The Winter X Games

Note: The following post is postdated from the Sunday before the Super Bowl... it's still sweet)

The Winter X Games are ridiculous. Granted, there are a few sweet competitions, but overall it’s just a bunch of crunchy dread-wearing freaks who don’t wash their faces and thus have uncontrollable acne even though they’re 27 years old. Look, skiing is basically one of the frattiest things you can do. But aside from skiing, there really isn’t much to be seen on the mountains. Snowboarding is for losers who spend half of their time sitting on their asses in the middle of the slope, pretending they’re relaxing when it’s clearly the case that they’re just not good enough to get down the mountain on their feet.

I’m not taking anything away from the really talented snowboarders. You have to give those guys credit because they’re actually good. I just despise the people who just rock the “snowboarding mountain hippy” persona just because they think it’s cool to be extreme. Conversely, skiers who pretend to be a lot better than they are are just as annoying. I don’t discriminate.

But the X Games (the “X” stands for EXTREME, get it!?!?) barely focus on the talented skiers and snowboarders of the world. The event that popped on as I was perusing through ESPN was Women’s Half Pipe. Talk about absolute trash. Their biggest tricks we’re basically glorified 180s 2 feet above the pipe. I’d say 90% of the competitors fell on their asses. The other 10%? Well they were the medal winners. Congrats on your huge accomplishment.

I saw a preview for a Snowmobile Trick Competition. C’mon. The announcers were talking excitedly about the possibility of someone doing a double backflip with a snowmobile. Last I checked, this was earth, and not Candyland. As the great philosopher Owen Wilson once said, “I'd like to be (a cowboy) from Arizona or (a pimp) from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.” Doing backflips on a snowmobile is preposterous. You might as well be pogo sticking across a frozen lake or trying to fly a hot air balloon into space. Idiots.

And that’s the kind of schlock that makes up the Winter X Games. A bunch of Mountain Dew swigging, sawdust bathing, gross dread wearing, Jnco Jeans dressing weirdos getting together for the Super Bowl of people who don’t like American Football. Why else do you think they hold it on one of the most miserable weekends of the year (the Sunday before the Super Bowl)?

Author’s Note: This is an addendum done after I saw the biggest travesty ever. I decided to do a little more research on this joke of an event, and I was stunned to see that I hadn’t touched upon the most egregious example of idiocy. This particular event was a “Snowboard Big Air” event. I came to watch this debacle near the very end. It was the finals of the contest. One of these contestants was from Switzerland or something. He was good. The other guy was named Simon Dumont or something of that ilk. Simon Dumont.

SIMON DUMONT.

What nationality do you think he is?

Well, either he’s an anglo saxon or he’s a frenchie. It’s either Doo-Mont or Doo-Mon. Either way, he’s NOT what the announcers said he was.

Native American. Oh by the way. That’s him below.


After I swallowed my own vomit, choked and died, and resurrected myself just to do this post, I managed to watch the finals of this contest. The first guy, the Swede or whatever he was, did an awesome maneuver. Then Chief Tonto Simon Dumont did a double frontflip, which only sounds impressive until you hear what the announcer said: that the trick was first done 20 years ago, and that the Swedish guy’s move is an utterly unique move named after the competitor himself…HIMSELF.

So you figure, “this is a legit competition. The better “athlete” is sure to win.”

Well you are wrong. Because this is the Winter Farce/Fake/Moron Games. How does the champion get decided?

A TEXT MESSAGE VOTE FROM THE FANS.

So who wins? The NATIVE AMERICAN named Simon Dumont. And it wasn’t close. 75%-25%.

I’m glad I got to witness this travesty, because it just gives more legitimacy to my claim that the X GAYmes are the most ridiculous thing ever. They are to sports what Prince is to weightlifting.

I have one thing to say to the people who get excited for the Winter X Games: Get Out.

And if you texted in, at any point, to vote for any contest in the X Games, I have this to say to you: Go Fuck Yourself. I hope your Son/Daughter is born handicapped.

-Mr. K

P.S- Congrats to GS for hitting the 2,000,000 mark on visitors to the site!

Steamed Hams sounds off

My job involves watching high school basketball a couple times a week. Sounds sweet right? Just spend about a third of the work day watching sports and taking pictures? Not as sweet as it sounds. Why? Because basketball in suburban/rural areas is garbage.

This is NOT entertaining

The torture starts from the beginning. The teams take the floor in their warmup suits, and at least five layers of extraneous t-shirts, shorts and cut-off shirts over their uniforms. They run a lap around the court in a line, which seamlessly transitions into the tip drill. If the players are especially skilled, they can also slap the backboard with each pass. The soundtrack to this display of athleticism is invariably a collection of the latest jamz by mainstream rappers. When I was in middle school, my basketball team entered the floor to DMX's "...And then were was X". Damn, that must have intimidated the shit out of our opponents. Now I'm not hating on rap, few things get you more jacked than a sick bass line and Murphy Lee hook. The problem is, if you are blaring rap while doing something you suck at, you look like a fucking idiot.

These are examples of not sucking, set to rap music

After the warmups comes player introductions. The teams will form a little human tunnel for the starters to run through. Everyone claps a sweet rhythm like, "clap-clap clap, clap-clap clap" Ohhhh shit SON I'M SO AMPED. After a player's name is announced, he runs through the high five tunnel and, now this is essential, meets a teammate who is stationed at the opening of the tunnel, and engages in a flying chest bump or an intricate high-five. This greeter is ALWAYS white. If the team is all-white (likely) he is the fat senior on the team who wears a t-shirt under his jersey. After all the starters are introduced the team will then meet at mid-court to join arms in a circle and do an embarassing breakdown dance.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more awkward, the game starts. You'd think that since all the players are white, you'd see some decent shooting, good ball control and strong fundamentals. Wrong. Oh sure the players will shoot a lot of jump shots, but they will miss 90% of them. They will also miss an inexplicably high amount of lay-ups and free throws. Are you kidding me? What they fuck else are you doing in practice, that you only shoot 40% from the line? The only people with an excuse for sucking at free throws are freaks with giant hands and people athletic enough to dunk. People who can dunk can, and should, spend as much time as possible working on wind mill dunks in practice. If the closest you have come to dunking is grabbing the net and climbing up the the rim, then you should be shooting a thousand free throws a day. There is also a jump ball every five seconds. But not because the players are "scrappy", rather it is because they can't possess the fucking ball for longer than two dribbles without bouncing it off their knees.

After 32 minutes of 2-1-2 defense and Princeton backdoor offense, the score will be somewhere around 42-31. The final 60 seconds of game time will take 5 hours, because white people are bred to NEVER give up. This means intentionally fouling even though you are losing by 10 with three seconds left. After more missed foul shots and hideous line drive three pointers, the game will eventually, mercifully, end.

Now, Mr. Kennedy and I got to at times see some quality high school hoops. Which makes us better than you. If you've never had the opportunity to see a classmate throw down a sick dunk or taunt a future NBA player about his freakish skin condition, then you just haven't lived.