It's Time for a Rant

***Warning, Do Not Read this Post if you don't want the ending ruined for you... not like it matters***



How in the FUCK did "No Country for Old Men" win the Oscar for best picture? Allow me to explain something to all you aspiring filmmakers out there (xXx films or otherwise). When you make a movie, in order for it to be good, you must have a beginning, a middle, and an END. In porno, the worst films are those with no moneyshot, no climax, nothing. When the screen just fades to black, well that's just lazy.

"No Country" is, for 80% of the duration, a solid film. It builds great tension. The bad guy is fucking awesome. But then, inexplicably, the makers of this story/movie decided to bend the viewer over (who just invested 2 hours of his time), and anally violate him/her. Without lube. With sandpaper covering their dongs.

Here is the ending:

Tommy Lee Jones laments the fact that he's an old bag of bones. Then it fades to black. There is no resolution to this movie. Apparently all of the good guys die, the bad guy gets away, and Tommy Lee Jones (the laziest cop in the history of mankind and who does absolutely nothing the entire movie to curb any of the bad things that are going on) talks to some random people who we've never seen before about how he sucks at life.

How does that rub you? Because that rubbed me the wrong way. I stared at the screen for a moment, jaw dropped, and exited On Demand. Thank God I didn't pay a cent for this pile of dirt, because it would have been a bigger waste of money than the Calzaghe-Roy Jones Jr. fight I purchased. And that was a Titanic-sized waste of dinero.

Look, some movies are 100% good and then have a terrible ending, bringing the quality down to 70% or whatever. Some movies are 50% good, and then the ending is 100% awesome, bringing the movie to 80%. But this movie, which is pretty much 100% good for 100 minutes, has ZERO ending. And when that happens friend, there is one, simple, undeniable fact:

The movie gets 0 Stars, 0 %, 2 Thumbs Down. To put my hatred for this movie in perspective, I gave Sorority Boys, National Security, and Head of State positive reviews. In a school newspaper. For everyone to see.

I hate a bunch of movies, but this is the WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN.

Now to segue into a rant against a different entity. I fucking despise you people who pretended to like this movie. Don't give me "Different strokes for different folks". That's bullshit. When you buy a car with a 10,000 mile warranty and that shit breaks down at 9,000 miles, you will be compensated. If you don't, you get ripped off. This is a simple principle, people. No Country for Old Men is a Hyundai that broke down at 9,000 miles, and the Coen Brothers (the bags of shit who directed this), didn't help us out at all.

You fucking film critics should siphon an entire gas tank out of a Humvee. Except, instead of dispensing it elsewhere, you should do the world a solid, swallow the gas, and then eat a lit match.

Anyone who says they liked this movie is lying because they heard a bunch of other liars say they liked it. BUT I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS, MY FELLOW AMERICANS!

Let the campaign against these con artists and this rip-off of a movie begin here. I want its Oscar revoked, and I want all DVDs, film footage, Video files, etc. of this movie deleted from existence. And we shall never speak of it again!!!!

Amen.

-Mr. K.

Ringing in the New Year- Frattiest Main Characters Ever

With the immaculate conception of this blog, I posted a list of top 10 sweetest movies of all time. It amused me immensely while I was writing that, so tonight, as I still recover from a New Year's Debacle, I figured I would follow suit on that post and wax poetic on my ten favorite main frat characters ever.

A side note: I won't waste your time on guys from Frat affairs like Animal house with Blutarsky. And Old School wasn't really frat at all, so you will see none of those fools here. This list focuses on the main characters in films that don't give a shit. Enjoy.
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10) Tony Stark- Ironman

Gotta start this list off with a bang. Fruitcakes like Peter Parker and Clark Kent won't appear here because they S-T-I-N-K. Tony S., on the other hand, bangs hots chicks, makes tons of bank, and saves the day... all while wearing a codpiece that accentuates his junk. Oh btw, how did he make his money? War profiteering! No, this blog isn't a pro-war organization... however, there is something to be said for a guy who makes millions of bone-dawgs off of WMDs.

9) Peter Gibbons- Office Space

If you have to ask why this guy blows the roof off this place, then you should go skydiving with a table cloth. Look, he hates his job and his girlfriend... so he stops caring about his job, bangs Jen Aniston, and catches trophy fish. It makes me mad that GDIs like this movie, because the "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta" montage is the epitome of FRAT. Only a true Frat Lord could pull that shit off.

8) Marv- Sin City

I guess he's technically not the main character in Sin City, but nobody really is. Ok, maybe Bruce Willis. But we're gonna suspend our rule for one place and let Marv in here. He's ugly, angry, SURLY. And he goes to town for a prostitute. Risks his life, even. Ok, so he's too dumb to realize that the chick he's helping later on is a twin, but he does fuck up Elijah Wood, a true king among the pantheon of GDIs.

7) Han Solo- Star Wars

Damn, I break the rule twice. Han is likely the 3rd billing on the Star Wars billboard. But, ultimately, his actor earned top billing. Bangs his best friend's sister (Leah), flies the frattiest ship in the universe (the Falcon), holds court with a huge hairy bastard that likes ripping off people's limbs ('Bacca). And to top it all off, he refuses to carry a fruity lightsaber like those 'mos Luke Skywalker and Ben 2 3PO. Oh did I mention that he porks Princess Leah?

6) El Mariachi- Desperado

Admittedly, I couldn't remember what this character's name was... but then again, I viewed this film over a decade ago. I don't even remember the plot. But I think El Mariachi had a close contact murdered by some asshole. So El Mariachi walks around with a case full of weapons. And he kills a fuckload of people. And he also bangs the bejeezus out of Salma Hayek. How many of you can ever claim that? Exactly.

5) Rocky Balboa- Rocky IV

I only cite Rocky IV, and with reason. Rocky was a 'tard in Rocky 1. He lost. He avenged his defeat in Rocky 2, just because his GF wanted him too. He beat Mr. T in Rocky 3 after his manager had a heart attack (it was pretty depressing overall. Rocky 5 was a trainwreck. Rocky 6 was kinda cool, but you can't get past the fact that Balboa was 60 during the fight... and that Stallone got caught with HGH in Australia.

Rocky IV was the BALLS because it was right in the middle of the Steroids movement. Look at Drago and Rocky. You think they got those bodies by pure lifting and a healthy diet? NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But it was still sooooo awesome. Drago kills Rocky's closest friend. So what does Rocky do? Go to the Siberian Tundra and train his ass off... beat Drago... and END the Cold War.

"If he can change, and the USSR can change, then FUCK IT!!!!"

4) Jack Sparrow- The Black Pearl



Get outta here.

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Now we get busy. The best of the best. The creme de la creme.

3) Frank Dux- Bloodsport

Bloodsport was #1 on my top 10 movies. Dux falls to #3 because the man does not match the movie. He's a healthy guy whose only motivation is pride. He doesn't murder anybody. He's not avenging or defending anyone/anything. And yet, the fact that he kicks the fuck out of Chong Li vaults him all the way to #3. He taps out his #1, undefeatable enemy. Van Damme is frat. He crushes young babes like a 4 year old builds sandcastles. 1 word: Kumite.

2) William Wallace- Braveheart

Ouch, this hurts. I really want him at #1. And, until 2 years ago, I'd have put him here. No, I don't demote him because of his anti-semitism. Not at all. I demote him because a role has come across that has outshadowed him. But, let's give William his due. His babe got murdered, so Wallace started a fucking war against a tyrant that led to his independence. He was pretty sure he'd die, but he didn't know for sure. Had it not been for some assbag turning on him, he might have won by himself. His country ultimately won, and that's awesome. But it isn't as awesome as.....

1) King Leonidas- 300


Can you deal with that?

300 men vs. hundreds of thousands? Knowing you would die, for sure? Fighting anyways, because you believed in the democratic way??

Motivating your nation to overthrow a true tyrant?!



Watch that movie and this scene and try not shedding a man tear for your main man Leonidas. I dare you.

- By Spartan Law, we lie.