Super Bowl Preview Cuntinues (oohhh)

Hams made an outstanding argument yesterday. One could argue that Matt McCg is the Caucasian equivalent of Snoop Dogg, making that one a bit of a wash. However, Hank Williams II has a substantial advantage (in the pants) over Gacy. So I concede a point to the Steelers on that one. Today, I offer a rebuttal.

In the category of Cheerleaders, it isn't even a fair fight. The Steelers, as it were, don't even have official cheerleaders. The Redskins, on the other hand, have one of the most sexually appealing squads in the NFL.

Do I automatically award a point to the Redskins for this? No sir, I do not. For you see, that is a weak argument and a pussy ass cop out. In addition, it would render moot the need for comparative photographz, and that's no fun. As Hams said, the point here is to make my team look as good as possible while degrading the redeeming qualities of his squad. Thus, I will take one photograph that accentuates my Cheerleaders' ASSets while offering up a comically disgusting photo of a Steelers fan's ASSets. Enjoy!

SUPER BOWL WEEK PREVIEW #4

Alright bitches, it's about time for a response. Why haven't a I replied yet? Well, just like our next president John McCain, I prefer to dig myself into a giant hole then try to climb my way out at the last minute, leaving my opponent with very little time to retort. Hey, its working for him right?

Anyway, today we will explore which team has greater celebrity fans. In honor of the election season, I will choose which celebrities based on how they make my argument stronger. The argument being that the Steelers appeal to only the best and brightest of our society, meaning that if you like another team you aren't among of the best and brightest. That's how it works, it's logic.

Now, let us proceed.
Notable Skins fan #1

Matthew McConaughey (source)

Just look at that guy. First of all, he's been in zero good movies. Second of all, who the hell runs like that? Swing your arms you jackass. He is clearly one of those people who runs one mile while listening to an ipod and wearing a complete Under Armor ensemble to get a "workout." These people then proceed to tell you about how they are training for a marathon, and expect you to be so impressed, as if no one has ever completed one before. Have you ever seen a marathon on TV? Theres like 80,000 people in each one. Completing a marathon in eight hours is not an accomplishment dick. Now, McConaughey is pretty ripped, I'll give him that, so he's clearly just running on the beach in board shorts to show off to chicks that he could get by simply telling them his name and offering them lot's of money. Therefore, his running is a waste of time, and real football fans don't waste their time courting women, they just force themselves upon their chosen mate like a caveman.

Notable Steelers fan #1

Snoop Dogg. Source: this picture

Clearly the edge is going to the Steelers in the first matchup. Snoop Dogg has probably had sex with ten times as many women as McConaughey. In fact, he made a porno where he basically just watches people bone while adding advice and commentary like, "yea, work that pussy girl". Good luck competing with that resume. Now, McConaughey is from Austin, TX so he probably smokes a lot of weed, which adds some legitimacy, but there is no way he could compete with one of the most prolific stoners of our time.

Notable Skins fan #2

Serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Source: Common knowledge

The Skins count millions of murderers and child molesters among their biggest fans. It is rumored that young children are bound in shackles in the basement of FedEx field and fans can pay a small fee to have their way with them between quarters. It's really not surprising when you consider who makes up their fanbase: Republican Congressmen and people from Virginia, West Virginia, Baltimore and Southern Pennsylvania.

Notable Steelers fan #2

Hank Williams Jr.

Hank Williams Jr. embodies everything that is right in America. He is fat and ugly, but still gets a lot of play. He likes to get drunk and hang out with all his rowdy friends. Women love when he eats them out and tickles them with his big hairy face. He has very little skill, but he exploits the shit out of what he has, to the tune of millions of dollars. He also sings the Monday Night Football song and this clearly means that Pittsburgh will have a tremendous advantage on MNF Nov. 3rd.

SUPER BOWL PREVIEW CONTINUED

There hasn't been much shit talk. Expect that to change in the coming days. I'll lay the gauntlet down starting now. Let's see Hams deal with the "Hail to the Redskins Remix". He better get used to this tune, because he's going to hear it about 50 times on Sunday.

SUPER BOWL WEEK PREVIEW #2: Battle of the Cuisines!

Well, since Hams doesn't seem to want to stick up for his squad this week (probably licking his wounds from the Steelers-Giants debacle), I will play devil's advocate.

In this post, we compare the signature food of Pittsburgh with the signature food of DC.















The beast on the left is a Primanti Brothers sandwich. They stack this coronary-killer with oil based slaw, fries, tons of meat... and each sandwich, I believe, packs an average of 1,000 calories. But they're 1000 calories of pure fucking deliciousness. It helps that I am personal friends with one of the majority owners of the Primanti's brand.

On the left, we have a tandem of Bud Light and Maryland Blue crabs. A formidable duo. However, did you notice the name of the crabs? MARYLAND blue crabs. Not DC blue crabs. DC doesn't even have its own signature food. EPIC FAIL.

So the advantage goes to Primanti's and Pittsburgh on this one. That brings our score to 1-1. This matchup is shaping up to be a dandy.

Super Bowl Week!!

Yes, all you assholes. The week we've all been waiting for has arrived. It's SUPER BOWL WEEK! The most wonderful time of the year!

Now you're wondering, "Am I lost somewhere in the seemingly endless GS Archives?" Well no, idiot. A) Our archives are very limited and B) We've certainly never done a Super Bowl preview.

So now you're thinking, "But isn't it October? We're not even in the playoffs yet. How in hell can the Super Bowl be taking place this upcoming weekend?" Well shut up for a second, dick. I'll tell you what's going on.

Next Monday Night, the 6-2 Steelers of Pittsburgh take on the 6-2 Redskins of Washington, DC. This is undoubtedly the real Super Bowl of the season, as the winner will have the huge advantage when these two titans clash in late January/early February (whatever). Hams is headed down this way. He'll likely get lynched and thrown off the top of the stadium, but he'll still enjoy himself... unless the Skins win by 70 (which they won't).

To kick off our preview this week, we compare the Hogettes of the Redskins with the Bone Smuggl-- I mean Steely McBeam of Pittsburgh.



'Taint worth going into this debate point by point. It's pretty much cut and dry. Sure the Hogettes are cross dressers. But outside of the stadium, they are fat, smelly slobs who like to pork their equally fat and smelly wives. Steely McBeam, as it were, likes to bang Village People 7 days a week. And when it comes to football and football mascots... porking fat chicks takes the win over a mascot who sodomizes little children beneath the Heinz Field bleachers.

-Yuck

Time to sack up

You already know that this blog demands its readers and contributors to be as manly as possible. That's why is pisses me off when people bitch about Hines Ward being dirty. It especially infuriates me when professional football players cry about it. Most of the time, this whining comes from the Baltimore Ravens, which, I'm sure we can all agree, is the shittiest organization in professional sports. Look fools, who are the biggest douches in the NFL? Defensive players. Yea, TO and Chad are annoying sometimes, but they are nothing compared to some defensive backs. Receivers at least have to worry about getting jacked up any time they make a catch. How many times a game does a receiver drop a pass and the corner back guarding him goes buckwild celebrating like he did something? If they ever do make a big hit, its usually because the receiver is 40 inches off the ground, stretched to make a catch. These guys make a living hitting people when they are most vulnerable, without ever getting hit themselves.

That's why we need more Hines Wards, he's like a super hero for any receiver whose ever been hit with a legitimate cheap shot. Think of how the game would change if more players blocked like him. Scoring would skyrocket because most defenders would be too scared to pursue the ballcarrier. Look at how preoccupied the Ravens are with laying out Ward. Right now they are talking about the "bounty". Last year Bart Scott said he was going to "kill" him. According to Hines, this isn't anything new.

"I've been having a bounty on me there since Rod Woodson was there [in Baltimore]. I put the same kind of hit on Rod Woodson and all I heard was 'Oh we're going to get you back next game.'"

So football fans, if you get tired of seeing some free safety do the worm because he made a tackle after a 25 yard gain, come to GS and enjoy some of Hines Ward's finest moments.

Scary

GS ExXxperimentz #2: Geedy NFL PixXx

Last week, depending on who you ask, my picks yielded a pretty low percentage. But that's because I let other factors influence the picks (thinking with my heart instead of my head). This week, we go with pure Geedy pixXx and no more of that other BS on GS.


Tampa Bay at Dallas
I hate Dallas. But Jeff Garcia is... um... you know.
Pick: Dallas

Washington at Detroit
1 Word: Orlavsky
Pick: Redskins

Buffalo at Miami
Who even plays for these teams? Pennington, Edwards? Ugh.
Pick: Buffalo Hunters.

St. Louis at New England
Eff St. Louis.
Pick: Pats

San Diego at New Orleans
Two more 9-7 teams. Should be a decent game.
Pick: Chargers

Kansas City at NY Jets
Shittiest game of the week.
Pick: Jets

Atlanta at Philadelphia
Wow. The schedule makers are apes.
Pick: Eagles

Oakland at Baltimore
Oakland @ Baltimore in a battle of shit hole cities.
Pick: Upset special... da RAIDAHS.

Arizona at Carolina
Kurt Warner is one of the biggest Geeds on earth. So is Delhomme. Gotta pick one. I go with the home squad.
Pick: Carolina

Cleveland at Jacksonville
I watched the Browns live. They're awful.
Pick: Jags

Cincinnati at Houston
C'mon.
Pick: TeXxXans

NY Giants at Pittsburgh
Game of the Week. I don't feel like looking up Willie Parker's injury. If he plays, they win. If he doesn't, they lose. So it's a conditional pick.

Seattle at San Francisco
The REAL shittiest game of the week.
Pick: Niners.

We the Biggest, Baddest Beetleborgz, snitchezzzzzzzz

"Beetleborgz up in this piece! Call me "Bloo Ballz" Beetleborg. No, not because I get blue balls a lot. I'm called "Bloo Ballz" because that's what you get from me if I here any snitching up in this piece!

You've heard of those other gangs, Bs and Cs. Wu Tang clans, whatever. We're the most legit gang this side of the galaxXxy. Power Rangers?? PSSSSSH. Give me a break. Them dudes is just like Jeff Garcia (you know what I mean).

Know what I like to do sometimes? Put on my beetlesuit without putting clothes on underneath. Karate kicking jabroniz with my junk flopping around?? Invigorating. Yea, and if I ever come across that Kimberly chick from Power Rangers? I just remove my beetle legs, and I'm ready to get bizzzzzzay!

Dude to my right is "Crabby". Named both for the color of his suits and the nature of his own junk. (He's got crabs). Because of this, he's grumpy as shit. Thus, crabby. He's probably the grossest of the three of us, because he never takes his suit off. It's disgusting. All sweaty and gross and shit. Swamp ass, ugh.

But whatever, Crabby is Crabby. Anybody could be inside the suit, but we'd never know. I've narrowed it down to Ted Williams Jr. or Howard K. Stern (of Anna Nicole Smith fame). Don't mess with Crabby, because he's twisted as shit. For all we know, he might actually BE a crab-person.

Main man to my left is "Dungmonkey". Remember what I said about "Crabby" being the grossest? I lied. Dungmonkey, as his name suggests, likes dung. He's part dungbeetle, so he was sort of given the green suit by default (who the eff wants a Big Brown Beetleborg???)

He smells like shit. Doesn't shower. Just wallows in his filth.

So you're wondering, "Bloo Ballz", why hang out with these bags of dirt? Simple. Say you're Kimberly the Pink Ranger. And you get cornered by me, Dungmonkey and Crabby. You have to make a choice. Do you want normal violent me? Do you want the dude with crabs who might be a lobster? Or do you want a dude who has a crap fetish?

And there you have it.

-Big Badazz Beetleborgz, out.

GS Cinematic Corner #1

Well, seeing as how GS is clearly emerging as the go-to Economic, Sports-related, Political and General Self Help blog, it only makes sense that we expand our horizons further. That's why we've decided to also conquer the Entertainment/Movie Review/Gossip markets as well. Enter Cinematic Corner. In these posts, we will highlight entertaining snippets of ENTERTAINMENT.

The first entry into the Cinematic Corner Pantheon is, naturally, the #1 movie on Time's List of 100 greatest movies:

Cliffhanger.

I would go into detail explaining why this movie is so legit and such a masterpiece, but luckily some genius on YouTube has already compiled video evidence. The video is below. Make special note of the nuanced performances given my John Lithgow and black guy (spoiler warning: he has a "rocky" time). Enjoy this post because if Penn State, the Redskins, or the Steelers lose in the next two days, the blog will take on a decidedly negative tone.

I'm a Big Deal and I Rub Shoulders with Other BIG Deals...

Round herrr in Washington, D.C, big tymers are ALWAYS in abundance. You could be walking anywhere, minding your own business, when you turn a corner and BAM... there's SINBAD! And you're thinking, "wow, I just saw mega-celeb Sinbad, this day couldn't get any better" when BOOM, coming out of Macy's is former NBA Superstar and shoo-in Hall of Famer Eric Montross! Fuck yes! Two celebs, it's like Hollywood up in this bitch.

And you're on cloud 9... you can't wait til you call your babe and tell her the news. So you reach for your Samsung Glyde and you start firing off a bad ass texXxt message when BOOYAH, it's Brian "Nasty Boy" Knobbs, wrestling ULTRA STAR.

Like seriously, you're thinking, is this a joke? No, my friend, it ain't a joke. This is surrrious business. Just when you're thinking "I just died and went to heaven", out comes uuber hottie Kirstie Alley. And she wants to do the "La Parka" with you.

Clearly you oblige. But all of those celebs are bushleague minor league bullshit compared to my main homies...









The Danny and The Cruise!

So this weekend, when you're sitting around counting the Eagles Super Bowl trophies, thinking about sawing off your wrists with plastic cutlery, throw your child in a suitcase and head on down to D.C for a celeb-filled fun fuckin' time!

-Amped.

Ode to BO SCAIFE

Now that the NFL season is six weeks in, it seems like a logical time to offer my mid-season fantasy football MVP. My team "Edwards-Spitzer '08" had a rough game last week. Even though Cli(t)nton Portis and Reggie Wayne had exceptional games, we lost. Why? Because BO SCAIFE had a bye week. Now you may be saying that I probably missed the Tennessee defense more than BO SCAIFE, a mere tight end, but you are also probably an idiot. BO SCAIFE is the emotional leader of my team. He is also the baddest bitch on the field (not to be confused with Trina). He commands so much respect that when you type his name, you MUST use capital letters. Otherwise BO SCAIFE comes through your computer screen and wraps your mouse cord around your penis like a tourniquet until it falls off due to lack of circulation. Scared yet? If not, look at this picture:

As you can see, he's the hardest knucka you'll ever come across. When they inevitably make a movie about his life, he will either be portrayed by Vin Diesel or The Rock. Who would you be portrayed by? He also has a huge hammer dong. Post-game interviews cannot be conducted because reporters, male and female alike, are hypnotized by the grandfather clock pendulum swaying between his knees. You may be saying, well it looks like he's part white, what if he has a small wiener? If you are saying that, you are an idiat because everyone knows that the big cock trait is dominant.

Imagine what BO SCAIFE could do if his quarterbacks weren't Kerry Collins and Vince Young? He would score 60 touchdowns a game and they would have to implement special rules to keep the game fair. It would look like Mutant League Football. The limbs of those stupid enough to try to tackle him would be strewn across the field. He would celebrate each TD by vertical 69ing with a cheerleader. Its only a matter of time beforepeople would be injecting BO SCAIFE'S semen into their bloodstream like HGH.

GS Pollitikul Corner

Over 638,000 hits (we know this because our counter says so) leads us to believe that the world cares what GS thinks. We have clearly demonstrated our astuteness in the Sports and Economic Worlds. Every once in a Blue Moon ale, we have dabbled in the field of politics; but now, it becomes clear that the world demands that GS weighs in on what really matters.

(And here's where you'd expect a smarmy punchline. "Like PORN" for example. But on this day, no.)

What really matters is the upcoming Presidential Election. GS has heard a rumor recently that may rock the WORLD landscape (including the upcoming el(r)ection).

The rumor is that John "Edwin" McCain's party has an ace in the hole that will turn the election in his favor. Now, what on earth could possibly guarantee a positive turn of events for John "The Brain" McCain??

A guaranteed solution to the economic crisis? Not a chance.

A solution for poverty in America? Who cares about that? No one.

A guaranteed victory in Iraq? A guaranteed victory in Afghanistan? Hellllll no.

Nah nah nah. This is taken from the Bush model of achieving victory. Do something kind of sweet, sit on it for months at a time, and then reveal it at the time when doing so benefits you best.
------

So ladies and gents, what is this trump card?




That's right. Osama bin Laden. No, he's not joining McCain's political cabinet. The rumor GS has heard is that he's been captured... and not just recently. He's been captured for months now.

Yes, this is a conspiracy theory. Of course. But it makes sense if you think about it. Maybe that's why McCain chose that airhead Palin. Maybe that's why he's intentionally lost all of his debates by looking like a dunderhead. He just hasn't been trying.

Because he's waiting until 3 days before election day... and he and Bush are gonna roll out with bin Laden in cuffs. When that happens, McCain's going to win by 50 percentage points. It's brilliant.

But I'm here to implore you. If he does this, don't fall for it! Why? Because the real man responsible for his capture is none other than...

















*PS-Remember this post when this actually does happen.

GDI Activities #2

GS ExXxperimentZ: Picking NFL Games Based on Geediness Level

Clearly there is no formula for successfully predicting the outcome of an NFL Game. Some teams are better than others, sure. But the better team going in does not mean it will be the better team coming out. GS likes to break new ground, and today we're unveiling a new method for picking NFL football outcomes, based on nothing more than which team is less Geedy. Hey Beetlejuice, what do you think??



"It's a strong bet that you're method will prove fruitful!! Yay!"

Thanks, 'Juice. Now, no more procrastinating. Let's pick some football games.

San Diego at Buffalo
This is a great matchup on paper. But when it comes to having a Geedier team, Buffalo wins hands down. Meaning they lose this game. Phillip Rivers is a doosh, but he is far less Geed than anyone else on the field on this day.
Pick: Whale's Vagina (San Diego)

Minnesota at Chicago
Pretty good battle here, too. Let's break it down:

Team Colors: Vikings have purple. Awful.
Famous Former Coaches: Bears have Ditka. Nice. Vikes have... Dennis Green? Yikes.
Starting QBs: Gus Frerotte- Bashed his head into a wall, cost my Skins a playoff appearance. Bears have Orton. You know.
Pick: Bears

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Steelers by a mile in my lock of the week. It comes down to Ben Roethlisbooger. He's a big mongoloid who caught some brain damage by refusing to wear a helmet. Plus they've got that shithead Jeff Reed (Josh Reed, Rick Roll??)
Pick: Steelers by 30.

Tennessee at Kansas City
Pretty close to being a lock. Kerry Collins is a former alcoholic (though once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic), plus Lendale McDonald's White.
Pick: Tennessee in a landslide

Dallas at St. Louis
The team Dallas will field on Sunday is not the team they fielded last weekend. They've lost Pacmonster to suspension. Romo is out with a busted Waah bone. And FelixXx Jones is also out. The temptation is to say they are the Geedier team. But honestly, who do the Rams have besides that Snake Jim Haslett on the sidelines?
Pick: I'll gladly take a loss and predict a tie. Both these teams are filled with Geeds.

Baltimore at Miami
Let's see. Footsteps Flacco and Ray Lewis vs. Chad Pennington and Joey Porter. Flacco is less Geedy than Pennington. Porter and Lewis is basically a push. The tie breaker? Ricky "Pineapple Express" Williams.
Pick: Give it to the Dolphins in a tight one.

San Francisco at NY Giants
Upset Special! The Giants are better on paper. But in the Geed column, they come up short. The 49ers are led by a nice Irishman named O'Sullivan and Frank "Rhyno" Gore. Look for one disembowled Giant come Sunday.
Pick: 49ers

New Orleans at Carolina
Jake Delhomme might be the Geediest QB in the NFL. Besides Drew Brees.
Pick: Panthers

Detroit at Houston
Dan Orlovsky.
Pick: Houston TexXxans

NY Jets at Oakland
Christ. Do I have to pick Brett Favrah? Yea I do. Sorry JaMarcus. Two first names crammed into one does not lead to better performance on the field. And Justin Fargas... you're white, give it up.
Pick: Nanny JexXxis (Jets)

Indianapolis at Green Bay
Gimme Aaron "Eff Brett Favre with a Telephone Pole" Rodgers and Greg "I'm Really Good" Jennings over Peyton "Krang" Manning and "Starvin'" Marvin Harrison anyday.

Cleveland at Washington
Even if they were geedier than the Browns (they're not), I'd still pick the Redskins because.... just because, dickhead.
Pick: Redskins

Seattle at Tampa Bay
Ew. Worst game of the week by far. Dream matchup of Jeff "I'm hiding behind this Playboy Playmate because I really like nekkid dudes" Garcia vs. the twin pillars of power Charlie "John" Frye and "Native American" Seneca Wallace. I'll take Joey Galloway and his 'roids.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Denver at New England
Two teams destined for 9-7 records. But only one has Jay "My arm's stronger than John Elway's and I don't give a rat's ass that it's sacrilege that I say that. Denver is the fattest city in America and kiss my bender because I've got Diabetes and you don't see me taking up entire booths in restaurants" Cutler.
Pick: Broncos.

Expect a near perfect record (minus the tie game I'm predicting). When I go undefeated, I'll make sure ESPN, CNNSI, and bootleg sports sites like that take notice.

GS: You're number 1 spot for Economic AND Sports news and advice.

-Preach

Look You Stupid Little Twerps....... F*CK OFF

Hey, this site is Anti-Child abuse. But in this case I want to rock these dipshits in the face. Smarmy pukes. Yea sure you can form coherent sentences using properly enunciated words. But can you embed videos of Malibu from Old School American Gladiators on your blog and then arrange for Larry Csonka to chastise his use of surfer vernacular? I don't fucking think so.

Can you arrange for Ed Hochuli to dig up Andre the Giant's corpse, travel back in time with him, and arrange for Hulk Hogan to be incinerated, leading to Hochuli's emergence as WORLD Dictator and thus rendering the above video's predictions null and void?!?! HELL NO.

Question for the little bia on the right. Are you serious with that "hand to the ear" thing? Like you can't fucking hear? The little Descendant of David seems to be problem-free re: hearing. So why are you acting like Katie Couric at the Franklin County Pie Baking Contest?! Jesus.

And to you, little Greenberg... what makes you so fucking important that you can say shit like "I applaud their efforts". Like they give a rat's ass what you think. You are a nobody. Let's arm wrestle. I'll tear your stinking arm off and beat your parents to a mushy pulp for raising a little dickhead such as yourself. I bet you've never even seen Bloodsport or Rocky IV. Dumbass.

In closing, take your stupid long sleeve red polos, tie yourself a noose, and you know......shoot yourself in the face with a shotgun.

-ARGGGGGGGGGGGGH

What do I think is funny and Entertaining? This!

...............



"Um. Malibu. Are you serious with that? I can't even fit my helmet on my pumpkin-head and even I consider what you just said idiotic. Jesus Christ.



"Broooo... the reason you're feelin' that is cuz you aren't letting the cosmic nature of the world soak in. I mean, COME on... grab a brewski... a hot babe....... a giant Q Tip...rays.........mother nature... yeaaaa.... man."

....


........



......................



"Malibu. What did that fucking mean? That's not coherent English. I may or may not be brain dead. I may or may not be a giant piece of Sequoia. But even I, a certifiable moron, can string together coherent thoughts! Come on, Malibu. Get it together soldier."



"Brah, chillaxify. Soothing sounds of summer fun.... coconut oil..... banana boat bikinis....... tropicana....... relaxification......... smooth............... mellow babealicious."



"Now you're not even trying."



"Cosmic."

Cummin' for that number one spot

By now you probably know that Penn State has a badass football team this year. Wait, you didn't know? You mean ESPN spends all its time hyping teams that turn out to be frauds, then picking a new one to fellate for the next week? You may be saying to yourself, "Hey, PSU is ranked third, I'd say that's recognition enough!" Look idiat, the Nixxttany Lions started the year ranked 22nd. Each week they moved up due to some weakass posers ahead of them losing and the pollsters had no choice but to bump them up. They haven't had the benefit of hours and hours of hype from the queers on ESPN. They just fucking force you to rank them higher. Joe Pa takes his big, black football players and their big, black cocks and forces them into the AP sportswriters' sphincters until they move State up.

Look at some of the teams that were ranked ahead of them early on. Georgia, USC, Ohio State. If they could hold a football game on some sort of triangular shaped field, like Chinese Checkers, this would have been the National Championship in September (somewhere, Vince McMahon dusts off his XFL commissioner notebook and sketches triangle field). And how about West Virginia, Clemson and Auburn? All in the top ten to start the year, now they're fucking their sisters all the way to some mediocre bowl game. Now add to that list LSU and Missouri.

Look, this is America folks. The most talented and qualified succeed. Thus far, Penn State is only ranked highly because others have failed above them, and they have some history, unlike teams like Texas Tech, BYU and Utah. If they want to secure a spot in the title game, they will have to continue to perform exceptionally, pound Ohio State and finish undefeated. Nobody in America gets anything solely because of their legacy and because their competition shits the bed. Oh wait.

EPIC FAIL

WOW.

Enough of this Doomsday Bullshit...

Because it is Friday, you fools!



For the next 3 days, all problems are out the window. Let the Geeds in Washington worry about fixing the mess, because the rest of us CHAMPS will be living it up. Irresponsibility will reign supreme as we engage in all sorts of celebratory activities. To get your Friday and thus, your weekend, started right, I'm going to list off things that we can be fucking amped about!

Beer is still cheap
No one is paying Sarah Palin any type of worthwhile attention
Girls are still good looking human beings
Football will never go away (permanently, at least)
More free porn on the Internet than ever!
October is the last good month until May (oops, that one should get you down in the dumps... but enjoy it you little sissy)
Three day weekend (for most of us), hahahaha!
Every day above ground is a good fucking day, I don't care what you say.
Hugh Hefner is getting rid of his stupid GFs... they were getting boring and you know Hef won't be single for long.
New Bond movie in a month
The market can't get much worse (..........)
Kegs still hold lots of beer that can be consumed
The rich are about to get the SHIT taxed out of them (when Obama wins), thus making them miserable like the rest of us, YAY
Kissing Suzy Kolber is still an awesome fucking website
For me, it's scummy Alumni Weekend/My Birfday/a weekend to watch the 'Skins go 5-1.
Saw V is coming out soon... add it to your shitty movie queue.
---

That's all I've got for now. Turn that stupid frown upside down into a smug shit-eating grin (one which I'll be wearing on my face allllll weekend).

-Booyah

How does the saying go??

Ah yes... if you had any amount of money NAHT stored under your mattress, thou art FUCKED, woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

-Mind is lost.

The Goose Eats a Nacho Cheese Football

"I know a way to help receivers catch more balls! You DUNK da FOOTBALL in da Nacho Cheese! And den you throw da football to da guy and da guy, being hungry and all dat, catches da football, runs to da end zone, and eats da football!!

Why stop there tho? Da football is already made of pig's skin. So why not just make da football made of bacon?! Bacon and Nacho Cheese, mm mmm what could be better?

Dat sounds like a tasty treat. You can even change da offensive game plan around different toppings for da football. In da huddle, da quarterback can sprinkle da football with jalapeno peppers. Call da play "Spicy". Sprinkle da football with Chili. Call dat play "Chunky"!

I'm telling you, everybody wins! Da ratings go up because everyone likes ta see touchdowns and good food and stuff. You can even have da cheerleaders preparing da footballs on the sidelines for da touchdowns and da consumptions!!

In other news, I'm a fat moron! Back ta you, GUYS!!"

GDI Activities #1

Geeds Stink Weekly ExXxclusive!

Here at Geeds Stink, we pride ourselves on scoring exXxclusive interviews from time to time. It's a real testament to our PR and Marketing teams that we can get these interviews right at the height of their social importance.

That said, as you will see from the following transcript, our interviews don't really delve into a lot of details in terms of our questions asked. The tendency seems to be for our interview subjects to go off on entertaining tangents that, in one way or another, parody something you would normally not expect them to say. We get the answers that no one else can get from these subjects. And we expose a level of vulnerability and candidness not seen anywhere else.

This week, our interview takes place at Wrestlemania 3. How, you might ask? We built a time portal and brought our interview subject back in time with us. It may cause the universe as we know it to be altered greatly. Such is the nature of the beast. Without further ado, welcome to the Geeds Stink ExXxclusive of the Week!
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[Space-Time Continuum Tears]

[A large boot steps out through the portal]






Hochuli The Giant:

Hulk Hogan, I'm going to project all of my angry frustrations upon you. You may not know who I am. Hell, you probably thought you were going to fight Andre the Giant. But you are mistaken. The writers at Geeds Stink helped me dig up Andre's corpse and, much like the Body of Krang, I am using my new host to dominate the world.

First, I am sick of all the GDIs out there bitching and moaning about my supposedly "missed" calls. I used air-quotes there to insinuate that I wasn't actually "missing" these calls at all. I'm purposefully making awful calls. Why? Because I'm Hochuli the Giant, and I do what I want. You thought that Donaghy fruit was bad? I'm more corrupt than Dick Cheney. I'm more diabolical than Mao. I force myself on more females than Kobe Bryant.

I cannot be stopped. Eat this big boot. Time for a giant knee-drop. Smell my ass as I mash it into your face. This is Hochuli the Giant. I had a Qdoba Burrito for lunch.

Oh I'm definitely benefitting from "missing" these calls. You might feel bad for me, thinking I don't deserve all the shit I'm getting. I do. I am throwing games for money. I am using that money to fill my harem with the finest examples of nubile beauties you can imagine. I'm buying allllll sorts of 'Roids, HGH, and Donkey Testosterone. I'm RAMPING up my program.

Feel my wrath. Giant splash in the corner. Body Slam. 450 Splash from the top rope. Hurricanrana. Betcha didn't think my big ass could do these things. But I'm Hochuli, not Andre.

I'm going to win this match and use the high-profile victory to alter the future. By the year 2000, I will be President of the United States. At which point, I will dissolve Congress and any other check against my power and declare myself DICTATOR FOR LIFE, KING HOCHULI THE GIANT!!! And it begins tonight.

[Gigantic Chair Shot wrapped with Barbed Wire, coated in gasoline. Lit match, thrown on Hulkster. Hulkster is engulfed in flams and burns for 20 minutes. Everyone in attendance looks on, horrified, speechless. Hochuli the Giant pins Hogan's pile of ashes, 1, 2, 3.]

Eat Shit, GDIs. This is the beginning of the end!

-Hochuli
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Thanks, Hochuli the Giant! Hopefully our new Dictator For Life can fix the economy!!!

listen up cheapskates

In these times of financial uncertainty, many people are feeling the need to let their voices be heard (aka bitch like little pussies). I'm not talking about losing ungodly amounts money on investments due to selfish assholes (and Jack Frost). It is understandable to gripe about getting fucked over (see Mr. Kennedy's post below), because it is out of your control, and getting fucked hurts. What I can't stand is people who bitch about the price of gas. They're all like, waaaah I have to pay a few extra dollars every time I fill up my car, adding up to maybe a thousand extra dollars a year. Jesus tittyfucking christ look at the shit you spend far more substantial amounts of money on.

Exhibit A:
Wow, having four kids was a great idea huh dipshit? If I ever hear someone with more than one or two kids complain about something like gas prices, I will fucking castrate them with a papercutter. Do people understand how expensive growing a human being is? I hope those four times your wife let you have sex without a condom were worth it you pussywhipped bitch. And know what the worst part is? You had four girls. Not only are you going to have to pay a shit load more money to raise these bitches (tampons) but they are going to make far less money than men during their lifetimes, so they won't be able to support you on their secretary or nurse salaries.

Exhibit B:
Hey good thing you bought the most expensive house you could possibly afford. It's probably a great feeling knowing that you will be paying off this monstrosity for the rest of your pathetic life. Yea, having a badass house is great, when you pay for it straight up with cash like I do. That way you aren't enslaved to some lameass geeds down at the bank. Why did you want to get this house in the first place? Because you have an inverted penis and you need to make up for it in some way. Since you don't have the pleasure of walking around with a giant snake coiled in your trousers like I do, your neighbors aren't intimidated by you. So you have to buy large cars and a large house to make up for it.

Now, I suppose I can offer some advice if you are one of these people, I do, after all believe in second chances. If you don't live in a secluded area and murdering your children is not an option, I recommend stealing. Steal everything you can. I no longer go to movies or purchase music, because I just steal everything online. I see movies months in advance. By the way, High School Musical 3 has some badass sex scenes. Make sure you see that one. As far as food, I recommend stealing from farmer's markets. Security there is very weak. Farmer Clyde may be packing a pitchfork, but he is slow as shit, so wear a mask and run like hell.

Jack Frost Follow Up

Based on humongously popular demand, I have decided to post a film selection from the Cinematic Masterpiece: "Jack Frost".

You may recognize that one of the screen caps in the below post is addressed here. I venture to say this is Shannon Elizabeth's finest work. Really had me on the edge of my seat with all of its twists and turns. Enjoy!



"Looks like Christmas came early this year."

Jack Frost Stops By to Say...

"It's COLD, motha fuckazzzzzzzzz!!!! Hayayayeeaaaaaaaa!!!"


"Oh, it's coooooold. You bet your ass it's cold. Grab your turtlenecks and ear muffs, because you're in for the longest winter ever!

I've chosen now for my huge comeback because you're all already miserable. Yessssss... your money is getting flushed down the toilet, mmmm. What better way to kick you in the nuts than by making you deal with another ICE AGE!!!??

Yeaaaaaaaa! You might think I'm the only mother-fuckin' Jack Frost that showed up today. You're WRONG! I brought a bunch of other J. Frosts', and they alllll want to show you their ICICLE schlongs!! WooooooOO!







"Ah yea, bitchez. It's me. Martin Short Jack Frost from "Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause". As The Executioners might say, IT'S GOING DOWN!!! Wooooo. I got my frost ball here. I'm gonna wing it in your face, then I'm gonna make you suck on my pair of frost balls...

In my pants, yaaaaaaaaaaaa!"






"Yea, what it is, what it is. I'm the Creepy Jack Frost staring at you from the window... watching you change and shit. I'm keeping the window slightly frosted so you think your eyes are playing tricks. But the only thing that's getting played is my dingdong as I watch you undress. I'm a peepin' Jack Frost. Awww yea!"







"Yo, dis be Domesticated Jack Frost. I'm just over here chillin' with my girlfriend. She really loves me, and I love her. We be makin' smooth love all over the fort!

Nah, she digs it. Don't worry about it."








"Step aside you buffoonz! It's me, DA REAL JACK FROST. As you can see by my movie poster, I'm KILLIN' AND CHILLIN'. It's what Jack Frost does, and I do it best. Better learn how to be an Eskimo REAL QUICK, because I'm coming for your warm-blooded ass... and I'm drinking it like wine after I get done biting off your limbs... MERRY XXXmas!!! Where my who-ahz at?!!?






"It's gonna be cold, grey, and it's going to last for the rest of your life."






"You got that right, fruitcup! Get used to it, wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"






"Phil?! Phil Conners?! It's me, Ned Reyerson!!"




"Honestly, this could NOT get any worse."





"Allow me to break the ICE."





"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck me."