Phellatio in Philadelphia

Well, the matchup of the century has arrived. ST JOE'S VS. SIENA. Hams supports Siena (fruits), while I am a St. Joe's fellow. This is my chance to exact revenge for the debacle that occurred in FedEx in November. Check back later as one of us talks mad shit on the other.

-Kennedy

So as you know, the Steelers lost today, and with the loss they are locked into the No. 2 seed. Whatever, we suck at home in the playoffs anyway. But you know what is sweet? All the teams I hate aren't in very good positions. Let's see, the Patriots and Ravens are both battling for the prestigious 6th seed in the AFC. The Ravens, as you know, are the fakest franchise in professional sports. The Atlanta Thrashers, Oklahoma City Thunder and Tampa Bay Mutiny all have better histories than you. Your team is actually from Cleveland, but you act as if they've been a part of your town for a century. You know why else you suck? Because that guy on the Best Buy commercial from Maryland is fucking annoying. I hate how you say the letter "O", you queer. You pronounce "phone" "phune" and it makes me want to stuff my cat into the pellet stove. Accents like that aren't cool, they are signs of mild retardation. But then again, you are a salesman at Best Buy, so it makes sense.

On the NFC side, the situation is a bit more dire for the teams I hate, the Cowboys and Eagles. Yesterday the Cowboys and Ravens played, and I faced a moral dilemma. Whoever lost was likely fucked, while the other squad would be in good shape for the postseason. Like most of you, I was rooting for God to send Dallas Stadium to an early grave by letting a few giant drops of God splooge flood the building. It would look a bit like this:



That would be the greatest Christmas miracle ever granted to man. Two miserable teams and 80,000 Cowboys fans drowning on God's seed. Meanwhile, Philadelphia is basically fucked. Irishman Donovan McNabb clearly spent too much time boozing at Mass and planning the next Knights of Columbus meeting as he put up an awful performance. The Eagles are fucked, and it will hurt all their lame fans even more when they look outside and realize they live in eastern Pennsylvania in December.

Workout Blog

One thing that GDIs don't do is lift. Lifting is a staple of a sweet dude's life. That's why GDIs avoid it. They don't want to be sweet. They don't want hair on their balls. They want concave chests and measly triceps. I haven't had an upbeat post on here in a while. So I'm going to change that by taking you through my workout as I do it today. I have all of my lifting equipment in my apartment. That is:

Benchpress
35 Pound Dumbells
Adjustable Dumbells that can go as high as 100 lbs each
Medicine Ball
Adjustable bench for incline, decline, shoulder presses as well as ab routines
And a jug of N.O Xplode

I have already downed one glass of Xplode (I also rubbed one out on my go-to paysite www.videobox.com (NSFW). Some would say that busting a fat nut will take away needed testosterone. But when you have an excess of testosterone, like me, it's good to purge before working out, lest you break down your apartment wall.

1:30- Mixed another glass of N.O Xplode

1:33- My limbs are twitching with an excess of caffeine, excitement, and weirdness.

1:34- Heart is pumping out of my chest (2nd glass is halfway done).

Kanye is pumping off the IPod. He's a doosh but he makes nice jams.

The shitty bowl game is rocking on mute on the TV... the lifting atmosphere is just right.

1:36-Take a picture of myself for post:


This is me.

1:37- Take another huge swig of N.O Xplode. One more swig and it's off to the benchpress for 3 set.

1:40- N.O Xplode finished. 1 minute rest... then off to bench.

1:49- Just finished 3 sets on bench 1x8, 1x8, 1x6... all at 185 which is low for me. But I haven't lifted for about a week due to the flu. My pant serpent stands at full attention. Looking for a minute of rest, then doing some dumbell flypresses... because a sure fire way to tell if someone is a geed who happens to lift is that they have fairly big pecs in the middle, but their outsides are flabby and flaccid.


Pussy

2:00 PM- Just finished 3 sets of dumbbell flys. 3x15 at 35 lbs. each. I love the burn on the pecs. Like Herpes or hemorrhoids (I'd imagine). I smell like Jennifer McC_____ (she was the stinky chick in my grade school. Every year, we'd get put into different classes and, no matter what, she always ended up in my class... I hope it wasn't because I was a stinky kid too...:\)


This is her as a child...smelly

2:05- Now on to triceps... because, in case you Geeds didn't know, triceps account for 75% of your arms size... you're welcome for that tidbit of info, dooshes.

2:12- 3 sets of 20 of 35 lbs each arm tricep extensions... that wasn't English but... fuck you.

50 Cent- Get Up comes on... FUCK YEA...

time for forearms.


Mine look like this

2:22- Just finished 3 sets of forearm curls. These kill your arms, so that's basically the end of upper body work outs. It's on to abs.

Sidenote: If you're sitting there, wondering, "4 exercises? You pussy"... then you're an idiot. There is no point in doing multiple exercises for the same muscle group. Studies show that 95% of your pump and results come from the first exercise. Anything else is extraneous. Those dumbasses who work out for 2 hours are wasting their time. Get the eff out.

I was just listening to Crazytown- "Darkside" on the Ipod. Doubt how hardcore that shit is? Look at the lyrics:

Punk rock, shell toes,
Horns and halos.
Wicked white wings and
And pointed tails.
Devil's eyes and nine inch nails
Nocturnal renegades.
The eternal drug raid.
I go by the name of
Mr. Shifty Switchblade.
Getting paid in the shade,
As lyrics ricochet,
Off the walls
From the ceiling to the floor,
Off the door
And down the hall.
I'm evil like Knievel
Kicking white trash.
Psycho cerebral, palsy, ballsy
Bad ass.
Dressed in black,
From the wrong side of the tracks.
Crazy Town.
Yo, we strike like deep impact.



I'm onto Abs, which is the pussy part of my workout. But honestly, the reason dudes like me lift is 70% to impress the girls, 15% to be able to kick someone's ass, and 15% to impress ourselves with our physique and ability to put up a lot of weight.


Photo of a typical Baltimore Ravens Fan

Abs are boring. The N.O. Xplode is wearing off. But it's cool because I'm 3.2% better looking than I was at 1:30. That brings me to about 99.932%.

In summary, here's what you need to know:

I hate fat people. I hate geeds. I hate the Cowboys, Eagles, Ravens, and Steelers. I love porn. I'm a Libra. I like tunes that consist of techno, country, rap, rock, and FRANKIE SINATRA. And I am James Bond.


Another photo of yours truly.

PHUKK the Redskins

I threw this post on Christopher Cooley's Blog because, well, that blog has gone from amusing to enormously irresponsible.

Tanner, Christ Cooley's brother, is a little SLIMEBALL with a tampon shoved up his asshole. He deletes anyone's post that asks why our favorite football team sucks.

I had a long, well thought-out post on one of CC's posts. And TANNER "I LIKE BEING A GIGANTIC ASS HAT" COOLEY deleted it.

I obviously went to the post below that. And I posted the following:

"By the way. Waaaaah. A Couple bitter season ticket holders (like me) ask for answers, and the entire OVERPAID Redskins squad dismisses us.

Geezus. Get real. Cooley (Chris, not Tanner, because Tanner is a J O K E) has one of the best jobs on earth.

Listen Tanner. I get paid middle class wage. If I underperform, my boss chews me out. That is how America works. Or should work.

When a Washington Redskin underperforms (KNOWING THAT THEY'RE GETTING PAID EXPONENTIALLY MORE THAN THE REST OF US), we reserve the RIGHT to make him feel like crap. CP, JC, ARE, etc.....OVERPAID. I said it.

"Boo effing hoo. We get paid millions of dollars in a recession economy. How DARE fans hold us accountable for our job performance?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?"

Seriously. This is how our economy SHOULD work. Accountability. When the Redskins blow (as players), our fans are going to follow suit.

I have tickets in section 426 for the Eagles game next week (Season Ticket holder/IDIOT), but guess what???????????????

I'll save my 40 dollar parking ticket by staying at home in baltimore. (Watching the team LOSE on tv is better than paying 150+ to watch this squad full of heartless B@$TARDS lose in person)

Amen

Delete me TT.

-----


Is that not correct and semi-rational? No wonder our economy is absolutely FUKKKKKKKED!!!!!!!!!!!


Enter rant:

That is simple economics. A product, as long as it's good, will command revenue.

The Redskins, as a product, are BROKEN. This is how things work in a Supply-and-Demand economy!!!! So, guess what? I COMMAND THE REST OF THE REDSKINS-CONSUMER NATION TO BOYCOTT WITH ME.

Fuck Snyder. Fuck that team that's filled with heartless ballerinas. If you want 2 tickets to lvl 426, post in the comment section (no, Hams, you don't count.... not like you'd want these two worthless pieces of cardboard anyways).

See you all in hell.

KENNEDY

It ain't what you think it is....

You might expect this post to lament the latest Redskins debacle. But neigh. It shall not go that way. Instead, it's time to look at funny t shirts.

PS-Fuck the Redskins.

Snow Day!

Remember the sheer joy of a snowday? I grew up in Upstate New York, so we saw our fair share of snow/ice/wintry mix. On top of that, the pub(l)ic school I attended was notorious for cancelling school at the mere sight of frozen precipitation. Seriously, I tell people who grew up an hour away from me where I went to school, and they remember how often my school got snowdays. For those of you who never got to experience the thrill of finding out you didn't have to go to school, I'll give you a play-by-play on how it develops.

NIGHT BEFORE: Your mom or dad tells you that you are expected to get snow to overnight. The weatherman foresees eight inches of powder dropping on your town like a ten-man bukkake on a geisha's face. FUCK YEA. You immediately stop doing your homework, banking on the fact that you won't be seeing your dick teachers the next morning. Now, if you were able to think rationally, you would just finish your assignments tonight so you could truly enjoy your day off tomorrow, but now that this snow day seed has been planted in your mind, there is zero chance of you being productive. [NOTE: Rarely, the storm looks so massive that school will be canceled the night before. This is perfect, because a school can't go back on its word after issuing this statement. It could end up being 50 degress and sunny the next day, and you get to stay a home and play Jurassic Park on Sega for 15 straight hours.



Get stunned triceratops!

7 A.M.: You wake up. You are too scared to look out the window and be disappointed by a brown landscape. So you anxiously turn on your clock radio and tune it to your favorite station. My go-to frequency was Fly92.3, the "cool" station that played the latest Boyz 2 Men and Cher jamz. Oh snap! They are in the middle of announcing the delays and cancellations. But FUCK, it sounds like you just missed your school in the alphabetical order rundown. So you hop out of bed, take glimpse out the window, and see a few solid inches of the white stuff covering the ground. You try not to get too optimistic, as there have been many occassions where your school cruelly made you show up in these conditions.

7:15 A.M.: So you run out to the living room, where the local news is on. There is a crawl at the bottom of the screen listing all the closings. Nowadays, you could just check the internet, but in the mid-90's the internet was a piece of shit. So again, you settle in and wait for your school to pop up. Your school inches closer and closer. You always look out for the other local district that comes a little earlier in the alphabet, knowing that their decision will likely match your school's. Oh shit, here it comes. You know that the next five seconds will determine your mood for the rest of the day. If you see "CLOSED", you will be fucking euphoric. If instead the crawl skips from "Hudson" to "Johnstown", right over the "I" schools, you will face the longest fucking school day in your life. But on this day, the stars align, and the glorious word "CLOSED" grace the screen. You fucking go berserk. You and your siblings/friends put on your badass one-piece snow suits, gloves, hast, moon boots, five pairs of long socks, and head outside.

7:30 A.M.-5:30 P.M: You tear up the local hill in your plastic sled or tube. Some cool older kid built a ramp at the bottom of the hill, which if you hit at top speed, results in a 75% chance of breaking your leg. You and your friends start a sled wars match. You link up your sleds, so you travel down the slope in a mass of plastic and humanity. On the way down, you shove and punch eachother, trying to separate man from sled. Maybe you will sweep through the knees of some idiot walking up the hill, sending that jackass tumbling back down, that would be a nice bonus. You reach the bottom, and whoever remained on his or her sled is deemed a winner. You walk back up the hill and repeat, all day.

This is one of the greatest ways one could possibly spend a day. However, when you are an adult, as I found out today, you get no snowdays. So I drove across black ice and snow, dodging skidding dump trucks, in order to show up at work. You know what makes this even worse? When your work activities depend on whether or not schools are in session. Because of the nature of my job, when the local high schools are closed, I have absofuckinglutely NOTHING to do. This day is taking forever. I'm 2 hours into work, and I'm bored as fuck. I'm seeing double and when I look at my watch, time has gone BACKWARDS. Jeebus this is going to be a long night.

I don't want to talk about it....

But I just want to say one thing:

Fuck everybody in the Washington Redskins' organization. Easily the most boring team in football to watch, and a team resembles a corpse from "The Temple of Doom".



Anyways, my week is ruined. But I did find the following video extremely enjoyable.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

You Can't Fool Me, You Fucking BUM!!!

Strolling the streets of DC and Baltimore every day, I get to see a vast array of people, places, and THINGS. Fat, ugly, poor, rich, hot, shemales (yea, at the neighborhood CVS), and Rockettes (currently performing here in BMore.

One thing caught me by surprise today:



DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!!!

I saw a homeless person in a wheel chair. As I reached for my 22 cents in pocket change, I gazed through the darkness and realized something:

This person was on the CELL PHONE!!!!!

DA FUCK!?

No money for you! And, if it were legal, I'd have torn your cell phone from your grubby paws and thrown it into oncoming traffic. YOU ARE DOING A COMPLETE DISSERVICE TO OTHER BUMS... You BENEDICT ARNOLD!!!!

So next time you think about throwing some spare change to a fucking hobo, look closely to make sure it's not Billy Gates looking for some change for his next haircut (from a blind person). Even HOMELESS PEOPLE are ripping us off these days.

There are some things I can't Help...

And one of those is being obsessed with the TV Show, Lost. Yea I know what you're saying. "Lost? Isn't that that lame Survivor-ripoff where a bunch of shitheads get stranded on an island? Sounds awful."

That's what I initially thought too. I despised the thought of people religiously following this show. Fucking NERDS.

Then I gave it a chance when I was sunk in the doldrums of unemployment last year. I watched the first 2 episodes, wasn't that impressed, yet persevered. And I was hooked.

This show is so fucking good. And you are doing yourselves a disfavor by not watching it. You can watch every episode, streaming, on ABC.com. I feel like a Lost Drug dealer, pushing my product on unsuspecting victims. But I don't feel bad. All of you peons need to know about this.

Season 5 starts on January 21st. You all have plenty of time to catch up on the show between now and then. But be warned, you might end up watching 6 of these episodes a day. But it's worth it.

Below, I've attached the Season 1 trailer and the Season 5 trailer. It offers a great contrast between where the show was and where it is now.

The Fray is a supremely flaming band. But Lost is so good, that I can deal with their latest single.

Suck it.

What to make of Ludacris?

Ludacris is a tough nut to crack. And I bet he busts a lot of nuts into female cracks.

On one hand, he went on The O Reilly Factor and bitched that Irish bastard out. Then again, so did my uncle... and my uncle isn't that awesome. He never pledged a frat... and is a priest. Unfortunate. But it's admirable nonetheless. Especially when O Reilly basically spews forth racist shenanigans any time he talks about Parappa the Rappahs.

Ludacris is also mad short. So am I. But being short isn't sweet. I cope, but that's because I drink a lot. Not too healthy for my psyche or for my body. Luda copes by banging mad chicks and making millions of dollars. Pretty dice.

'Cris makes some mad Jointz and Jamz... not unlike this one before Black Eyed Peaz turned gay.



Eff that broad Fergie. She used to be addicted to Meth... did you know that?

Most of these things would point to Ludacris being the sickness. But still, he's fucking Ludacris. There's no way to crown him as a sweet dicked dude.

So Ludacris... GS declares, on this day, that you fucking suck. You want to get into the sweet pantheon? I suggest you surround yourself with a bunch of other rappers and become the Wu Tang Clan... maybe the Shang Tsung Clan.



Ludacris, you.... got........ XERVED!!!!

(You need to click that link. It's worth it. Embedding didn't work.)