Mr. Kennedy's Weekend Extravaganza Bonanza!!!

Starring TONY DANZAAA!



Anyways, idiocy aside, this weekend is another HUGE (boner) weekend in the life of Mr. K's sports. The Redskins are gearing up to win a 9-6 nailbiter vs. the hapless Rams, my Fantasy baseball squad is locked in the most important war of all time, and Pat Tillman is coming out of retirement. Because there's so much to cover, and because I've been as useful as Teri Schiavo's appendix lately, I'm gonna put together a post of epic proportions! Welcome to week one of the Extravaganza Bon(er)anza!!!!



Whoa, calm down over there.

Let's get a few things out of the way. Mr. K has been shoddy in terms of drunkenness and bloggingness because other duties (and booties) have come calling. I am currently in the Law School Application process... and if you're normal, you don't give a fuck about that. But the reason I briing it up is because Hams posited that I was drunk last night/this morning. This is simply not true, as I am saving my blackout for today/tomorrow. It's a Scott Kazmiracle that I haven't been fired for showing up to work smelling like booze every Monday. But DILLIGAF (Do I Look Like I Give a Fuck?)

#2- The Redskins are fucking awful. But they're going to tease us idiotic Redskins fans by starting out 4-2 or 5-1, starting with a bout vs. the St. Louis Bega Rams this Sunday. I'm telling myself that the Skins can put up 35 pts, but it will be a bonerfied miracle if they muster up more than 17. Expect a 13-10 snoozer. But don't be shocked if the Rams bullshit their way to another win (ala last year on my Birthday).

#3

Although boxing is becoming as irrelevant as POGs and laser pointers, Floyd "Money" Mayweather is its sole bankable star (especially since it appears that De La Hoya is finished). He has a fight tonight against some hermano, and normally I'd predict a thorough domination being given out by Money. However, he has seemingly succumbed to MC Hammer syndrome, taking his success for granted, and turning into a fat idiot. Thus, bank on this: Juan Manuel Marquesoooo will beat Floyd. And boxing will be dead.

#4- Steamed Hams thinks he's the man by posting Stone Cold Steve Austin Videos. Well I'm going to counter that with the "Gangrel Game of the Week". Confused about that obscure namedrop? Allow me to clarify. As always, via Wikipedia:

In 1998, Heath was hired by the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) due to the support of then writers Bruce Prichard and Vince Russo, who believed in the merit of a vampire gimmick. Heath was given the name Gangrel, which was derived from a vampire clan from the role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade. The gimmick involved an entrance which saw him rising from a ring of fire on stage, followed by a slow walk to the ring set to a sinister instrumental music theme. He also carried a goblet of "blood" with him and, during his entrance, would stop on the ring steps, take a drink, and spray it into the air.

Gangrel made his TV debut on the August 16, 1998 episode of Sunday Night Heat, and was victorious in his in-ring debut against Scott Taylor. He would go on to be undefeated for several months into his WWF career.

He then formed a gothic faction, called The Brood, with Edge and Christian. The Brood became known for their "blood baths", which involved the lights going out for a moment, and when they came back on, the targeted wrestler being covered in "blood". The three eventually joined up with The Undertaker and his Ministry of Darkness faction, but the grouping ended as The Brood's popularity was destroying the Ministry's heat.

Gangrel got one of his first title shots at the 1999 Royal Rumble. He challenged D-Generation X member X-Pac for his WWF European Championship in a losing effort. He competed in the Royal Rumble match later that night and again the following year.

After splitting from the Ministry, The Brood began a feud with the Hardy Boyz and their manager Michael Hayes. During the feud, Gangrel suddenly turned on Edge and Christian and aligned himself with Matt and Jeff Hardy. He called the group The New Brood. Terri Runnels also began to show interest in the Hardy Boyz, however, and they eventually chose her over him. Gangrel became a singles wrestler following the breakup of The New Brood; he was mainly used as a mid carder. In 2000, he brought in his real-life wife Luna Vachon as his manager until she was fired. Gangrel continued working for the WWF until he was released in 2001, reportedly for weight problems.

A hall of fame worthy career, indeed. Gangrel's game of the week is the powerhouse matchup of the Vikings vs. Ravens and...

fuck it. Let's see how pathetic Gangrel has become:



I love taking joy from observing subhumans. Clearly Gangrel licks pussy like a champ. Not sure how I feel about the fact that he's porking that gargoyle he's with, but you know what? To each his own (bone).

Gangrel sucks, this is true. But you know who sucks more? LameDainlian Tomlinson. I drafted him #5 in one league and #9 in another. These are both money leagues (gambling is bad (if you're gay)), and he's already hurt, so I'm basically fucked. Rape really isn't funny. Unless you're a fan of GS, which of course you are. I hope Tomlinson's wife gets raped.

/don't care if you're not laughing

Because I've been more sober lately, I've had a chance to watch some fucking trashy films. Here's how they rate:

Fast and Furious: 0 Stars- Fucking awful. I made it through 25 minutes of it. Turned it off. This comes from a guy who loved movies like Saw, Sorority Boys, and Sleepover. Vin Diesel is a fucking retard, and I hope he gets raped in the ass by Melanie Oudin's tennis racket (business end of course).

Friday the 13th (the new one): 5 Stars- It's a fucking Jason movie. People die. Tits fly around like pre horse-riding Christopher Reeve, and I get a boner.

This Is It- This is a documentary on the last days of Michael Jackson. I haven't seen the movie, just a 2:00 preview. I have one question: Who gives a flying fuck? Michael Jackson, since I'm sure you read this, I want you to know one thing: I'm glad you're dead and your movie is going to suck. Die again.

I referenced Melanie Oudin because she was just shown on the Atlanta Braves broadcast, sitting between two pedophiles. They're gonna be disappointed, because I think she's at least 18, but for all you twinophiles out there, Melanie has a twin. Named Murray. Yeaaaa, Melanie Oudin with a mustache and a penis. Cheddar!

I want to get back to this Mayweather/Marquez fight. I ordered it. I root for Money Mayweather. Why?

Because he is America. No that's not a typo. I didn't mean to say that he's American. He is America. Extravagance. Bombasity, Attitude, Excess, FRATTTINESSSS.

Oh and this just in, HHH, one of my least favorite wrestlers, is gonna be in Money Mayweather's corner tonight. I fucking love it.

Fuck you Mexico. You have been the grundle of America for too long. I hope Mayweather uppercuts your champ out of the fucking ring.

-Mr. K

(Might be updated later)

Hams' Stone Cold Locks of the Week

In this new feature, Steamed Hams will provide our 5 million devoted readers with some stone cold gambling locks, along with a great moment in Stone Cold Steve Austin history. I know Mr. Kennedy has done the picks in the past, but since he is likely passed out drunk under his desk at GS Enterprises LLC until Sunday, I'm going to step up and do the honors this week. These picks will be broken down into three categories: Hate Pick (where I make a pick based on hate), Homer Pick (where I bet on my team's game) and Big Game Pick (pretty self-explanatory, you idiot).

COLLEGE

We aren't exclusive to the NFL here at GS, so if gambling on the performance of flaky, immature 18-22 year olds is your thing, then check out our college picks.

Hate Pick
Duke (+24) at Kansas

I hate Kansas because the quarterback once made out with my college housemate's girlfriend. And that chick was the most despicable wench you could ever meet. Double whammy for the Jayhawks. Not only did Todd Reesing help my friend get cheated on, he did it with a huge cunt. That said, this is a terrible pick. Duke is awful, which makes complete sense, since my and Mr. K's high school is one of the biggest feeders to its football program. But the power of hate is strong my friends, and that cancels out all logic.

Homer Pick
Penn State (-30.5) vs. Temple

Though I live in the shadows of a different Big 10 school, Penn State will remain as my homer team. Perhaps that will change in the future, but then we wouldn't be able to use this picture:



The Nixxxty Lions square off with Philly trash Temple. Now, this is another pick that will probably not happen, since the gay little Owls usually manage to put up a good fight, but homerism conquers all. PSU is due for an offensive outburst, though, after only putting up 31 against Akron and 28 against 'Cuse in the first two. Also, Penn State is extremely overrated at No. 5, not that I'm complaining.

Big Game Pick
USC (-18.5) at Washington

This has all the makings of a typical USC upset. The Trojans are coming off a big win, they're on the road, and UW is supposedly a tough place to play. But the Huskies have already blown their emotional load when they lost to LSU at home, and oh yeah, they lost this game 56-0 on their way to an 0-12 record last year. USC big, even with another new quarterback.

NFL

Hate Pick
New Orleans (-1.5) at Philadelphia

I'm not totally sold on the Saints, as they did give up some points to Detroit last week, but come on, Kevin fucking Kolb. I think the Saints win close, and the Eagles fans embrace Kolb. Think about it, their other quarterback options are McNabb (black), Garcia (gay and Mexican) and Vick (black). Kolb is a pretty generic white man, the perfect Philly athlete, unless he's Jewish or something.

Homer Pick
Pittsburgh (-3) at Chicago

Cutler probably won't do any worse than last week, even though he's actually facing a real defense this time. But, he's on my fantasy team, so he will automatically suck it hard. And I would welcome that with open arms. I see a 20-14 win, with hopefully lots of players mocking Brian Urlacher for missing the rest of the season with a pussy wrist injury.

Big Game Pick
Dallas (-3) vs. New York

I feel pretty dirty about making this pick, as Dallas is one of my all-time least favorite cities. Texas as a whole is pretty sweet, but every state has that city that is just pure Wal-Mart country. Everything is fucking generic. Yeah there are enough Mexicans to make some good food, but anytime you are doing something in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, you find yourself saying, "I could be doing this exact same thing anywhere else in the country, especially in a place that isn't so fucking hot." But, the Giants offense is pretty shitty since losing Plaxico. Now, you may be thinking that they looked solid last week, but remember, that was against the Skins. And there's no way Jerry allows the Cowboys to lose their opener in the new stadium.

STONE COLD MOMENT OF THE WEEK

Stone Cold Steve Austin spraying the Corporation with beer.



So much fucking sweetness captured in this video. This happened in the Pepsi Arena in Albany (home of the Siena Saints), which makes it personally awesome to me. But also, he hits the fucking Titantron with the top of the truck, imagine if they sucker came down and crushed hundreds of people. No way Vince stops the show. Spraying people in suits with beer is too epic to miss. Also, how amazing was the Attitude era? Nothing in wrestling or sports or the drama genre will ever touch it. So many badass stables (DX, Corporation, Ministry, Corporate Ministry, the Brood, The Nation), awesome storylines (Owen Hart dying) and hot chicks (Sable, Debra, the Fabulous Moola). You could actually wear a wrestling t-shirt to school and not be considered "poor" or a dirtbag. For Christmas, I actually had the audacity to ask for a DX football jersey, on the back it had the number 69 and said "Suck It" for the name. Santa didn't bring it, but it was still badass. Also in middle school, myself and about 20 people all pretended to be different wrestlers in the different stables (I think I was Shane McMahon) and would beat the shit out of eachother after school in a massive gangfight every day. And we were the "cool" kids of the school. Wrestling will never see that level again.

Mr. K is mad, SHOCKER

Ladies and Gentleman, the 2009 Washington Redskins' starting QB

If you are one of the people who contributed to our 5 million+ hits, then I'm sure you are prepared for this. I am a little upset.

I will say this: without looking at Wikipedia or doing any research whatsoever, I can say that Jason Campbell is a GDI. He did not pledge a fraternity.

Jim Zorn is mentally deficient.

Albert Haynesworth is fat.

I'm glad Malcolm Kelly (1 catch, 6 yards) is my team's #2 WR.

Santana Moss... I don't know how to say it. Just go back and watch the game. You tell me. Trash.

I'm glad Brian Orakpo was used well. (......)

Will the Redskins finish 15-1? Yes. Will they beat Hams's Steelers in the SB? 100% yes.

Did Shawne Merriman rape Tila Tequila? I say no. But if he did, then he pussied out before being effective.

Between Fantasy Football and Fantasy Baseball playoffs, I might go 4-1. That doesn't upset me, but I do expect to go 5-0, because I'm FAR more knowledgeable than the rest of you shitheads.

Mets-Phillies tonight. I hate both teams. But I need David Wright to have a good showing. Otherwise, I will be eliminated from the only baseball league I care about.

Kurt Warner and co. = dogshit, and I'm glad I have most of them on my squad.

Antwaan Randle El just won back the #2 receiver position.



True Blood is money.

If my baseball paloffs don't go as planned, then I shant be posting here again. Because I'll be dead.

-Mr. K.

Lazily rolling out the AFC picks

In true GS fashion, I am presenting my American Football Conference predictions extremely late. The early games are just about all wrapped up as I write this, so this can't even be considered a preview any more. Nonetheless, this is still a very exciting time in the football universe. Right now, you are probably scrambling to impulsively drop half of your fantasy team for players who put together a fluky performance to start the season. I MUST HAVE ROMO! Actually, I could probably really use the guy, since I have Jake Delhomme as my backup option (-2 points today).

So I'll start by offering a few observations on what I've seen today. Note: What I've seen today consists of half of one game (Broncos-Bengals) and a bunch of final scores—so clearly this will be complete BS.

-Prepare to hear about the Saints being the greatest team to ever grace the NFL. Their offense is awesome, but remind yourself that this team was .500 last year. The Saints should play in the Big 12.

-The Steelers will defy the laws of mathematics and clinch the AFC North by Week 6. Based on one game, I know that the Ravens suck. Also, the Browns and Bengals are just...sad. That whole midwest meets rustbelt confluence is incredibly depressing. I can't imagine living here without being in a city. This region leads the world in the "talented authors who commit or attempt suicide" per capita. Hemingway (Illinois suburb), Hunter S. Thompson (Northern Kentucky), David Foster Wallace (Central Illinois) and Kurt Vonnegut (Indianapolis) lead the way.

-The Jim Breuer Pizza Hut commercial is the most lazily written advertisement ever. Irrelevant 90's comedian? Check. Awful catch phrase? Check. "Manly" things (sports, women) Check. Shitty product (seriously, a ring of cheese on the crust? what the fuck is that? Stuffed crust needs no improvement) Check and Check. The following is the only commercial that was ever entertaining:



-No comment on Favre, since he played Cleveland.

-I don't think I even noticed that the Colts got a new stadium last year. It is kinda sweet.

Alright, time for the pre(cum)DICKtions:

DIVISION CHAMPS
North: Steelers
South: Titans
West: Chargers
East: Patriots

Wild Cards: Jets, Colts

AFC 'SHIP
Steelers over Patriots

SUPER BOWL
Steelers over Redskins, who recover from shaky start against Giants to outscore opponents 800-0 on 100 consecutive touchdown passes and two-point coversions to Chris Cooley. I promptly win my fantasy league. But Cooley is run out of town after NFC Championship due to sex scandal with Buck Angel.

People are Catching On!

Well you know by now that Hams and I are genuine Nostradamuses when it comes to the game of American Football. I have predicted a Redskins win over the Steelers in the Super Bowl (which is 100% going to happen).

Well it now seems that semi-respectable media outlets are now glombing on to our bold predictions and passing them off as their own. Per ProFootballTalk:

Now that we're part of the semi-legitimate media, we need to behave like the semi-legitimate media and pretend that we know what we're talking about when it comes to predicting the teams that will make it to the postseason.

The reality is that no one knows what will happen, primarily because the only certainty is that injuries will screw up everything.

We often criticize so-called experts who base their predictions too heavily on the outcome of the prior season, so we've picked our Super Bowl teams in part by playing it safe and in part by thinking beyond the box.

Our best guess as of right now is that the Redskins and the Steelers will face off in February, and that the Steelers will win their third title in five years.

A lot of careful thought went into that. Specifically, the guys at WSSP in Milwaukee put me on the spot Wednesday morning, and so I blurted out the picks my cousin Josh had e-mailed to me the day before.

But I'll go with that. I've been saying for months that the Redskins could be the surprise team of the NFC, and the Steelers are bringing back too much talent and have too good of a coach to not be considered the favorites to return to the championship game.

Here's the rest of the AFC playoff field, as we (actually, I) see it.

AFC East champ: Patriots.

AFC North champ: Steelers.

AFC South champ: Titans.

AFC West champ: Chargers.

Wild cards: Bengals and Colts.

For the NFC, here's what we've got.

NFC East champ: Redskins.

NFC North champ: Vikings.

NFC South champ: Saints.

NFC West champ: Seahawks.

Wild cards: Packers and Falcons.

I like the Pats to make it to the AFC title game, and the Vikings to get to the NFC championship.

Again, we all make these predictions because we have to. No one really knows how the season will play out. There are too many moving parts and factors beyond anyone's control.

But, hey, if I end up being right, you'll never hear the end of it.

I admire PFT's bravery... but they just barely missed being 100% accurate. A Steelers win over the Redskins? Fuck that. The Skins already own a big "W" over those pussies from Ohi-- I mean Pittsburgh this year. Suck it Pittsburgh. I hate you. And Hams.

-K

5,000,000 HITS and THE NFL SEASON BEGINS

FUCK YEA

Shocker of the year, Hams and I got lazy and didn't come anywhere near finishing our half-assed and lackadaisical NFL Previews. But that didn't stop you morons from visiting our site En Masse, as we recently crossed the 5 Million Hits Mile Stone!

/Crotch Chop at KSK

Now, even though we don't have souls, we feel bad about shirking you dickbags by not following through on our promises. So what are we going to do?

Well we're going to make like a couple of parents who were too lazy to find a Tickle Me Elmo for their kid, bought him the Bananas in Pajamas toy instead, and then blamed it on Santa. AKA, we're going to give you a lesser product and then pass the buck onto someone else...


COP-OUT!!

So, like the Analysts at ESPN and CNNSI, I'm going to finish the NFC Previews with my predictions with absolutely no explanations for these predictions.

Division Winners
NFC West- Seahawks
NFC Central- Vikings
NFC South- Saints
NFC East- Eagles (Ugh)

Wild Cards
Giants
Redskins

NFC Championship
Redskins over Seahawks

Super Bowl:
Redskins over (just a hunch of what Steamed Hams's AFC Champ will be) The Steelers!

And a giant erection in my pants.


Now THIS is a transition

In the spirit of things, I will now offer my ANALysis of tonight's NFL Opener, complete with a BOLD preDICKtion.

Titans vs. Steelers

Kerry Collins throws for 600 yards, 4 TDs, and 1 Rushing TD... all after tossing back a handle of Wild Turkey during the pregame.

Kenny Britt catches for 600 yards, 4 TDs, and wastes away on my fantasy bench because I won't have the stones to start him.

Chris Johnson rushes for 300 Yards, 2 TDs

LenWhale White rushes for 8 yards, and 8 TDs

Rob Bironas kicks 12 FGs and 14 XPs

---

Roethlisberger goes out early with a concussion, Kordell "Slash" Stewart and Touchdown Tommy Maddox take over the reins and are ineffective.

Everyone else on the Steelers dies.

Final Score:
Titans: 134
Steelers: 6 (Slash lives up to his nickname and knocks a couple of 70 Yard Field Goals through the uprights)
----

So there you have it. Solid Fantasy analysis and 100% bona-fide predictions. Bank on it.

-Mr. K