elsewhere, you should do the world a solid, swallow the gas, and then eat a lit match.

Anyone who says they liked this movie is lying because they heard a bunch of other liars say they liked it. BUT I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS, MY FELLOW AMERICANS!

Let the campaign against these con artists and this rip-off of a movie begin here. I want its Oscar revoked, and I want all DVDs, film footage, Video files, etc. of this movie deleted from existence. And we shall never speak of it again!!!!

Amen.

-Mr. K.

Ringing in the New Year- Frattiest Main Characters Ever

With the immaculate conception of this blog, I posted a list of top 10 sweetest movies of all time. It amused me immensely while I was writing that, so tonight, as I still recover from a New Year's Debacle, I figured I would follow suit on that post and wax poetic on my ten favorite main frat characters ever.

A side note: I won't waste your time on guys from Frat affairs like Animal house with Blutarsky. And Old School wasn't really frat at all, so you will see none of those fools here. This list focuses on the main characters in films that don't give a shit. Enjoy.
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10) Tony Stark- Ironman

Gotta start this list off with a bang. Fruitcakes like Peter Parker and Clark Kent won't appear here because they S-T-I-N-K. Tony S., on the other hand, bangs hots chicks, makes tons of bank, and saves the day... all while wearing a codpiece that accentuates his junk. Oh btw, how did he make his money? War profiteering! No, this blog isn't a pro-war organization... however, there is something to be said for a guy who makes millions of bone-dawgs off of WMDs.

9) Peter Gibbons- Office Space

If you have to ask why this guy blows the roof off this place, then you should go skydiving with a table cloth. Look, he hates his job and his girlfriend... so he stops caring about his job, bangs Jen Aniston, and catches trophy fish. It makes me mad that GDIs like this movie, because the "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta" montage is the epitome of FRAT. Only a true Frat Lord could pull that shit off.

8) Marv- Sin City

I guess he's technically not the main character in Sin City, but nobody really is. Ok, maybe Bruce Willis. But we're gonna suspend our rule for one place and let Marv in here. He's ugly, angry, SURLY. And he goes to town for a prostitute. Risks his life, even. Ok, so he's too dumb to realize that the chick he's helping later on is a twin, but he does fuck up Elijah Wood, a true king among the pantheon of GDIs.

7) Han Solo- Star Wars

Damn, I break the rule twice. Han is likely the 3rd billing on the Star Wars billboard. But, ultimately, his actor earned top billing. Bangs his best friend's sister (Leah), flies the frattiest ship in the universe (the Falcon), holds court with a huge hairy bastard that likes ripping off people's limbs ('Bacca). And to top it all off, he refuses to carry a fruity lightsaber like those 'mos Luke Skywalker and Ben 2 3PO. Oh did I mention that he porks Princess Leah?

6) El Mariachi- Desperado

Admittedly, I couldn't remember what this character's name was... but then again, I viewed this film over a decade ago. I don't even remember the plot. But I think El Mariachi had a close contact murdered by some asshole. So El Mariachi walks around with a case full of weapons. And he kills a fuckload of people. And he also bangs the bejeezus out of Salma Hayek. How many of you can ever claim that? Exactly.

5) Rocky Balboa- Rocky IV

I only cite Rocky IV, and with reason. Rocky was a 'tard in Rocky 1. He lost. He avenged his defeat in Rocky 2, just because his GF wanted him too. He beat Mr. T in Rocky 3 after his manager had a heart attack (it was pretty depressing overall. Rocky 5 was a trainwreck. Rocky 6 was kinda cool, but you can't get past the fact that Balboa was 60 during the fight... and that Stallone got caught with HGH in Australia.

Rocky IV was the BALLS because it was right in the middle of the Steroids movement. Look at Drago and Rocky. You think they got those bodies by pure lifting and a healthy diet? NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But it was still sooooo awesome. Drago kills Rocky's closest friend. So what does Rocky do? Go to the Siberian Tundra and train his ass off... beat Drago... and END the Cold War.

"If he can change, and the USSR can change, then FUCK IT!!!!"

4) Jack Sparrow- The Black Pearl



Get outta here.

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Now we get busy. The best of the best. The creme de la creme.

3) Frank Dux- Bloodsport

Bloodsport was #1 on my top 10 movies. Dux falls to #3 because the man does not match the movie. He's a healthy guy whose only motivation is pride. He doesn't murder anybody. He's not avenging or defending anyone/anything. And yet, the fact that he kicks the fuck out of Chong Li vaults him all the way to #3. He taps out his #1, undefeatable enemy. Van Damme is frat. He crushes young babes like a 4 year old builds sandcastles. 1 word: Kumite.

2) William Wallace- Braveheart

Ouch, this hurts. I really want him at #1. And, until 2 years ago, I'd have put him here. No, I don't demote him because of his anti-semitism. Not at all. I demote him because a role has come across that has outshadowed him. But, let's give William his due. His babe got murdered, so Wallace started a fucking war against a tyrant that led to his independence. He was pretty sure he'd die, but he didn't know for sure. Had it not been for some assbag turning on him, he might have won by himself. His country ultimately won, and that's awesome. But it isn't as awesome as.....

1) King Leonidas- 300


Can you deal with that?

300 men vs. hundreds of thousands? Knowing you would die, for sure? Fighting anyways, because you believed in the democratic way??

Motivating your nation to overthrow a true tyrant?!



Watch that movie and this scene and try not shedding a man tear for your main man Leonidas. I dare you.

- By Spartan Law, we lie.

Phellatio in Philadelphia

Well, the matchup of the century has arrived. ST JOE'S VS. SIENA. Hams supports Siena (fruits), while I am a St. Joe's fellow. This is my chance to exact revenge for the debacle that occurred in FedEx in November. Check back later as one of us talks mad shit on the other.

-Kennedy