Following Your Dreams...

is something GDIs know absolutely NOTHING about, because following your dreams requires that you have a nutsack full of sperm-producing testicles. And GDIs are basically eunuchs when it comes to that.





This post is just serving as a notification that no, I have not been lynched by a mob of Geekazoids. I continue on, soldiering forth in the name of a worthy cause.





But the reason posts have been a bit skimpy of late is because I have been busy pursuing my dream. And my dream is to become this guy:

Because I've realized something. Yes this world needs ditch-diggers. But I'm sure as shit not going to be one of them. While all you losers out there are busy grasping at straws, with menial goals that will get you nowhere, people like me are seizing the moment. Taking the opportunity to ascend. I'm working a 9-5, but I'm preparing for the LSAT in October at the same time. And that takes balls. Pussies and ninnies can't do what I do.

So one day, when you're sitting at your shitty dive-bar, reminiscing about the days when you might have mattered, I'll be making 6, 7 figures, and banging some chick that is waaaaay out of my league.

My advice to all you GDI losers out there, those who don't want to be crappy for the rest of your life??

Don't settle for your shitty existence. Don't even settle for an existence you think others find appealing. Follow your frattiest, most ballsy dream. And fucking seize it. You may never become a real man, but you'll sure as hell become less of a girl.

-I'm in a Frat

Cizzolt

Hi GDIs. My name is Colt Brennan. I have the sweetest fuckin' job on earth.

I don't know (nor do I care) if you have heard of me, of what I do... but here's a little summary.

I throw Touchdowns in preseason as the 3rd string QB for the Washington Redskins.

And I get paid, a lot.

Now, there was a time when my life was like:

People were talking about Colt Stallion (my new nickname for myself) as a first round draft pick.

And then Hawaii went undefeated, led by my 8 trillion TDs, 25 Kabillion yards, and 1 gazillion creamed panties (from babes checking me out).

Well then I took my team of sad-sack shitheads into SEC country, and my offensive line filled with 220 lb. Hawaiians and Asians couldn't protect me from the attacks of 350 lb. berserkers.

We lost, big time.

And I went from "potential first rounder" to "eat shit you might be signed as an un-drafted free agent".

Well the Washington Redskins drafted me in the 6th round, and well, let's just say I've made them look like Stephen Hawking (not paralyzed and wheel-chair bound, but ingenius).

Colt Stallion's Stat Line in his Pro Career:

Buncha passes thrown/Buncha passes completed, Buncha Yards, Buncha Fucking Touchdowns, and most importantly, a victory over this puss-bot:



Hey Bretty Brett, I crunched your ass tonight by leading an 80 yard TD drive in less than a minute. Did you do that in your 3rd preseason game?? Let alone against a 38 year old wuss-clam who can't make up his mind?

Well I did.

So all you fucking GDIs out there can suck my 11 inch rape rod. Mike Phelps is sweet, but I'm a fucking Colt/Mustang/Stallion/WINNER.


Now excuse me, I'm meeting up with Ryan Sheckler to nab a load of pink-box.

-Stallion

Fridays are for Fightin' Geeds

I won't encourage violence against GDIs this weekend.

Wait, yes I will.

Here's a list of ways to beat a GDI up:

Punches
Kicks
Tar and Feathers
Public Stoning
Cement Boots
Throwing your trash on them
Pantsing
Ball-taps
Pube & Cheese Sandwich
Switching their O'Doul's with a PBR
Slipping them Absinthe
Putting Skoal in each chocolate in a box of chocolates
Mailing feces to them
Objectfying a chick
Tripping them
Face rakes
Slicing their achilles heels
Shaving their head when they're not looking
Fill an invisible ink thing with real ink, spray it all over them, and then blame it on the product when their shirt is ruined (I like this one a lot).
Chop of one of their toes
Carving a canoe in their forehead
Throw them in a public fountain
Throw tequila in their eye
Disrespect Beethoven
And finally,

Running them over with a steam roller.

God Speed.

Michael Phelps has a Message to all you GDIs.

Michael Phelps:

"I don't give a fuck what Red China is doing over here in the Olympics. Yea they're fucking cheating, but it's in pussy sports like Gymnastics.

And I don't give a fuck about what Russia is doing to those two-bit poon munchers in Georgia.

All I'm worrying about is breaking World Records and telling the rest of the World, and especially all you GDIs out there to...

Suck my mother-fuckin' dick...... bitch."

------

Phelps

Interview with a Geed

As everyone knows, GeedsStink likes to get down to the nitty gritty. We like to hit the front lines. We like to confront the belly of the beast. So today, we bring you the first in our series: "Interview with a Geed"! Today we welcome...


......


...........


(Door Opens)




Nick Markakis: Heyyyy, da fuck is up?

Geedsstink: Nick Markakis, what are you doing here?

NM: Call me Nicky Marks... my agent booked me for an interview. Who the hell are you assholes?

GS: We're from GeedsStink. We were supposed to interview a GDI.

NM: Look, call me Nicky Ms... and what in the name of ZEUS are you talking about?

GS: GDI, God Damned Independent. AKA "GEED". We spend all of our time making fun of them.

NM: (Munches on a canoli)I'm a Greek, not a Geed, dumbass.

GS: Our bad.

News Alert

Time for a political statement from GeedsStink...

******

rUSSia(R) can go f*ck itself.

China can do likewise.

Hey GDIs, in case you haven't realized what's going on, China and rUSSia(R) are both Communist/Dictator nations.

It has been well documented for years that China's crimes against their own people have been nothing short of egregious. If you dare to doubt what I say, I suggest you A) go eff yourself and B) go do some research. There are so many things wrong with the Chinese Government (on so many fucking levels), it's a wonder why that country hasn't torn itself apart from revolution and frustration.

China's antics have just glimmered through as the Beijing Brolympics (which Michael "Baltimore Native" Phelps has been ass-ramming) have come about.

Simple little things like A) that lip synching shit, B) the fireworks farce, C) the gymnastics scandal, D) the OBVIOUS doping that's going on over there, E) and the fact that those assholes steal KIDS FROM THEIR FAMILIES JUST TO TRAIN THEM FOR SPORTS... suggests that these assholes are willing to do anything to get what they want.

And rUSSia(R)...

Wow, these dickheads.

These fucking dickheads.

Geezus fuck these dickheads.

If you GDIs don't think this latest move by Russia (to invade Georgia) is a sign of worse shit to come, then you're all dumber than I thought. Basically what these fucksticks are doing is thumbing their noses at the rest of the world (including the UN, NATO, and ESPECIALLY the United States), knowing nobody is going to come after them (which, honestly, can't be done... otherwise this world will end, sorry to scare you, but it's true (they have a shitload of nukes, FYI)).

That was the preface to the GDI-attack that is about to come. But before I get into that. I just want to say...

Any self-respecting HUMAN BEING would realize that these two GOVERNMENTS (not the people themselves) should know what absolute pieces of shit they are. Period.

Now, to GDIs...

Ronald Reagan, who himself was NOT a GDI, started a VERY GDI trend in regards to these two countries, but more so with the USSR, now know as rUSSia(R).


Reagan helped end the Cold War, true.

But the picture above represents the general Western perspective with regards to the former Soviet Union. That is, "they're our buddies... no need to worry".

So even though we've known these Soviets-at-Heart were stealing our secrets, supplying terrorists with weaponry and munitions, and constantly undermining us, we have decided to take the GDI attitude towards them. "No need to stir it up, just as long as they're not bothering us".

Well guess what? While we've been pussying around with a crappy Russia, that crappy Russia has slowly built itself up to the current rUSSia(R). They've continued to spy, continued to build influence, and continually gotten pissed off with the rest of the world's leaders.

And now, they're romping over Georgia. And they'll continue to romp around the shitty parts of the former USSR, until they force other people's hands.

That's what you get when you take the non-controversial, aka GDI, approach. I'm not saying we should have gone after them with military action. But fuck! We should have put them in their place a long time ago. And now, I hate to say it, but my kids and my grandkids are going to be looking a CATASTROPHE square in the eye.

(I'd like to note that I am a Democrat, far from being a war-hawk).

With China, I'll make a more abbreviated approach.

FUCK those GDIs that let that shithole buy up all of the American debt. Those morons were so short-sighted that, if ever the day comes when we have to confront China (trust me, it's coming sooner than you think), we're going to have a serious disadvantage.

Assholes say, "Well China couldn't wage a real war for the next ten years at least". TRUE. But guess what, in 10 years, China will be marching into South Korea, dominating them, joining with North Korea, and SHIT.

Which brings us to what?

rUSSia(R) + China's new Empire, both Communist/Dictator entities, combining together to form a new "WHAT THE FUCK" for the rest of the world. America having a humongous debt. A economic downturn... and all of our kids being thrust into, what else, a draft.

So all you morons saying that the War in Iraq and the War on Terror were worth it, when we were spending all of our money on those menial military efforts which had huge costs and small chances for reward... I hope you are fucking happy.

GDIs (like the ones that have been in power for over 2 decades now), have totally screwed the fucking pooch.

But it's not Doomsday just yet. There are things that can turn the tides of this future catastrophe.

But our hopes will be wasted if we continue putting our faith in IDIOTS and GDIs who just like picking on countries they know they can take advantage of.

Frat DUDES need to step it the fuck up and tell the other Big Dawgs of the world (China and rUSSia(R), who shouldn't even be big dawgs) that they need to fall in FUCKING line.

This is a FRAT DUDE's WORLD. And we don't let little pussies who whine and cry and undermine us to take advantage of us.

I know nobody reads this blog. And that's a shame. Because all you so-called smart asses out there should take heed and notice that the appeaser's way is the way of the GDI. And thus, the way of failure.

-I am in a MOTHER FUCKING Frat!

Drinkin' at the Bar

A job well done.

GDIs order stupid things at the bar. Things that emasculate and humiliate themselves (and they don't even know it). In an effort to avoid blacking out, they may order a glass of chardonnay to sip on. Maybe to impress a chick, they'll get whatever she's having. These are Bar Faux Pas, and must be avoided at all costs. I've compiled a list of "dos and don'ts" of ordering drinks at the bar. Consider this your cheat sheet for bar hopping.

(Note: there are certain settings where some of these drinks are acceptable-- a glass of wine with your babe, for example, when you are at a nice Italian Dinner. These are just drinks you must avoid at your good old fashioned dive bars).

DON'Ts

Mike's Hard Lemonade
Smirnoff
Non-alcoholic Beer
Soft Drinks
Shirley Temples
Virgin Bloody Marys
Wine
Champagne
Martinis-- you're not impressing anyone. This is a chick drink.
Jager Bombs-- unless you're from North Jersey (in which case you're already a GDI)

DOs
Whiskey*
Whiskey and Coke
Whiskey and Ginger
Whiskey and Water*
Any Bourbon
Gin and Tonic*
Gin and Juice
Gin and Ginger
Rum and Coke
Beer*
Tequila
Kamikazes

*-Denotes top of the heap drinks.

GDI Movies #1

I'd like to save you some time by making you aware of some GDI movies. You already know about Justin Long and his stink-pile of a flick, Accepted. But you may not be aware of some other shit-fests that are out here. Now, I'm not talking about universally-panned movies like "Glitter", "White Chicks" and crap like that. I mean stuff that your loser friends may like but that you should not like.

Old School




Overrated.





Now, I know this is a controversial pick, because what could be better than Beerz, Babez, and Bonerz? Answer: not much.





However, this movie gets it wrong on many levels. I'm not saying this movie sucks (think a 6 out of 10). I even laughed at many parts. But basically this is the GDI's excuse to claim they know all about fraternity life. All of the stereotypes are there, and they're not even poorly done. It's just that they are just that: stereotypes.





Naked runs, chugging beers, KY wrestling matches, hazing. None of this is far off base, but the fact you put all of that into a wide-release movie and send it to the masses of losers and blow hards means you're missing the point of being in a fraternity... and secrecy has a lot to do with that.





Sure, if your pal has it on DVD and you're hungover, this is a great movie to watch. Just don't listen to the gratuitous hype that makes this seem like God's gift to frat dudes.

Napoleon Dynamite



No.


This went right over my head. All I heard was "yes it's a one-trick pony, but it works". I went into this with an open mind (shocking, I know). And it blew my mind at how awful this was.

This was miserable on so many levels. Nap Dynamite is a GDI and that's really where the movie's problems begin and end. You can't have a successful movie (let alone a comedy) if your characters are uninteresting and boring.

Think back on it. When this came out, who loved it most? Frat guys and GDIs, I'd say. Frat guys liked it because we were tricked at its quirkiness. We were so drunk that we were fooled. We didn't want to miss the boat. But we did. It's tragic.

GDIs liked it because it was sort of "Art Noveau", an abstract form of cinematic art. In short, GDIs liked it because they felt trendy. Well after the hungover wore off, and you took a step back, you realized this movie sucked. And it sucked hard.

Our mistake, but now that we know the warning signs, we can avoid shit like this (and Nacho Libre for that matter) from now on.

-I'm in a FRAT

Croc a doodle doo!

.......dumb.

GDI Staple= Crocs. A typical GDI has about 10 pairs of these, in varying colors, living in his closet (probably arranged in ROY G BIV format). I'd like to say I don't get it. But I DO get it. A GDI will go to any length (including dressing like a girl (crocs are made for girls)) to weasel their way into a Sex and the City Marathon. Guys who wear crocs are sensitive, caring, good listeners. So... losers.

Word on the street is that crocs are comfortable. But so are bedroom slippers (which are a much better option for a non-GDI who doesn't give a fuck). Other things that are comfortable yet unfit for public wear or display? Bath robes, whacking off, pinching loaves. Just because something feels good doesn't mean you should be caught with it in public.

So here's my advice: if you insist on keeping crocs... wear them around the house. The people you live with already know you're a doosh, so no further damage will be done. Otherwise, you want to keep the fact that you suck a secret.

-I'm in a FRAT

Historical GDIs #1

Geeds Stink prides itself on educating its readers. As the saying goes, "to know where you're going, you've got to know where you've been." AKA, you need to know the GDIs who came before you. That said, we present the first edition of historical GDIs.

General Pickett

Amongst the pantheon of Civil War Generals, there are many non-GDIs. Robert E. Lee, for one, was not a GDI. He didn't really feel strongly either way regarding slavery (a GDI concept, btw), but chose to lead the south just because he loved the south. An even better SweetDI example is General William Tecumseh Sherman, genius behind the "Fuck Everybody Up in Your Way" military campaign. In spite of being told not to charge through the South, he did. And he romped.

On the other end of the scale however, are GDIs like General Ulysses S. Grant (one of the worst Presidents in history) and even worse, General Pickett, moron behind "Pickett's Charge". In the single most important battle in Civil War history (Gettysburg), Pickett was front and center. His decision would alter the war. And he fucked it up. Bad.

Here's what WIKIPEDIA has to say about the charge:

"The charge is named after Maj. Gen. George Pickett, one of three Confederate generals who led the charge under Longstreet.
After Confederate attacks on both Union flanks had failed the day and night before, Lee was determined to strike the Union center on the third day. On the night of July 2, General Meade correctly predicted at a council of war that Lee would try an attack on his lines in the center the following morning.
The infantry assault was preceded by a massive artillery bombardment that was meant to soften up the Union defense and silence its artillery, but it was largely ineffective. Approximately 12,500 men in nine infantry brigades advanced over open fields for three quarters of a mile under heavy Union artillery and rifle fire. Although some Confederates were able to breach the low stone wall that shielded many of the Union defenders, they could not maintain their hold and were repulsed with over 50% casualties, a decisive defeat that ended the three-day battle and Lee's campaign into Pennsylvania.[1] When asked, years afterward, why his charge at Gettysburg failed, General Pickett said: "I've always thought the Yankees had something to do with it."[2]

That's a GDI excuse. And even worse, Pickett wasn't even responsible for the decision to make the charge! And yet, it's known as "Pickett's Charge". Clearly some frat dude passed off blame on Pickett, a truly historical GDI.

Neville Chamberlain

This guy just looks like a pussy. But, alas, he has many other shitty qualities that make him a historical GDI. As WIKIPEDIA puts it:

"Chamberlain's legacy is marked by his appeasement policy regarding his signing of the Munich Agreement in 1938, conceding part of Czechoslovakia to German dictator Adolf Hitler. In the same year he also ceded the Irish Free State Royal Navy ports."

Appeasement?? Are you kidding me? GDIs love to appease, even if it means sacrificing their own convictions. Now, it's one thing if he was against an unstoppable force. But no, you had Winston Chuchill and FDR (Stalin too) go and kick Hitler's ass just a few years later. Couple frat guys cleaning up a GDI's mess.

If Chamberlain had it his way, we'd all be Nazi sympathizers and living in a shittier world.

----

So there you have it. Step one in your GDI History Education.

-I'm in a Frat

Sundays

I fucking hate Sundays.

Run-in With A GDI

Last night, I encountered a PRIMO GDI. He happened to be one of my fraternity brother's friends (not shocking that said Fraternity brother is a GDI himself), and decided to take it upon himself to crack jokes at my expense. Short jokes, whatever. He wasn't funny, I didn't know this kid, he had a shit eating grin. Perfect storm for confrontation.

So here's how I dealt.

"Hi my name is Mark, nice to meet you. I don't know who the fuck you are, but I'll give you one chance to stop saying shit right now. If it continues, we're going to have real problems. Your jokes aren't funny and I'm tired of listening to you make non-funny cracks."

He apologized and wore a shit eating grin, but he got the point. I proceeded to drink a lot of whiskey and cokes.

The lesson here is: it doesn't matter what a GDI thinks of himself. Once a GDI, always a GDI. If you are ever being insulted by some doosh from outside of the fraternity world, squash that bug right away. GDIs rank among murderers, child rapists, and Rothberg in my book. AKA they are zilch. Take care of business, threaten to kill that person, and proceed to drink your worries away.

-I'm in a Frat

Friday Afternoon Drinking Club

I get off work in 20 minutes, so it's time to make one last sober post. I hope you won't be a GDI this weekend. I'm kicking things off at Happy Hour tonight. Should meet some GDIs, so I'll let you know how that goes. With that said, every Friday will have some interesting photos. This Friday, we'll start with two well-circulated images. But it's as good a place as any to start a new tradition.





These guys aren't Jewish GDIs.




If you're disgusted by this, then you're a GDI. Notice the guy getting vomited on is loving it.
"I fucking shower in this shit."

Have a good Friday night.

-I'm in a Frat

Frat Bucket List

Jack Nicholson is not a GDI, but he did make a stupid GDI movie called the Bucket List. The theory of making a list of things you need to do before dying is a very sound one, however, especially for SweetDIs. Real assholes run the risk of dying before they're 30. I'm currently 23, almost 24, leaving me with 6 years to knock some things out of the ballpark. Some of these things are things that I've already done, things you've already done, etc. However, this is a list of things that all people who want to avoid being a GDI should aim for.

Have sex with a 9.
Not a 10, because then you don't have anywhere to go from there but down. Have to look forward to something, after all.

Go to a Super Bowl
I don't care who you have to murder, you have to get to a Super Bowl.

Catch a trophy fish
Be it a freshwater trout or a deep-sea striped bass, you've got to catch a monster and take a photo with it. Fucking tough!

Mardi Gras
As a bonus, get in a Girls Gone Wild video as one of "those guys".

Shave your pubes
You need to experience, just to know your preference. Doesn't matter what your chick or society thinks.

Pledge a fraternity
Dumbass.

Show up to a family function smelling like a gin mill
Just so your family knows where you stand and that you're not a responsible loser. You're an irresponsible winner.

Look at a naked guy
You'll find out very quickly whether you're gay or not. I've seen plenty of naked guys and trust me, not my thing.

Drink a bottle of Wild Irish Rose
Just so you get to walk a mile in my shit. You'll probably regret this... but regret brings reward.

Do something sweet
I mean like "Hike the Appalachian Trail", "Climb Mt. Everest", "Run a Marathon" (wait that one's shitty), or "Kill a fucking grizzly bear with your hands or a stick". You need a story like this as an icebreaker. Parties can suck if you don't have things to bullshit about. Epic tales are the best, because they never get old. And, actually, they get exagerrated every time they're told. That's awesome. GDIs never do sweet things like this.

Hit a homerun
In something, anything. Hit a homer. I hit my one and only when I was in 4th grade. That's all I needed.

Read the Iliad
The real handbook on how not to be a GDI is to read about Achilles. He will show you everything you need to know. Hector is pretty awesome too. Same with Telemonius "The Rapist" Ajax.

Ski the Rockies
Drugs do it for some people. For everyone else, you've got to tackle the Rockies. They're as good as the Alps, and you don't have to deal with European GDIs. And it's gotta be on skis. Snowboarding is for losers as EMO kids, skaters, and general shitheads thrive. Skiing is far more exclusive and thus, better. On a side note, drugs are kinda sweet too (to a point).

Ruin a wedding
GDIs ruin weddings all the time, but it's always unintentional. SweetDIs ruin them too, but it's for purposefully being an asshole. Nothing says "Fuck you I don't give a shit" like ruining someone else's happiest day.

There are others sure, but we can save those for a different day.

-I'm in a frat.

Reborn

I've decided to resurrect the blog because I get bored at work sometimes. Nothing cures boredom like insulting people, swearing, and complaining. For the first post back, I'd like to do a compare/contrast between GDIs and SweetDIs (Sweet Dicked & Incredible).

A GDI...
goes to comic book conventions and dresses up like C 3PO.

A SweetDI...
takes all of their empty beer cans and bottles and dumps them on the comic book nerds (littering and waste removal).

A GDI...
loves going to church on Sundays.

A SweetDI...
knows he needs grace from God, but is too busy planning excuses for missing church the following Sunday.

A GDI...
is saving himself for marriage.

A SweetDI...
porked something unimpressive last night.

A GDI...
loves waking up in the morning.

A SweetDI...
loves being awake in the morning, provided he never actually fell asleep.

A GDI...
joins book clubs and Carlos Mencia.

A SweetDI...
joins drinking clubs and drinks at those drinking clubs.

A GDI...
looks like this:

A SweetDI...
looks like this:

So there you have it. Now you'll know the Geeds from the Sweets.