AFC West, the NFC West of the AFC

Steamed Hams here, and we're going to continue the NFL preview coverage with another god awful division, the AFC West. The West might just be the gayest division in all of sports. There's San Diego, the Raiders (gay eye-patched pirates), Broncos (well-hung ponies) and, um, the Chiefs. To sum up the division in 2008, Denver shit the bed and the Chargers came through in the "clutch" to reach a stellar record of 8-8 and make the playoffs, where this happened:



But the champs' preview is for another day, let's get to the prognostic(masturb)ations.

San Diego Chargers
2008 Record: 8-8



Key Players:
Philip Rivers Cuomo, LaDainian "Mike Tomlin"son, Shawne Merriman, Luis Castillo, and basically any other defensive player who fails a drug test. The only player in Chargers history not worthy of steaming hate is that badass Aussie punter that used to jack people up.

The Chargers will once again win the division this year, by virtue of the other three teams being exceptionally pathetic. Any other result would be an absolute disappointment. Merriman's back, full of rapey goodness and horse steroids, and Rivers is fairly legit, as douchey as he is.

But let's face it, the Chargers have no chance at doing anything significant in the postseason. The whole organization, from the team name, to the stupid song, to the awful stadium just seems like some lame 70's gimmick. The only thing missing is Wes Mantooth whipping Paul Rudd with a chain in the parking lot.


Predicted Finish: 10-6, not because they improved, but because everyone else got worse.

Kansas City Chiefs
2008 Record: 2-14



Key Players: Matt Cassell, Larry "Big" Johnson, Bernard Pollard

Some people are speculating that the Chiefs could be decent this year -- those people should be wearing helmets to protect their retarded brains. Ooo they got Matt Cassell! He was a Patriot! He went 11-5! Against the worst schedule in the NFL! With a team that went 18-1 the year before! He lost every important game he played and failed to make the playoffs!

Analysts, shut the fuck up. The Chiefs are going to be horrid. Gonzalez is gone, LJ is worthless without a decent O-line, and one of their big offseason acquisitions is Ashley Lelie, you know, the guy you pick in the 20th round of the fantasy draft because you went to go rub one out and set it to autodraft.

The only bright spot on the team is Bernard Pollard, who has been granted a lifetime exemption from all criticism for his fine charitable work in Week 1 of 2008.


Predicted finish: 2-14


Oakland Raiders
2008 Record: 5-11



Key Players: Janikowski, that Nigerian cornerback

Look, I don't know shit about the Raiders, and why should I? They are the worst organization in pro sports, narrowly edging out the Pittsburgh Pirates. I mean, their most well-known player is a drunk fat-ass kicker who may or may not even still play for them, I'm too lazy to fact-check. I'm picking them second in the division only because I expect Denver to plummet like a fucking rock. And if you're wondering why this post took a sudden turn for the worse, it's because I'm drunk and decided to finish this at 3 a.m. Count Chocula and the Raiders will win maybe four games this season, then trade up in the draft to take Tim Tebow with the second pick. You heard it here! Tebow will line up with other college greats Robert Gallery and Jamarcus Russell, and lead the silver and black to glory. Not! Look, I took the BART across the bay through Oakland once, and it was one of the most depressing place I've ever seen, probably tied with Gary, Indiana for the title of America's foreskin crust. Also, what's up with that picture? I found it on some latino guy's myspace page.

Predicted finish: 6-10

Denver Broncos
2008 Record: 8-8



Key Players: Eddie "Winslow" Royal, Brandon Marshall "football plane crash tragedy"

Most underrated mascot in the gay department. Just look at it, a fire-crotched pony with an attitude — how fearsome! All you need to know about the Denver Broncos is that they will be awful. Kyle Orton is terrible, like 95% of all quarterbacks to ever come from the Big 10 (Brady and Brees excepted). Knowshon Moreno will probably get a lot of carries this season, so I guess that is notable. But he will probably tear an ACL by week four and be forgotten forever. Sorry!

The Broncs may have a decent defense this year, led by the newly acquired Brian Dawkins. But seriously, when was the last time a defensive acquisition made a big difference for a team? Answer: Never! Especially you, Brian Dawkins, not only were you an Eagle, but you are probably best known for wearing a visor, great legacy.

But seriously, could this franchise do much more to get worse? Shanahan was a solid coach, but the front office apparently wasn't happy with the two Super Bowl rings and constant playoff presence that he provided them. Cutler and Plummer were both sensitive pussies, but could find ways to win some games at quarterback. Also, Jason Elam was shown the door last year. I mean, I know the guy wrote a Christian thriller about a football-related terrorist attack, but that's really no reason to release a guy who cranks out last-second 50-yard field goals like I bust nuts to memories of a certain Arctic Fox.

Predicted finish:; 4-12

Mr. Kennedy's 2009 NFC West Preview!!!

There is so much intrigue in the NFC West that I had to double check which teams were actually in the division (in spite of being quite brushed up on the NFL). This division was the worst in the NFL last year, yet somehow produced the NFC representative to the Super Bowl behind the geriatric right arm of Kurt Warner (hooray Cybertronics). Let’s start with the lone playoff team from the division a year ago, the previously mentioned Stanford Cardinal.

Arizona Cardinals
2008 Record: 8-8

Key Players:
Larry “Csonka” Fitzgerald, Kurt “Kittner” Warner, Aeneas Williams

Ok I’m just kidding about Aeneas Williams. I really meant to write Pat Tillman, hard hitting safety. Oh I’m just kidding about that too. He can’t cover anyone and moves like a corpse when he’s out on the field.

Truth be told, the Cardinals are the utter definition of a mediocre team that caught absolute lightning at the exact right time. They were so bad on defense last year (until the playoffs), that even a team (the Redskins) led by a Mentally Handicapped Mouth Breather at QB (Jason Campbell) put up 24 pts on them.

That said, this team will challenge for the division based solely on the fact that their offense is Swine Flu Sick. I expect Matt Leinart to be starting by week 3 and to win the NFL MVP this year, especially since (didn’t you hear), banging hot sluts now will count towards a team’s total score. Larry Fitzgerald is a first round fantasy pick this year and, if Beanie Wells can stay healthy, their running game should be vastly improved from last year, when “Tiny” Tim Hightower and Edgerrin James “Brown” led an anemic attack.

Still, these are the Goddam Cardinals. And remember what happened following their last successful season? 10 years of shit. So much like the elusive Cicada, don’t expect to see a good Cardinals team to re-emerge for another decade.

Predicted Finish: 7-9, 2nd NFC West


Seattle Seahawks
2008 Record: 4-12

(No Picture for the Seahawks because this preview is boring just like the team)

Key Players:
Matt Hasslebeck, Julius Jones, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Lofa Tatupu, Walter Jones R.I.P

This team was atrocious last year. And, although many will say they were unlucky with injuries, I say that their injured players just didn’t want to suit up for games in Seattle (one of the shittiest cities on the planet). I don’t blame them, and I especially don’t blame Fratty Matt Hasslebeck, one of the smartest players in the game). This team really isn’t that good either, but they’re better than the rest of the trash in that division. Housh is overrated but better than the schlups they had last year (Deion Branch, Koren Robinson, Bobby Engram???-Sorry Steamed Hams). Julius “June” Jones is also a steaming pile of Steve McNair’s brains, so don’t expect him to factor that much. I predict they go winless at home because they hate their city so much, but win every game on the road and make the playoffs, just because Matt Hasslebeck is pissed that the playoffs weren’t as boring last year as they normally are (when he’s playing in some of the games). What a bitter fuck.

Predicted Finish: 8-8, Lose in NFC Championship (at home)


San Franciscan Monks
2008 Record: 7-9 Reallllly?

Key Players:
(Benjamin) Frank(lin) Gore and St. Patrick Willis

I was legit stunned to see that a team helmed by an obvious Irish Alcoholic (J.T O’ Sullivan) and Shaun “Dru” Hill finished with a somewhat respectable record. But alas, I suppose a bunch of teams who were out of the Playoffs (Cough*Redskins*Cough) decided to do heroine the night before and weren’t really feeling up for the game. But as Kurtis Blow once said, “Those are the breaks”.

Frank Gore, when he’s not busy stampeding asshole safari-goers, is busy stampeding the dreams of whichever person makes the mistake of drafting him in their fantasy draft. Why? Because he’s an alumnus of the “U”, which we all know is the primo breeding ground for lazy and irresponsible athletes.

Ahh the memories:

Anyways, this team is always a sexy pick to be vastly improved, and it never is. This team will either go 16-0 or 4-11-1. And I’m gonna go with the height of Shakira for my pick.

Predicted Finish: 4-11-1

St. Louis Rams
2008 Record: 2-14

Key Players:
Steven “Michael” Jackson, Marc “Pants” Bulger, Orlando Pace Maker

Orlando Pace doesn’t play for them anymore? Marc Bulger is hurt? Steven Jackson is going to die after carrying the ball 740 times this year? Well at least they get to beat my Redskins in week 2 (just like they beat them last year)… otherwise this team isn’t winning shit.

Predicted Finish: 1-15

So there you have it. Informative, insightful, and incestuous. Check back for Steamed Hams’s AFC previews!

Hey, Fuck you

That's right, dildos...



as Steamed Hams, my esteemed colleague, so eloquently put it, we're back after an extended hiatus of laziness and general non-creativity. But that all comes to an end starting today. Because while you GDIs of the world have been running amok, acting like douches, we've been recruiting help and planning your demise. We've brought in the big gunz...



aka big carz. Because if we wanted big gunz, we'd have brought in Plaxico Burress to say a few words. As is, drunken manslaughter is funnier.

So yes, check back for our season preview which should prove to be 2 things:

1) Offensive and
2) Completely devoid of any useful information.




Yeaaaa Asianzzzzzz

WE'RE BAAAAACK

Summer vacation is over bitches! The GS staff is back in action, all pent up with rage and vitriol to be spewed across the foreheads of the lamest geeds in the worlds of football, pop culture, retarded politics aaaand um, well mostly football. So strap yourself in, because first up will be our totally unique NFL division-by-division previews!